The Warlock – Part II

As the dear reader may remember from the last episode, the elusive Warlock and his loyal servant Plumtree had left their cave and travelled to a nearby town in order for the Warlock to meet members of the opposite sex. This included the fiasco of a speed dating event after which Plumtree concluded that the Warlock might be better served conjuring up a woman as opposed to setting himself the enormous task of attracting one and then keeping her compelled long enough to kiss her.
Therefore they had returned to the cave where the Warlock was now engaged with casting a spell that would create the ideal woman.
“You must be careful,” Plumtree warned him. “Don’t just go summoning up a woman from somewhere in the Realm!”
“No?”
“No! Because that would be abduction!”
“Oh yes.”
“Just make one from scratch,” the Gnome insisted. “Surely you can do that?”
“I’ll do my best,” the Warlock replied before taking a sip of brandy from his goblet while browsing his leather bound spell book. “I am not in the habit of making up creatures. Actual living beings!”
“I know but have you tried before?”
“Not really,” he sipped more brandy. “It’s a dangerous game you know. I could mistakenly conjure up a hybrid or a monster of some sorts! An unholy being that could run riot around the Realm! I must be very careful.”
“I will go and clear the rocks from the front of the caves,” said Plumtree severely. “So we can escape quickly if things turn nasty.”
By the time the Gnome had returned, his master had a hopeful and misty eyed expression on his face presumably because he had devised the appropriate spell. Or maybe it was the brandy.
“I’ve got it!” he indicated a page in his book.
“You think?”
“Oh yes!”
Suddenly the cave became a hive of activity with the Warlock dispatching his potions into the cauldron so that the smoke billowed from it and it began boiling over. Every so often he would chant mysterious incantations using a language that Plumtree didn’t recognize. Then, after drinking more brandy, the Warlock removed his shoes and socks, rolled up the sleeves of his tunic and then searched his shelves and cupboards before holding aloft a tin of powder excitedly.
He applied a dash of the pink powder on top of the bubbling lava-like liquid in the cauldron before replacing the tin in a cupboard and standing back with his arms folded.
“Is that it?” said Plumtree in surprise.
“Yes!”
“But don’t you say a rhyming couplet or something?”
“Should I?”
“Well maybe you should?” Plumtree shrugged. “Nothing is happening?”
“Okay then,” he paused to think for a moment. “Aha I’ve got it!”
“I hope you’re better with this than you were with chat up lines at the speed dating.”
“Wonky do, wanky dee! Conjure up a bird for me!”
To Plumtree’s amazement, this bizarre rhyme caused a flash of light in the cave. They were engulfed in smoke which made it difficult to see. A few moments later and the smoke had passed.
In the centre of the room stood a bird. A goose to be exact. It was covered in feathers that were golden in colour.
“What the flaming heck is this?” exclaimed Plumtree.
“Err…” the Warlock didn’t seem to know.
“It looks like a swan or, maybe, a goose?”
The Goose looked back at them blankly.
“I don’t know how that happened?” the Warlock stroked his beard.
“It was that stupid rhyme!” Plumtree remembered. “You did ask for a bird! I thought you were a mighty sorcerer? The most powerful being in the Realm? This is a right cock up!”
“No, it’s definitely a goose,” the Warlock corrected him.
“What are we going to do with it?” Plumtree remonstrated with him. “We’ll be knee deep in bird droppings in days!”
“I guess I will have to try again,” announced the Warlock as the bird waddled off to find a space in the cave where it could settle down away from their glare and the heat of the cauldron. “Casting spells can be a tricky thing you know? Getting them right first time is a rarity.”
The Warlock went through the whole process again, pouring various potions and powders into the cauldron and chanting the incantations with his eyes closed. Once more, the cauldron began to boil over with smoke pluming from it.
“Nearly there?” asked Plumtree with a yawn.
“Yes!” the Warlock took a sip of brandy prior to standing over the cauldron. “Wanky-woo, wanky-wee, bring me a girl who is foxy!”
There was another flash of light in the cave followed by the smoke overwhelming them to the point they could not see.
A lot of coughing came from the pair of them as they waved the smoke out of the cave so that it had eventually been dispersed. To their astonishment, they had a new arrival in the place.
Stood in front of them, on its hind legs, was a crafty looking Wolf. This was rather a surprise but more disturbing was the fact the creature was wearing a red dress with white polka dots and a bonnet on his head.
“What the hell is this meant to be?” Plumtree exclaimed.
“A wolf?” the Warlock was famed for his powers of observation.
“I can see that! But why oh why is he wearing a dress?”
“I’m really not sure. Perhaps that’s the female part of the spell?”
“You wanted a human female! Not a cross dressing male wolf!”
“Yes I did, didn’t I?”
“I know you are not all that familiar with the opposite sex,” cried the Gnome. “But this is ridiculous!”“I wonder if it can talk?”
“That’s a nice Goose,” remarked the Wolf with a growl while pointing at the bird in the corner of the cave.
“Oh no you don’t!” Plumtree objected. “Don’t get any ideas!”
“Me? No…”
“May I ask you something?” the Warlock inquired.
“Go on,” replied the Wolf casually.
“Why are you wearing a dress?”
“Dunno! You made me, remember?”
“Oh yes, so I did.”
“I must say,” nodded the Wolf. “I am a little perturbed as to why you have created me. What foul deeds are you intending to use me for? I mean come on! A cross dressing wolf?”
“I think you need taking to a therapist,” said Plumtree to the Warlock.
“It’s the magic!” he cried indignantly. “It’s an unsteady and temperamental thing is magic!”
“Apparently so,” Plumtree moved towards the Goose defensively while eyeing the Wolf suspiciously.
“I suppose I will have to try again,” said a gloomy Warlock.
“I’m not sure that is a good idea,” replied the Gnome.
“Oh come on!” insisted the Warlock, suddenly becoming optimistic. “I am getting closer!”
“Are you though? Really?”
“Yes!” he nodded at the Wolf. “He’s wearing a dress! That’s feminine!”
“You’re really making massive strides.”
The Warlock prepared a third spell using his potions, powders and the cauldron. Plumtree went to the Goose, still wary of the Wolf before a thought occurred. He seized a piece of rope from his trusty workbox and approached the Wolf. Before the creature could say anything or resist, the Gnome had tied him to a boulder in the cave. Feeling safe that he was bound securely, Plumtree returned to the Goose for closer scrutiny.
“I am nearly there!” declared the Warlock.
“You know what?” remarked Plumtree in excitement, looking at the Goose’s feathers. “I think this Goose actually has real golden feathers?”
“Has it?”
“And!” Plumtree was agog as he saw an item roll out from beneath the bird. “It’s laying gold eggs!”
“My word,” the Warlock took a drag of brandy. “How peculiar. I wonder how that happened?”
“I’m glad you’re in complete control of what you’re doing,” the Gnome marvelled at the egg as he checked its weight as he held it in both hands.
“Right, I am ready!” said the Warlock. “Although I don’t think I can come up with another rhyme?”
“Oh go on…” Plumtree was thoughtful for a moment. “Try this. ‘Wankety-woo, wankety-wee, I want a girl with a great set of pipes for me!’”
“Okay…” the Warlock was puzzled but repeated the rhyme all the same.
The cave was filled with yet another flash of light.
There, in front of them, stood a tall yet weedy looking man in a tunic, stockings and buckled boots. He wore a peaked hat on his head and was holding a flute.
“Who the hell is this?” said Plumtree.
“I am the Pied Piper!” the man replied in a creepy and high pitched voice. “Do you want me to play for you?”
“Okay!” the Gnome put his hands on his hips and rounded on the Warlock. “This is getting stupid! We are accruing a menagerie of freaks! The Golden Goose, I admit, has value. But the cross dressing Wolf and now this fellow?”
“Let me play my pipe!”
“Pipe down!”
“I really don’t know what I did wrong,” the Warlock was glum.
Suddenly the Piper put his instrument to his lips. A strange melody echoed about the cave as he capered and danced along towards the edge of it.
The Warlock and Plumtree regarded each other in surprise but remained rooted to the spot.
“Well, he’s a funny chap,” said Plumtree.
“It’s a nice tune he’s playing though,” said the Warlock as he began tapping his toe along to it. “Very catchy.”
Suddenly, to the concern of his servant, the Warlock began dancing as well, hypnotized by the Piper’s melody and following the Piper towards the edge of the cave.
“Sir!” Plumtree hurriedly blocked his path. “No! No! We have a job to be getting on with!”
“But it’s such a seductive tune!”
“No!” the Gnome hauled the Warlock back towards his cauldron. “You are staying here! What is all this? A goose laying golden eggs? A cross-dressing Wolf and now a suspicious looking bloke who can lure people with his flute playing? You are conjuring up a right bunch of reprobates!”
“None of them are exactly women are they?” wondered the Warlock, as if he needed it confirming.
“No, certainly bloody not!” Plumtree snapped before being distracted by the shrill pipe playing. “I’m going to shut him up!”
A moment later and Plumtree returned to the Warlock with the Piper. The latter looked disconsolate as his pipe had been taken away by the Gnome and his hands bound with more rope.
“Why did you do that?” the Piper complained.
“Because I don’t know exactly what the consequences of your pipe playing are yet,” the Gnome remarked. “It wouldn’t be responsible to let you go gallivanting around the Realm with that thing. I was disturbed by the hold it had over my master!”
“It’s just my hobby,” the Pied Piper shrugged innocently. “I merely want to share my gift of pipe playing with children…”
“Children?”
“I mean the people!” he hurriedly corrected himself. “Why should they be deprived of my talent?”

“We will see,” Plumtree was dubious before turning to the Warlock who appeared to be preparing for another spell as he added his potions to the cauldron. “You’re still continuing?”
“I will get there in the end!”
“I’m not so sure and what creature will we end up with next in this procession of curios and freaks?” the Gnome remonstrated with him.
“Wankety woo! Wankety wee!” began the Warlock. “Bring someone to fulfil all my wishes for me!”
You probably know the drill, dear reader. There was another flash of light in the cave.
Once the smoke had cleared, they cast their eyes on a small lamp which stood on the floor near the cauldron.
“Another roaring success…” groaned Plumtree.
“How very strange,” said the Warlock before stooping down to pick the Lamp up.
He held it in both his hands for a moment.
“I really don’t think this is working,” said Plumtree.
“No, perhaps not. I say, this Lamp is really grubby,” the Warlock used the sleeve of his tunic to rub the dust and grease from the top of the Lamp.
Yet another flash of light occurred in the cave prior to a large sprite in male form emerging from the Lamp.
“What the?” Plumtree gasped.
“Who are you?” spluttered the Warlock.
“I’m the Genie of the Lamp,” the sprite rolled his eyes tiresomely. “You called?”
“We did?”
“Yes! You rubbed the Lamp and here I am!” the Genie looked at the Warlock as if he were a simpleton. “Now, come on then? What do you want?”
“What do you mean?” frowned the Warlock.
“You must want me to grant you a wish?” the Genie said. “Go on, get on with it. What is it?”
“My word!” Plumtree was very impressed as he regarded the Warlock in amazement. “You’ve actually managed to create a being more reliable than your own magic!”
“Have I?” the Warlock was beside himself.
“Of course you have! Now tell this fellow to grant you the wish of summoning up a woman for you! Finally!”
“Yes, get on with it will you?” the Genie was impatient. “I don’t like it outside the Lamp. It’s really cold out here.”
“I’m sorry,” said the Warlock.
“Hang on!” the Genie suddenly became cynical. “Did your Gnome friend just mention summoning up a woman as one of your wishes?”
“Yes!” said Plumtree.
“And…” the Genie suddenly peered around the cave and did a double take after seeing the other fruits of the Warlock’s labour. “Why is there a Wolf in a dress here along with a creepy looking middle aged man?”
“He’s not middle aged…” the Gnome indicated the Warlock.
“Not him!” the Genie shook his head firmly. “Him!”
He was pointing at the Piper.

“It doesn’t matter,” replied Plumtree. “Now you need to get on with granting the wish.”
“Oh no!” the Genie folded his arms. “You seriously want me to grant you that wish? To summon up a lady for you?”
“Yes!” shouted Plumtree.
“Not a chance!” the Genie regarded the Piper suspiciously. “I’m not subjecting some poor unwitting damsel to whatever is going on in this cave!”
“What do you mean?” the Warlock blushed. “’Whatever is going on in this cave?’”
“A perverts convention by the looks of it!” said the Genie.
“What?” Plumtree cried.
“Yes, whatever depravities are taking place here, I am having absolutely nothing to do with them!”
“But you are a Genie?” said Plumtree. “You are meant to grant whatever wish is requested?”
“Nope!” the Genie shook his head slowly.
“Oh wonderful!” Plumtree rounded on the Warlock. “So you were meant to create a woman and instead you’ve come up with a Golden Goose, a cross dressing Wolf, a peculiar man with a pipe fixation and an ethical and morally principled Genie.”
“I don’t know how I do it!” the Warlock remarked.
“That’s part of the problem.”
“Can I go home now?” the Genie asked moodily.
“You won’t negotiate?” Plumtree tried appealing to him. “My master clearly isn’t capable of conjuring up a lady but I bet you can.”
“I’m not doing it,” the Genie insisted. “I do have standards you know.”
“Brilliant!” Plumtree exclaimed. “I thought being a Genie was all about discretion? It’s not as if you are going to be detained for doing something with bad consequences is it?”
“It’s not that straightforward!” said the Genie. “I’m not just some gun for hire you know. You might not be discerning about what you wish for and your intentions but I have to be responsible.”
“Worst Genie ever!”
“Does this mean I have to cast another spell?” the Warlock asked Plumtree.
“I don’t know,” the Gnome pouted. “We now do have quite a few legacy issues to deal with.”
“I am sure having a goose that produces gold will come in handy!” said a cheerful Warlock.
“Yes, it will help us deal with all the lawsuits brought due to the inevitable indecent acts of the Wolf and the Piper.”
“Can I go back in now?” the Genie was very cross. “It is freezing here! And, for your information, I am agoraphobic!”
“You’re what?” frowned the Warlock.
“Typical,” tutted Plumtree. “Not only do we get an ethical Genie with a social conscience, but we get one yearning to remain in the Lamp!”
“This has been worse than the speed dating!” cried the Warlock.

“Sadly, you might be right,” nodded the Gnome before addressing the Genie. “You can have your leave.”
“Thank you!” the Genie gave a heavy sigh of relief.
There was yet another flash of light in the cave as the Genie shot back into the Lamp which rattled as it sat on the stony ground.
“Well, he was of no help whatsoever,” groaned Plumtree.
“Shall I cast another spell?” the Warlock asked.
“Go on then,” Plumtree shrugged. “What’s the worst that can happen? An ogre with a golden shower fetish? A princess wearing a strap-on?”
“You mention such strange things sometimes Plumtree?” said the Warlock. “I forget how much more experienced and well travelled you are than me.”
Another spell was cast by the Warlock. As the smoke dispersed, Plumtree could barely look.
In front of them stood a curious creature. An egg shaped body including his face with arms and legs of about four foot in height, he wore a smart suit and had red cheeks.
“What is this?” Plumtree complained. “He looks like an egg with limbs?”
“Very strange,” agreed the Warlock as he drank more brandy. “Not a woman?”
“Definitely not a woman.”
“My name is Humpty!” the recently arrived creature introduced himself in a high pitched voice. “Humpty Dumpty!”
“And what is your unique selling point?” Plumtree rolled his eyes.
“I am an anthropomorphic egg,” he announced casually.
“Of course you are,” the Gnome glared at the Warlock.
“Protein!” the Wolf licked his lips.
“You shut up!” Plumtree warned him. “Or I’ll gag you.”
“I bet you will.”
“Shall I go again?” asked the Warlock.
“Actually,” the Gnome cleared his throat. “Maybe it would be better if you stop casting spells for the moment?”
“Really?”
“Yes, who knows where it might end?” Plumtree said before surveying the Wolf and the Piper thoughtfully. “Anyway, we need to work out what to do with this little lot!”
“I suppose.”
“Can you make them vanish?”
“An invisibility spell?”
“Well…no,” Plumtree shook his head, fearing the consequences of making the Wolf invisible. “Definitely not that. Just make them disappear altogether?”
“I can try…” the Warlock took a sip of brandy prior to reaching into his potion cupboard.
A few moments later and the Warlock’s cauldron had bubbled over once more so that the floor was in quite a state and he was uttering more incomprehensible words as yet another flash of light happened in the cave.
The inevitable smoke eventually cleared.
“This is bleeding intolerable for my asthma!” complained the Piper.

“Good, if that prevents you from blowing on your bloody pipe!” replied Plumtree as he wiped his eyes and peered around the cave for the latest of the Warlock’s creations.
There was nothing.
“That’s strange?” frowned the Warlock. “Nothing has happened?”
“No…” the Gnome knitted his brows. “I see nobody.”
“That’s what you think!”
They all jumped in response to the reedy male voice that had just spoken.
“What the heck is happening?” began the Warlock turning to Plumtree. “Was that you? It wasn’t funny Plumtree!”
“Definitely wasn’t me,” the Gnome insisted.
“I like your cave,” the voice continued. “But I am not sure of the company you keep!”
“Okay, okay,” Plumtree was thoughtful as he did a quick check of who remained in the vicinity. “You’ve not made anyone disappear. You’ve not made anyone invisible. So…I suppose this voice must be coming from someone new.”
“I guess?” the Warlock was hardly an authority on the latest developments.
“Someone new…” Plumtree clapped his hands together. “Who is invisible!”
“Oh yes!” said the voice enthusiastically. “I am indeed invisible. So you won’t know where I am at any given time. I could be right by your ear, behind you, in front of you…I can do anything.”
“Oh great,” grumbled Plumtree. “Another reprobate. Just what we needed.”
“What do you look like?” wondered the Warlock.
“I take many appearances,” explained the voice. “I can blend in with my surroundings or just be elusive if I wish.”
“Are you female?” checked the Warlock hopefully.
“Is he female?” Plumtree sighed. “Listen to his bloody voice! This is clearly a bloke!”
“Well you never know…”
“Fine!” snapped Plumtree. “Right then, mysterious invisible being, for the record can we just confirm something please?”
“Yes?”
“Are you male?”
“Yes.”
“And are you currently going through gender reassignment treatment?”
“No.”
“Any plans to in the future?”
“I know I said I could take any appearance but not that one.”
“I see…” Plumtree regarded the Warlock sadly. “So then sir, after your fifth attempt, we still don’t have a woman for you.”
“That’s a shame.”
“I can meet lots of women,” the voice remarked craftily. “I can see them.”
“That’s of little use to us,” replied Plumtree.
“Without them knowing I am there.”
“Oh for crying out loud!”

“In fact,” continued the voice. “I really don’t know why I am here talking to you losers! I should move on! Wander about the Realm and find some voluptuous damsels!”
They heard footsteps which gradually faded out of the cave and out of the entrance.
“Right, that is it!” Plumtree rounded on the Warlock. “No more!”
“But what about me finding a woman?”
“Do you ever get the impression, it just wasn’t to be?” Plumtree shrugged. “Forget that for the moment. We need to work out what to do with this motley crew you have created!”
“What to do with them?”
“Don’t get any funny ideas!” said the Wolf.
“Yes,” Plumtree said to the Warlock. “It’s bad enough there is an invisible man let loose in the Realm. We cannot have the likes of the Genie or the Golden Goose falling into the wrong hands! If someone got hold of the pair of them, they could wreak havoc!”
“I suppose so. What would you suggest Plumtree?”
“We can’t keep them in here,” reasoned the Gnome. “I reckon we should disperse them far and wide across the Realm. With the hope that they never come under the control of one person. Imagine a person having limitless gold and a powerful Genie along with henchman like this bizarre Wolf and the Piper?”
“That sounds like a plan,” nodded Warlock.
“Right then,” Plumtree turned to Humpty Dumpty first. “You! Follow me.”
“What?” Humpty was nervous.
“We are going on a little trip!”
Plumtree led Humpty Dumpty out of the cave and eventually across into the neighbouring Kingdom. After walking for a further two hours, they found a small village where Plumtree gave Humpty several bags of gold coins so he could take a room at an Inn.
On returning to the cave, Plumtree did similar with the Wolf. With his hands tied and led along using a rope, the Gnome took him to the North West region of the Realm. They found a large forest where Plumtree cut him loose. The Wolf licked his lips prior to disappearing hungrily into the undergrowth.
The Golden Goose was taken by Plumtree to a hamlet near the caves. The Gnome spotted a tradesman was readying to travel North with his horse and carriage. Unseen, Plumtree hurriedly bundled the Goose into the back of the carriage as it departed.
“I’m free!” cooed the Piper as Plumtree untied him before thinking better of giving him his pipe.
“Not yet!” said the Gnome firmly. “Follow me!”
The pair of them walked for several days to the South of the Realm. There were a few arguments as the Piper decided to whistle during much of their journey.
“Will you shut up!”
“Why don’t you start dancing to my tune?” complained the Piper, eyeing his pipe which Plumtree was holding with interest.
“I am immune thankfully.”

Once they reached a particularly remote area in the mountains, Plumtree presented the Piper with his instrument before doing an about turn and marching North back to the caves.
This left the Genie in the Lamp. Plumtree travelled East on horseback where he found a giant citadel in the desert. He entered an antique store where the Lamp was sold to the owner for a modest sum. Plumtree didn’t disclose the true nature of the Lamp and quickly departed the citadel.
“That’s it then,” he told the Warlock back in the cave. “Your peculiar and potentially dangerous creations have been divided up across the Realm. Hopefully no harm has been done or will be done. With any luck, nobody will ever learn of the power of the Lamp.”
“No.”
“And the value of the Golden Goose might be put to some good. For the benefit of society?”
“Hopefully.”
“And that weird egg shaped chap might live his life quietly and without persecution for his appearance.”
“That would be nice.”
“And the Wolf might be hunted down and killed.”
“With any luck.”
“It’s the Pied Piper that really worries me,” sighed Plumtree before looking his master up and down in disgust. “I dread to think what goes on in that head of yours sir, I really do.”

To be continued…