Hotel suite room, empty but one can hear some whistling coming from the bathroom.
Enter Cubby Broccoli who frowns on hearing the whistling.
Cubby – Roger? Is that you?
Roger – (his voice from the bathroom) Hello Albert, just finishing up.
A flushing sound can be heard and a few seconds pass before Roger emerges from the toilet spraying some air freshener behind him and with a newspaper rolled up under his arm.
Cubby – Roger! How many times?!
Roger – Sorry Cubby, the toilet downstairs in the bar is blocked.
Cubby – Is it?
Roger – Won’t flush. Maud Adams.
Cubby – Anyway, sit down, sit down.
The pair of them sit either side of the desk and Cubby pours them both a tumbler of whisky.
Roger – Well that went rather well didn’t it? Six films, a legacy.
Cubby – Yes, there were some lows…
Roger – The Man With The Golden Gun…
Cubby – And some highs…
Roger – The Man With The Golden Gun.
Cubby – They told me we would be over! Finished! They said we’d never survive taking Bond into space! They said that damn re-make would be the end for us!
Roger – We…I mean…I…did rather well there didn’t I? I thought Sean would really give us trouble.
Cubby – Who?
Roger – Sean?
Cubby – Sean…who?
Roger – Sean…Connery. Tall man, Scottish, has a lisp?
Cubby – Never heard of him.
Roger – You made six movies with him?
Cubby – (Shakes head) Doesn’t ring any bells…
Roger – He just played Bond…
Cubby – What?
Roger – In ‘Never Say Never…’
Cubby puts his hands to his ears and shouts incoherently. There is a brief silence.
Cubby – Anyway, that last one went well.
Roger – Yes, I was a bit surprised they dressed me up as a clown but nonetheless, it challenged my acting skills a little more than usual. And that Steven Berkoff is an interesting chap.
Cubby – I’m going to have a word with the casting people. He was most unsuitable.
Roger – I believe he is one of those method actor types. Like Richard Kiel and Herve Villechaize.
Cubby – What? Speaking in a voice that gradually escalates into a shriek while glaring at everyone?
Roger – Yes.
Cubby – That’s method acting?
Roger – Yes.
Cubby – Why was he still doing it at the wrap party then? It put the waiting staff right off.
Roger – I don’t know. Anyway, now I can join UNICEF.
Cubby – Bit of a problem Roger.
Roger – Yes, I would say. There’s going to be a lot of editing needed on that film. I had no idea so much stuff had been included and so many mistakes had been made. Those editing boys will be busy. That cutting room floor will be knee deep!
Cubby – How do you mean?
Roger – How did the Tarzan sound get spliced into the soundtrack? And I thought you said myself and Desmond in a hot air balloon was just for an overseas Martini advert?
Cubby – The editing boys will be busy. Anyway, I fully expect us to beat (he coughs before whispering) Connery and Warner.
Roger – I am glad I could help you.
Cubby – Which brings me onto Bond 7.
Roger – Isn’t it Bond 14?
Cubby – I don’t officially recognise the ones without you in them. So anyway, Bond 7 is looking like it might be a struggle.
Roger – Why? Out of Fleming?
Cubby – Well…and it’s a little awkward…but many actors just won’t take the role.
Roger – Are they mad? They get to travel the world, make lots of friends…
Cubby – They feel intimidated. They don’t feel they can replace you.
Roger – But Cubby…I’ll be in my late seventies by the time we get round to making that!
Cubby – Sorry Rog but you’ve become irreplaceable! We have approached so many young stars and they just refuse to do it.
Roger – Stars? Such as?
Cubby – Ian Ogilvy.
Roger – Oh, hanging onto my coat tails again…
Cubby – Trevor Bannister.
Roger – Who?
Cubby – So you can see. We need you.
Roger – Well, I suppose I might. What are you thinking of?
Cubby – I was thinking…Goldfinger.
Roger – Now Cubby…I know you have airbrushed the Scotsman out of history but you did already make Goldfinger. It was quite successful.
Cubby – It will be very like Goldfinger as people liked that but this will be called ‘A View To A Kill’.
Roger – And who will be in it?
Cubby – Have you heard of Christopher Walken? He was in that sequel to Bambi.
Roger – Sequel to Bambi?
Cubby – The Deer Hunter! Well, he’ll be the villain and, in a twist, we’ll have a female henchman.
Roger – Wouldn’t that be a henchwoman?
Cubby – Whatever! Have you heard of Grace Jones?
Athon 