A lot was at stake in the Realm. There were plenty of sociopathic villains wandering around the place abducting children, baiting badgers, hunting foxes and trying to subjugate the entire place. At the heart of this, Prince Charming had returned most unhappily to his own Kingdom for a rest.
That hadn’t lasted long because the return of his former manservant Dandini had hastened the departure of Percy who, it’s fair to say, wasn’t a fan. Some mystery remained over the recent whereabouts of the former with further confusion as to why this seemingly crucial character had not been mentioned or ever referenced in the dozens of stories prior.
Nonetheless, Percy going left the Prince in a pickle and he went about sending a messenger after him. Problem being, the Kingdom had apparently lost all the carrier pigeons so a replacement had to be drafted in. Did they train another bird like a falcon? Or a hawk? No.
Instead, they dispatched a toy poodle to pursue Percy across the ground of the Realm and essentially beg Percy to return.
That venture hadn’t gone particularly well if truth be told. It doesn’t take a genius let alone the reader to work out that the average horse moves a lot faster than a toy poodle. Added to that the fact that Percy is an above average horse and the jury was definitely still out on the efficiency of the toy poodle and the Prince had a problem.
Yet Percy did indeed eventually encounter the toy poodle – her name is Rosie by the way – due to both being captured by the hapless Lord Gambier in his neighbouring Kingdom. The sweaty, fat and little aristocrat had come across Rosie during one of his early morning hunting trips. Rosie was shoved in a sack with the intention of using her to go down into badger holes and rabbit warrens and drawing out the poor creatures to be killed by the hunters.
As for Percy, he’d been tracked down in the Kingdom at the demand of the Evil Queen. Speaking of whom, she’d been monitoring these events via her Mirror.
“Mirror, mirror on the wall!” she commanded of the sprite in the looking glass in her palace.
“I am busy!” the Mirror replied impatiently.
“Doing what exactly?” snarled the Evil Queen contemptuously.
“None of your business!” snapped the Mirror.
“It is my business!” pouted the Evil Queen. “You are here for one thing only. Servicing me!”
“Doing what now? I never signed up for that!”
“Just do what I want!”
“It’s fine!” the Mirror replied impatiently. “I’ll show you what you desire.”
The image of a semi naked male farm hand in his early twenties appeared in the mirror.
“I didn’t want to see that!” the Evil Queen protested. “Well perhaps later. After dinner. No, I want an update on Prince Charming and his horse!”
“Oh that,” the Mirror said wearily.
“Yes, ‘oh that’!” the Evil Queen crossed her arms and waited for a few seconds until she could see exactly what was happening in the Kingdom of Prince Charming.
Well actually, in fact, it was the events in the Kingdom of Lord Gambier that came up on the Mirror.
The Prince, Dandini and a few of his servants had travelled into the Kingdom after Rosie had arrived in his kingdom that lunchtime. She’d managed to communicate what had occurred with her and Percy. Thanks to the extraordinary horse, she had become most adept in the craft of mime which made up for the fact she couldn’t speak nor write.
“I haven’t seen Lord Gambier for a long time,” remarked the Prince who was riding a strange horse that wasn’t a patch on Percy. “Which side was he on during the civil war?”
“He sided with Archie,” explained one of his servants. “And he supported the Evil Queen recently.”
“Did he indeed?” the Prince left it at that but resolved to punish Lord Gambier at the appropriate juncture.
“Oh, how exciting!” exclaimed the Evil Queen before turning away from the Mirror. “This could lead to a big, sweaty, dirty duel between the pair of them!”
“I am not sure that will happen,” replied the Mirror. “A duel is hardly high up on the Prince’s agenda at the moment. I would have thought escape was his main priority.”
“Oh, imagine it!” enthused the Evil Queen. “They will have to do it topless!”
“During a sword fight?” The Mirror groaned.
“Oh yes! Or maybe…” the Evil Queen was excitable. “They’ll use pistols! Oh yes, to settle their grievances like gentlemen!”
“Pistols?” the Mirror cried. “Those new-fangled weapons have the nasty habit of back firing. They’d be better off with bows and arrows.”
“Or perhaps!” the Evil Queen salivated. “They could fight the old way. Bare knuckle and naked!”
“Bit old fashioned.”
“And covered in grease!”
“Please your menopausal-ness, I think you are getting ahead of yourself. Remember, they were childhood friends. I doubt the Prince would happily embark on a duel with Gambier nor Gambier with him.”
“Why?” the Evil Queen was glum.
“Because the Prince is nauseatingly noble and Lord Gambier is an enormous coward.”
“How dare you?!”
“I’m sorry my dear but Lord Gambier will know better than to even accept a duel. His bravado is wafer thin. A pathetic act. A parody of Alpha masculinity! At heart he knows what we all know, that he’s an overweight and cowardly little braggart who the Prince would defeat within seconds if they ever duelled.”
“You will learn to respect him when he’s my husband!” said the Evil Queen obstinately.
“Husband? Are you smoking crack again? Not another one!”
“I’ve not smoked crack for a long time,” she shrugged. “Anyway, Lord Gambier is ideal marriage material.”
“There must be some residual crack still in your bloodstream if you want to wed that fat, sweaty little man.”
“I think he’s rather dishy actually,” the Evil Queen wagged her finger at the Mirror. “But I suppose you’re a mere sprite inside a mirror so you wouldn’t have any idea!”
“A mere sprite I may be, but I have feelings you know!”
“Pah! You have no libido!”
“I have eyes. And sanity.”
“Whatever!”
“If you’d married every male you had designs on, you’d have married a horse and that idiot Archie!”
“It could’ve been so perfect,” she sniffed.
“Archie? The man is a moron!”
“It’s just an act,” nodded the Evil Queen. “To make himself seems harmless in the face of his enemies.”
“If that’s an act, he is a genius.”
“This is perfect! Lord Gambier knows on which side his bread is buttered!”
“A stupid expression,” remarked the Mirror. “Buttery fingers would surely give that away right?”
“He will lead the Prince and that annoying talking horse to me!”
“Is that a good idea?”
“Of course it is! Once he comes here, he will be thrown in the dungeon and I would have won the power struggle! Finally!”
“He might not be that easy to take,” said the Mirror doubtfully. “He’s got a small band of armed men with him, plus he’s very popular around the Realm. If you sling him in the dungeon, there are bound to be rebellions.”
“I will crush them,” insisted the Evil Queen as if it were all irrelevant. “And then rule the Realm for good. I won’t tolerate any insurrection from the likes of the Babes in the Wood, Rapunzel or that disgusting Dirty Shepherdess woman!”
“You’ve been hunting them all down for months,” said the Mirror smugly. “With no success I might add.”
“At which point exactly?” the Evil Queen hovered in front of the Mirror holding a mallet. “Did you go from being here for consultation to piping up about every subject going?”
“I was just making a salient point.”
“I am not interested in sailing!” the Evil Queen turned away from the Mirror with a stamp of her heel. “Which reminds me! To strengthen my army should there be a rebellion, I have been negotiating with a new force who recently appeared on the north coast of the Realm.”
“Oh, not the pirates again?”
“No, no,” the Evil Queen grinned. “A much more fearsome group of people. Vikings.”
“Vikings?” the Mirror gasped. “This sounds dangerous!”
“They’re perfect,” she explained. “Ruthless warriors who take no prisoners. They have been looking for a Kingdom to establish themselves in. In exchange for their support I am willing to give them one. Accessible by river obviously.”
“But there are only two kingdoms with a waterway,” pointed out the Mirror. “The Land of the Elves and that ruled over by Prince Charming?”
“Exactly,” she guffawed.
“Which one?”
“The Elves I think not,” she shook her head indignantly. “I look forward to annexing them and bringing them under my thumb personally. So that only leaves the one ruled by the Prince. The Vikings can have it.”
“What branch of Vikings are they?” inquired the Mirror.
“The Berserkers.”
“They sound lovely.”
“I know!”
“And why are they called that?”
“Because when they fight in battle, they go berserk.”
“Ah, I see.”
“Incredibly violent fighters,” she said with gusto.
“I don’t know,” the Mirror was sceptical. “Vikings are incredible warriors but they have ambition. By having them as your allies, you could be handing them the keys to the Realm.”
“Not a chance! My magic will be more than a match for them.”
The Prince was warmly welcomed into the castle of Lord Gambier. This immediately made him suspicious.
You see, in a tale not yet told to the reader, the Prince and Gambier had been childhood acquaintances. Of a similar age and sharing the same education, they got to know each other extremely well before their adolescence. During that, the Prince gradually distanced himself from Gambier, regarding him and his habits as unbecoming of an aristocrat.
While the Prince became the hero we all know him to be, Gambier turned into a slovenly and lazy character, resting on the laurels of his father’s wealth and not looking to achieve anything other than hunting in his grounds or trying to be a lothario playboy. By the time the two men were in their early twenties, Gambier had become a figure of fun to most of his subjects and those who inhabited the nearby Kingdoms. Nobody took him remotely seriously, seeing him as a bloated, selfish and spoilt fool.
The Prince was sure that Lord Gambier and he would hold extremely different opinions regarding the Evil Queen and was therefore cautious that he was being treated courteously by him on his own patch. Of all the rulers across the Realm, unless Archie had taken control of a Kingdom, the Prince would have expected Lord Gambier to be the most likely to betray him.
They reached the main hall where a banquet was being prepared by the servants. Lord Gambier was at the head of a long table, drinking copious amounts of wine.
“Welcome old Prince Charming!” he said in a gravelly voice while pursing his lips and standing up to raise a goblet at his new guests. “A bit of the old savvie B?”
He was offering the Prince wine although you could write down what he actually knew about wine on the back of a stamp.
“No, thank you, I am fine,” the Prince shrugged before holding up his hands to indicate the manacles and chains around his wrists. “What’s this all about?”
“Ah yes,” Gambier nodded as one of his soldiers sprang forwards jangling a set of chunky keys and began removing the restraints on the Prince. “Just a precaution you see. Sorry, but one can never be sure these days.”
“Sure of what?” the Prince was free and rubbed his sore wrists.
“You do have an accomplice who is a talking horse,” Lord Gambier apparently took a dim view of this. “Who knows what other acts of witchcraft you might have up your sleeve?”
“Not very respectful this, is it?” the Prince gave him a dirty look.
“Not very respectful?” Lord Gambier feigned surprise before indicating the spit that was being prepared over the large firepit in the corner. “But now listen Prince ‘Charming’, I have put on a beautiful banquet in your honour!”
“Really?”
“Yes! The finest food from my grounds!”
At that moment one of the servants entered the room carrying a tray containing the slain booty from Gambier’s hunt the previous day: Half an eel, a mole, a badger kit, a feisty squirrel called Douglas and a cabbage.
Just to be clear, the cabbage hadn’t been alive to be slain but it had been a very popular and talkative crop in the patch from which it was torn. Many of the other cabbages were dismayed to see it be so brutally removed.
Most of the items were applied to the spike laid above the firepit while thankfully the cabbage had been pickled and was presented in bowls at the centre of the table.
It would have wanted it that way.
Percy and the Prince observed the items above the firepit with a degree of disgust.
“Is that a badger kit?” the Prince finally glared at Lord Gambier.
“Oh yes.”
“The hunting of them is outlawed in just about every Kingdom across the Realm!”
“I know, but not here,” Gambier shrugged casually.
“You swine.”
“Now come on,” Gambier swaggered about the place with his goblet of savvie B which he was rather wasting as it spilled onto the rugs in the main hall. “You shouldn’t be getting stressed about that! You have to be reacquainted with the Evil Queen!”
“Her?” the Prince shrieked. “I should have known! You fat sweaty layabout!”
“Now, now my dear Prince,” he shook his head before wasting another half glass of white wine. “The Evil Queen is to be respected! She will bring peace to the Realm!”
“No, she bleeding won’t!”
“Of course she will!” Lord Gambier, thankfully for his wine cellar supplies, returned to his seat at the head of the table. “You are being naïve! She’s a natural leader and will be a wonderful ruler of the Realm.”
“She’s a tyrant,” said Percy. “And you are a fool for following her or siding with her!”
“I hate it when that beast speaks,” Lord Gambier spat. “Stupid horse.”
“Percy is anything but stupid,” the Prince replied with a fiery look in his eyes.
“Whatever,” Lord Gambier clearly had grown bored of the subject and went to inspect the firepit with his arms behind his back which, for him, was a sign of being aristocratic and cultured.
The servants all started circling the firepit, aware that the food might be ready for consumption.
“Get it on the table!” Lord Gambier cried as another servant hurriedly filled his glass with some more savvie B. “I am ravenous!”
“Big word for you,” murmured Percy.
“But sire!” one of Gambier’s servants protested. “You had a full fry up only an hour ago?”
The roasted baby badger was placed in front of Lord Gambier first. He belched incredibly loudly before digging his fork into it.
“I must apologise Lord,” one of the servants bowed in front of him.
“For cooking baby badgers?” Percy remarked.
“Why?” Gambier asked.
“It wasn’t properly seasoned prior to being roasted. The chef sends his profound apologies and regrets.”
“I see,” Lord Gambier raised an eyebrow, now apparently playing the part of a gourmet as the eel was placed in front of him. “And this?”
“Oh yes, he did indeed season the eel, with salt and black pepper along with dill I believe.”
“Excellent!”
Lord Gambier dug his fork into the eel and then sliced into it using a knife.
The servant lowered his head.
Lord Gambier put an inch thick piece of eel to his lips.
What happened next was rather surprising.
Lord Gambier took a bite of the eel and a loud scream filled the hall. He was then thrown high into the air so that his chair crashed over and he lay on the floor having convulsions.
“What the…?” the Prince stifled a laugh.
“What was tha he just ate?” Percy turned to the servant.
“An eel…” he panicked. “Did that horse just talk?”
“It wasn’t an electric eel was it?” Percy’s eyes lit up.
“I will have to check with the kitchen!” the servant raced out of the main hall.
Lord Gambier was sweating even more than usual and vomiting over the firepit.
“Couldn’t have happened to a nicer fellow,” the Prince grinned at Percy. “An electric eel hey Percy?”
“Yes sire.”
“What is an electric eel exactly?”
“What do you think sire?”
“Well, without wishing to state the obvious…”
“They’re a genus, an electrophorus of neotropical freshwater fish with the ability to deliver electric shocks at up to eight hundred and sixty volts.”
“Wow!”
“Exactly.”
They both went quiet for a moment.
“Percy old chap,” began the Prince rather sheepishly.
“Are you going to ask me what electricity is?”
“Well…yes!”
“That’s for another time sire.”
“Oh, right I see,” the Prince shuffled for a few seconds before adding. “So are we friends again then Percy?”
“Of course we are sire, I notice you didn’t bring Dandini with you which means we have the foundations on which to build.”
“Oh yes! That is wonderful!”
“Yes sire, my loyalty and patience should be commended.”
“Yes! Yes! Now you’re back in the fold, we’ll have the time for you to explain eccentricity to me!”
“Electricity.”
“Yes, eleccentricity.”
“There’s plenty of eccentricity going round the realm sire, I am not sure that should require explaining after all these years.”
“I suppose!”
Sadly, Lord Gambier was bed bound for only a day before making the questionable decision to accompany the Prince as he was transported along with Percy and Rosie towards the Evil Queen’s territory.
“You didn’t have to come along,” the Prince remarked for about the tenth time as he sat in the back of the carriage in Gambier’s procession.
Lord Gambier had joined him in the carriage and made several inappropriate jokes which he presumably thought would keep his prisoners entertained.
“So then!” he strutted up and down in the carriage, keeping well clear of Percy’s hind legs and hooves as he’d been on the wrong end of them a few times already. “The great Prince Charming, under lock and key! My prisoner and on his way to certain oblivion with the Evil Queen! Whoever would have thought it?”
“Is it me Percy?” began the Prince. “Or has Lord Gambier put more weight on since we last had the misfortune to see him?”
“I think he might have lost some weight after consuming that eel sire.”
“Good point Percy. To see his body shaking around like that. Probably the most exercise he’s ever had.”
“Not so much of it!” Lord Gambier sprang forwards and slapped the Prince across the cheek. “I don’t have the privileges you enjoy Prince!”
“Like outdoor living and lots of exercise?” suggested Percy.
“My body is a temple,” Lord Gambier stretched as if flexing his puny muscles.
“A temple?” snorted the Prince.
“A temple in dire need of refurbishment,” added Percy. “Where the roof needs re-tiling, the plumbing is shot to pieces and there’s vermin in the cellar.”
“Don’t make me use this!” Lord Gambier clutched the whip that was attached to his belt.
Percy made a whinnying sound and took a back step which caused Lord Gambier to cower against the side of the carriage out of his range.
“Percy must be terrified,” the Prince remarked sarcastically.
“I can handle myself!” insisted Lord Gambier.
“I bet you can,” replied Percy as quick as a flash which brought a howl of laughter from the Prince.
“You won’t be laughing when you reach the Evil Queen,” the Lord sneered.
“Neither will you,” said Percy. “She is likely to want to celebrate our detention.”
“Another big banquet!”
“And a wedding.”
“What? To who?”
“Well, she’s already attempted it with Percy,” considered the Prince. “And myself.”
“Yes,” nodded Percy. “And she doesn’t strike me as the type who would put aside her pride and attempt marrying those who rejected her initially.”
“I wonder who the lucky victim will be?”
“Me?” Lord Gambier looked a combination of aroused, confused and slightly intimidated.
“You’d be the sloppy seconds,” said Percy.
“No, he’d be number three,” chuckled the Prince.
“And there was Archie of course!”
“Oh yes! I’d forgotten about him!”
“So the fourth choice sire?” Percy took another step back which provoked Lord Gambier to shuffle anxiously.
“That’s a bit embarrassing,” agreed the Prince.
“Now come on!” Lord Gambier spoke up rather obnoxiously for a man terrified and squashed up against the inside of a carriage. “At least I have a bird! A queen no less!”
“Ah, well that is something I want to investigate!” cried the Prince.
“What?”
“Exactly by what right does she have the title of ‘Queen’?” asked the Prince. “She’s got no lineage to royalty or nobility I know of! I’d reckon she was really just a witch who anointed herself as Queen to claim power and authenticity thus disguising her witchcraft and sorcery!”
“You’re making some very big calls for someone facing life imprisonment or execution!” Lord Gambier feigned a cackle.
“You have a point sire.”
“When we are clearing up this Realm Percy,” the Prince was adamant. “We shall do a lot of spring cleaning and bring many fraudsters to account! There will be multiple so-called aristocrats who are stripped of their lands and titles!”
Unsurprisingly, Lord Gambier had nothing to say.
They reached the palace of the Evil Queen within a few hours. Several of her troops appeared on horseback to escort them for the final few miles. Lord Gambier changed in mood as he became fidgety and lost his usual swagger.
“What do you think she’ll do Percy?” the Prince inquired.
“I suspect we will be subjected to a lot of pointless nonsense sire.”
“Really?”
“Starting with her marriage to Lord Gambier.”
The aforementioned Lord shuddered.
“Pomp and circumstance you mean?”
“Yes,” the wise horse nodded. “I suspect she will want a very public ceremony, in front of all the former rulers of the Kingdoms of the Realm. That will take months to organise. But it wouldn’t end there.”
“No, she’ll likely want an heir or heiress.”
“She’ll what?” cried a panicky Lord Gambier.
“She’ll want to be pregnant as soon as possible!”
“Oh but…but…” Lord Gambier was now sweating profusely.
“And then?” asked the Prince. “What about us?”
“I would expect myself to be swiftly executed,” Percy shrugged. “As for you and our cause, there will undoubtedly need to be a lot of diplomacy and negotiations to assuage her, to dissuade her from enslaving you and all the Kingdoms in the Realm.”
“Oh no Percy! What can I do?”
“She will know you have many allies across the Realm,” sighed Percy. “If she can be convinced to fear their reprisals, that would surely help you.”
“Maybe I will tell her different,” Lord Gambier had a sadistic grin on his sweaty countenance.
“You will keep your fat gob shut!” hissed the Prince.
“You don’t have any allies!” he sneered.
“He does,” nodded Percy. “Powerful and dangerous ones. Hansel and Gretal, the Dirty Shepherdess, the Tin Soldier…”
“Whatever!” Lord Gambier was becoming very brave all of a sudden. “But you seem to be stuck in the past Prince Charming! The days of you and that stupid talking donkey going around the Realm being do-gooders are numbered!”
“We will see Gambier.”
“We will!” he gave the Prince a withering look. “You are living in a bygone age! The Realm will inevitably be dominated by the likes of myself and the Evil Queen.”
“You always were a little rat!”
“No need to engage with him much longer sire,” Percy spoke up. “I think Lord Gambier has revealed his true self rather irresponsibly in the last few moments. That fact will inevitably be his undoing.”
“What are you talking about?” Lord Gambier went from his usual grey colour to being a pale milky white.
“You just couldn’t stop yourself, could you?” Percy half smiled before letting out an amused whinny.
“What?” Lord Gambier frowned which made him look more stupid than usual. “What are you on about you stupid ass!”
“I suppose you will be acquiring a new title once you have married the Evil Queen,” Percy continued.
“I hadn’t really thought about it,” replied Lord Gambier. “But, come to think of it, yes.”
“What will you be going for?” the Prince inquired.
“Oh, nothing too pretentious.”
“No?”
“Maybe, seeing as she is a Queen, I could be King Gambier.”
“Not a chance,” the Prince shook his head vehemently. “You have no lineal right to that title.”
“I think I know what title he could take,” said Percy a little craftily.
“Yes?”
“Duke Gambier…no, no, that’s not grand enough…I know…Arch Duke Gambier!”
“Arch Duke?” the Prince was puzzled.
“Yes,” nodded Percy. “Arch-Duke Gambier!”
“Why Arch?” Lord Gambier was troubled by the concept.
“It implies superiority,” explained Percy. “And seniority. An over-arching aristocrat, higher up the food chain than the others naturally.”
“Oh yes of course…”
“But just not too extreme to make the Queen feel undermined or outranked in any way.”
“Ah, yes.”
“Arch Duke Archie of the Realm!”
“Oh yes!” nodded Lord Gambier enthusiastically. “That sounds perfect!”
“I see.”
Percy left his last comment hanging rather dangerously in the air.
“You see what?” Lord Gambier asked nervously, drenched in sweat.
“If you recall,” explained Percy. “We remarked on your weight not long after initially being reacquainted with your ugly self? Do you remember?”
“I just thought you were being rude!”
“Didn’t we get the impression sire,” Percy appealed to the Prince. “That Lord Gambier had incredibly managed to put weight on?”
“Maybe?”
“You see,” Percy remained calm. “I could have sworn you were never this portly before because you simply don’t have the frame for it. Then some of your mannerisms reminded me of someone. I’d be prepared to bet you are not actually Lord Gambier but simply Archie wearing a fat suit and impersonating him.”
“No!” exclaimed Archie…I mean Lord Gambier…Arch Duke Gambier or whoever he next purports to be.
“Percy old chap!” cried the Prince. “I think you have hit the nail on the head!”
“Have I sire?”
“Yes! There’s obviously been some skullduggery here! This is just the tip of the iceberg!”
“Perhaps so sire, I suspect there’s a lot more going on. What exactly has befallen the real Lord Gambier, however odious the sweaty little fat man was, I dread to think. Archie here obviously took his place not long after fleeing us after that business with the puppet show.”
“This is ridiculous!” roared Lord Gambier. “What the heck is a fat suit anyway?”
“A padded suit which, if under enough clothing, could portray the wearer as being significantly more morbidly obese than they really are.”
“I am not wearing a fat suit!” he turned around with his arms crossed. “What a ridiculous idea!”
“Prove it!” shouted the Prince.
To the horror of sixty six per cent of the inhabitants in the carriage, the minority enthusiastically went about removing his garments.
“Your highness!” the Mirror summoned the Evil Queen to take a peek in the glass.
“What is it now?” the Evil Queen emerged from the bathroom wearing only a towel wrapped around her midriff.
“You might want to see what your latest prisoners are doing.”
“Oh really?”
“Yes, although I’d rather you got dressed beforehand.”
“No! No! What are they doing?”
“Isn’t there a robe you might put on?”
The Evil Queen peered into the glass with fascination.
“Interesting…”
“I can’t believe I have to project this filth,” complained the Mirror.
“Is that Lord Gambier?” the Evil Queen’s eyes bulged. “Why’s he naked?”
“I have no idea,” the Mirror replied. “Anyway, you damn well know it’s not really Lord Gambier!”
Back in the carriage, while the Evil Queen was quite titillated by events via the mirror, Lord Gambier had indeed stripped off all his clothes to prove he wasn’t wearing a fat suit.
“See!” he yelled. “Nothing of the sort! I am naturally this shape!”
“You should see a physician,” remarked Percy, looking him up and down with disgust. “I had no idea the male of the species could have such a small…”
“My body is a temple!”
“Maybe get your blood pressure checked out eh?”
“That’s definitely Archie,” said the Prince. “The birthmark on his left buttock that looks like a turnip is his.”
“Are all male humans this under-endowed sire?”
“No Percy, I just happen to have a very large…”
“Question is,” Percy interrupted him. “He’s now naked but maintains the same face as Lord Gambier.”
“But Percy! He still retains those piggy eyes and pouty lips!”
“Which Archie has too. But he’s not quite the same?”
“Magic!” cackled Archie as we are now thankfully able to refer to him as.
“Oh, that old get out,” the Prince rolled his eyes. “Isn’t it contrived Percy how these plots, in the absence of any proper explanation to a complex twist, wriggle out using the pretext of magic or sorcery being involved.”
“I am inclined to believe him,” countered Percy. “Remember sire, he is working in league with the Evil Queen and likely the Warlock. Even those crackpots might have changed his facial appearance to being that of Lord Gambier.”
“Bloody horse!”
Archie, formerly known as Lord Gambier, suddenly sprung from his corner and attacked Percy from the rear, presumably trying to mount him and strangle him or assault his head.
It was at this point that the back to the carriage was unbolted and the guards of the Evil Queen slung back the door to discover what was occurring.
Archie was immediately put in chains and taken to the dungeon.
To be continued…
Athon 