When Tim Burton opted not to direct the third Batman film, you felt the series was losing its identity. Then Michael Keaton departed from the lead role. Yet Warner Bros dusted themselves down and Batman Forever did well at the cinema. The toys I mean – if any middle-aged fanboys are reading – figurines…were selling and so Warner cast out quality for quantity and commissioned a fourth movie to be released within 2 years.
All well and good then? Until the new Batman (Val Kilmer) decides he’s off. Not a problem you’d think given that the makers would surely be able to summon up plenty of plastic for a life-sized replacement given all the toys they were producing…but no. They felt they needed to replace the mannequin with an actual actor.
Where did they turn? To George “Nespresso” Clooney. Oh well, not ideal but at least they’d retained the services of the same director in the shape of Joel Schumacher…well…anyway more on that later.
Now with Robin (Chris O’Donnell) on board from Batman Forever to make the caped crusader more sociable, the franchise had seemingly forgotten the dark overtones of the Burton entries and was in camp overdrive. Indeed, George Clooney impersonates Adam West (the TV series Batman known for being incredibly camp). Nevertheless, Clooney actually does a decent job. His Bruce Wayne is suave and less eccentric to that of Michael Keaton and not as smug nor as plastic as Val Kilmer. His Batman is so-so when the script isn’t trying to channel said 1960’s TV show.
By this time, the studio was obsessed with ensemble narratives. A clear focus on characterizations and their multi-dimensional portrayals. Or rather, getting as many characters on the screen as possible to market their tie in merchandise.
That leads us to Michael Gough as Alfred, Bruce Wayne’s loyal butler and, surprisingly, only involved to market the Alfred sex doll that was available in all good toy shops at the time. Oh hang on. No, that didn’t happen.
Onto the rest of the toys…I mean characters.
Uma Thurman’s turn as Poison Ivy suggests she developed a smack habit after that scene in Pulp Fiction. I mean what is her voice about? Her origins are fairly similar to those of Catwoman or the Riddler whereby they have a breakdown or an injury and then succumb to their environment or profession so it becomes manifest in them. As a botanist, she is poisoned by toxic plants thus becoming guess who?
Chris O’Donnell’s career hasn’t been up to much since the mid-90’s. I wonder why? I think it started when he signed on the dotted line for this movie. Ultimately Robin is equally as superfluous here as he was in the previous film.
Fresh from her success in Clueless, Alicia Silverstone pops up as Batgirl. Presumably to keep the fanboys focused and the toy…figurine (!) range selling.
Next, in this ensemble rabble, comes Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr Freeze. Yes, that happened. You didn’t dream it. His career was on the slide but he gets top billing like Jack Nicholson had with the original and, to be fair, he does alright. But the script is preposterous with Freeze uttering ice related puns at every given turn as he battles with Clooney’s Batman in some Republican v Democrat grudge match.
Now, one must confess, this correspondent has become preoccupied with talking about the characters and merchandise. There is more to Batman & Robin than just an opportunity for male adolescents to slobber over Alicia Silverstone or buy her doll with disproportionate sized plastic knockers.
There was the “plot” for starters.
Some bollocks about Mr Freeze needing diamonds to revive his cryogenically frozen wife and Poison Ivy wanting to win the Chelsea Flower Show with her pet bodyguard Bane. Oh yeah, Bane. I forgot about him. He’s in there too somewhere but don’t be expecting anything like the Tom Hardy version.
Nevertheless, the not-so-Fab-Three of Batman, Robin and Batgirl thwart their evil schemes. Curiously neither villain dies because Freeze (being played by Arnie remember) is viewed sympathetically in the final analysis and is placed in Arkham Asylum to be alongside and take revenge on Poison Ivy presumably for having a preposterous voice.
The hitch with knocking out sequels to quick deadlines is that certain aspects in the film making process might be circumnavigated. Like script editing for example. Or script writing for that matter. Because Schumacher uses the exact same template from Batman Forever in terms of outcomes, character creation and developments, simply switching out the Riddler for Mr Freeze and Two Face for Poison Ivy. It’s like buying a flatpack from Ikea which looks like the desk you bought before and discovering only the colour is different. This being a putrid shade of shite.
It’s a shame that, like Mr Freeze was presumably struck off as a member of the medical profession, those involved with Batman & Robin like director Joel Schumacher were not banned from all future film production.
If, due to some misguided generosity, you are wondering if Batman & Robin wasn’t really all that bad and are considering watching it, then save yourself the time. To paraphrase the Penguin in Batman Returns, “curiosity killed the cat”. There is only one scenario where this should be viewed ever again. If you are on Death Row, know it’s the only film in the prison library, have one final request and are playing for time hoping for a reprieve.
One dreads to think that the merch might have led to a fifth film. What could have come next? Nicholas Cage as Batman with Joe Pesci as the Penguin anyone? Adam Sandler as the Scarecrow? David Hasselhoff popping up as Killer Croc? Mini-Me as The Ventriloquist?
Fortunately, somebody in authority with a semblance of common sense blocked another film and the Batman series was parked until people who could actually make proper films took over the reins with Batman Begins in 2005. Clooney went on to advertise coffee machines, Arnie reverted back to being everyone’s favourite killer cyborg, Thurman continued fending off the affections of Quentin Tarantino and Joel Schumacher received a restraining order from working on the sets of big budget movies.
Athon 