As the Prince, Archie, Red Riding Hood and Percy surveyed the intimidating demonstration of military power at the Castle of the Evil Queen, their hearts sank.
“This is going to be a tough one!” exclaimed the Prince.
“Yes sire.”
“What I want to know is, where has the Evil Queen come from? What is her background? If we’d known about her evil intentions before, we would have confronted her, surely? She is very mysterious!”
“Well sire,” began Percy. “She’s not as mysterious as you think. You do have an acquaintance in common.”
“Yes, who?”
“Snow White,” he said before explaining. “You see sire, this woman is the same Evil Queen who attempted to kill Snow White many years ago, before the latter set up her brothel. Snow White, having survived the attempt on her life, left this Kingdom to flee to another. That’s why she has the brothel, because she had to start a whole new life and earn a living.”
“I see,” nodded the Prince.
“Therefore sire, I think we should go and pay Snow White a visit to gather more information about the Evil Queen. She might have an idea how to defeat her. She may well know what her weaknesses are.”
“Yes!” cried Archie. “Let’s go to the brothel immediately!”
“You must be relieved?” Percy said to Archie.
“Once we get to the brothel…”
“No! I mean seeing as you just got through an entire book without burning anyone to death? Sadly, last time out, burning to death one of the eponymous characters would have been very useful.”
“That’s Archie,” said the Prince. “When you actually need him to burn someone to death, he fails. When it’s the last thing you possibly want to happen, somehow he finds a way of throwing an innocent victim on a fire or in an oven.”
“At least I broke the run of disastrous form!” cried Archie. “Three on the bounce would have been terrible! See? I am turning a corner!”
With Archie seemingly feeling like some credit was due for this, they travelled North to the house of Snow White.
“Now you behave yourself when we get there Archie,” the Prince warned him. “We haven’t got time for any confusing chat up lines in French or awkward silences because you’ve said something inappropriate.”
“Come on! What do you take me for? I know how to behave! Should be quite exciting though! All those semi-naked women wandering around the house all the time…”
“Now stop there!” Red Riding Hood chided him. “Firstly, that is not what it is like in there at all!”
“How do you know? Have you worked in it?”
“No, I went there with the Prince.”
“Oh yeah?” his eyes widened. “As customers?”
“No! I went to the brothel with the Prince to kill the Wolf!” she gave him a dirty look. “Anyway, to continue, it’s like any other normal house apart from what goes on in the bedrooms upstairs. Which are private! So, when we get there, you just keep quiet and don’t go wandering off or poking your nose into things that don’t concern you or us.”
“It’s probably for the best actually,” said Archie after a few moments.
“Why?”
“I was looking forward to seeing all the attractive damsels,” shrugged Archie. “But, thinking about it, Snow White is known for fraternising with those little mates of hers. The Dwarfs. She might be employing them in her brothel. You know…for people with a fetish for dwarfs.”
“Or other dwarfs?” suggested the Prince.
“I am fairly sure that is not the case,” said Percy.
“I expect ‘Happy’ would be fine,” Archie continued wittering on to their annoyance. “‘Grumpy’ might get a bit aggressive, ‘Sleepy’ probably wouldn’t get much business although ‘Bashful’ might. Some like the coy type. Certainly can’t see anyone finding ‘Sneezy’ attractive!”
“I’ve just had a thought,” announced Percy. “We should send word to the Palace about what we are doing. We will probably need the Genie, he could come in extremely useful. One of us should ride there as soon as possible.”
“Good point Percy,” the Prince instantly replied. “Archie, you take Red Riding Hood’s horse and ride to the Palace.”
“What? Why me?”
“You’re the best on horseback aren’t you?”
“Well, I don’t like to brag…”
“And the best swordsman in case you ran into trouble alone.”
“I suppose that is true although I am a bit rusty and…”
“Hurry up!” the Prince nudged him off the back of Percy. “To the Palace post-haste!”
“I didn’t know the Palace had a post room?” he switched places with Red Riding Hood.
“We need someone we can rely on, now get moving!”
“Oh right.”
That unconvincing argument satisfied Archie who seized the reins of the horse to ride off in the opposite direction.
“Well that worked out,” remarked Red Riding Hood as she joined the Prince on Percy.
“It would have worked out a lot better,” said Percy. “If he hadn’t gone off in the wrong direction. He needed to head left towards the mountain range. The Palace is beyond there. Who knows where he’s headed!”
The Evil Queen was admiring her forces from the North tower of her Castle. She held the make-up compact with the Mirror in it.
“Hundreds of heavily armed troops!” she told the Mirror.
“Maybe one of them will date you?”
“How dare you!”
“Don’t rule it out,” insisted the Mirror. “Soldiers spend a lot of time away from the opposite sex. They have to suppress their carnal desires. But once they are on leave, they are incorrigible.”
“Are they?” the Queen was excited.
“Yes, so anything will do, they’re that desperate. They’ll probably sleep with anyone.”
“I am looking for a man of noble blood,” she shook her head.
“Are you? That’s interesting and it might work for you.”
“Why, because of my own noble breeding?”
“No, because of all the inter breeding in the Royal families of the Realm means any Princes or Dukes will likely be a bit dim. Lacking common sense or taste. You might be in there?”
“Whatever! Look at my forces! The Goose has swelled the coffers so we can triple them in size within a few days. Soon we will have thousands of troops, hundreds of cavalry riders and cannons fit to blow away every Castle in the Realm!”
“That is all very well,” said the Mirror. “But who will lead them all?”
“Me of course!”
“You are not a General!” the Mirror sighed. “You are just some desperate ageing Queen going through a delayed mid-life crisis. If you really want to wage war across the Realm, you will need more than military might. It will be battle after battle in territories you don’t know against a variety of adversaries. You pledged to control the seas but I see no naval capacity. If your enemies get control of the rivers they can cut you off.”
The Evil Queen hesitated to think about the point, gradually realizing the Mirror spoke sense.
“I see what you mean,” she conceded. “We border several Kingdoms. We could be gridlocked.”
At that moment one of the Evil Queen’s guards appeared in the tower.
“Majesty,” he bowed. “Your troops have detained a man on the edge of your estate. He was riding with haste so they took him prisoner as he seemed suspicious. It turns out that he knows Prince Charming.”
“Does he indeed?”
“Yes, although Your Majesty, I must warn you, I’m not sure he’s the full ticket.”
“No?”
“He keeps boasting about being integral in the Civil War and the Referendum. I fought in the Civil War, on the winning side, and I don’t remember him.”
“Bring him to me!” the Evil Queen commanded him.
Ten minutes later, Archie was brought before the Evil Queen in her banqueting hall. He had chains and manacles on his hands and ankles. He was subdued, looking rather worried until he noticed he had female company.
“Nobody told me how enchanting the Evil Queen is…” he winked at her.
“Why were you riding through my Kingdom?” the Evil Queen asked him as she ran her hands through her hair and quickly checked her reflection in the compact.
“Well…err…” he stammered before an idea came to him. “I was on my way to see you!”
“You were?”
“Was I? Yes…yes…of course I was.”
“Why?” she gasped.
“Je voulais voir si vos boulettes sont humides et je peux voir qu’elles sont périmées.”
“I know a little French,” the Evil Queen nodded in recognition. “I didn’t get all of that but I am glad you like what you see.”
“I am pleased we speak the same language,” nodded Archie. “The language of love.”
“Please excuse me,” the Evil Queen blushed as she retreated to the other side of the hall to stand behind a column where she produced the compact and looked into the Mirror. “What do you think?”
“About what?”
“You know…him?” she giggled.
“That twit?”
“What?”
“You are right about you only knowing a little French!” scorned the Mirror. “If you knew any more, you’d be repulsed!”
“He is a dish!”
“A dirty one!” replied the Mirror. “That needs a scrubber. So, therefore, I suppose he’s perfect for you.”
“He told me I was beautiful!” she gushed.
“No, he didn’t. He used the word ‘enchanting’.”
“Same thing, oh what should I do?”
“If your intentions are amorous, I think that is obvious,” the Mirror said in a matter of fact way.
“Have a romantic candlelit meal with him?”
“Perhaps, apparently he likes meatballs?”
“Meatballs?” the Evil Queen shrugged. “Maybe later, yet removing the chain and manacles from his hands and feet might be your first move.”
“Oh yes!”
“Unless he’s into that sort of thing.”
“Okay, but what else should I do or say? You know that funny tingle I used to get?”
“Sadly yes. You kept me in the loop on that one.”
“I’m getting it now,” her voice quivered.
“Can we return to the others now please?” the Mirror suddenly felt uncomfortable.
“Remove those!” the Evil Queen barked as she approached the others, gesturing at her guards then towards Archie.
Sadly there was a misunderstanding amongst the guards so that one of them nodded at her prior to pulling down Archie’s trousers.
The Evil Queen swooned.
“Please!” cried Archie. “I know it looks funny but it still works okay. You’ll never notice!”
“I meant the manacles and chains!” the Evil Queen told her guards.
The guards hurriedly obeyed.
Meanwhile Archie stood there in front of the Evil Queen with his nether regions still exposed. The Evil Queen was mesmerised. A few seconds passed by until Archie pulled his trousers up.
“I hear you like meatballs,” she remarked after a pause.
“No more than the next man.”
“I must say,” the Evil Queen was thoughtful. “I recognize you from somewhere.”
“Before or after my trousers were pulled down?”
“Before…your face…I am sure I have seen you elsewhere?”
“Yes, yes,” he nodded excitedly. “I commanded one of the sides in the Civil War.”
“So I hear.”
“Yes.”
“You know about war?”
“Yes,” he beamed. “I see you have quite the arsenal.”
“What?”
“Huge!”
“Excuse me?”
“Yes, all those men in it, including those Sumo wrestlers.”
“How dare you!”
“I was referring to your army?”
“Oh, I see,” her eyes lit up. “I am on the look out for a man with a deep knowledge of military matters. I need a keen strategic mind. A tactical genius of warfare.”
It went quiet as Archie rubbed his freed wrists and ankles. He finally straightened up to look blankly at the Evil Queen.
“Oh, you mean me?”
“Yes!”
“Well, I can have a go I suppose. What is it you want doing?”
“I want my arsenal strengthening!”
“You do?”
“Yes!”
“I am sure there are exercises for that…”
“I want the invasion of every Kingdom in the Realm, domination of the seas and the rivers. I want a time when every single drop of water or soil is under my control.”
“Right,” gulped Archie. “I will see what I can do!”
“But let us talk more over dinner,” she suggested.
“J’accepte votre proposition et je vais boire dans votre gobelet poilu,” he winked at her.
The Evil Queen giggled to herself before flirtatiously toying with the top buttons of her dress.
“Now!” began Archie. “About this arsenal of yours…”
In her boudoir that evening, the Evil Queen prepared for her meal with Archie. She applied another coat of make up before turning to her looking glass.
“Mirror, mirror on the wall…”
“That’s a lot of war paint!” remarked the Mirror. “You’ve trowled it on. Are you trying to hide something?”
“I’ve applied a few subtle touches of make up to accentuate my natural beauty,” replied the Evil Queen indignantly. “I am a little nervous as it’s been so long since I had male company like this.”
“Well that’s your fault. You did poison your husband!”
“He had to go, the dribbling old fool. I needed a real man!”
“And a Kingdom of your own.”
“That too.”
“I’m mostly nervous about what I’ll do when we get to the bedroom,” shivered the Evil Queen.
“I think turning the lights off might be helpful.”
“It’s been a while since I got up to anything like that in my bedroom.”
“Well, that’s not quite true now is it?” the Mirror pointed out.
“What do you mean?”
“That little toy you have?”
“I did that under the covers! Were you watching all the time?”
“You should probably point the looking glass towards the wall when you’re playing with your toys.”
“I feel violated!”
“So did I! The noise, my word!” protested the Mirror.
“Anyway, do you think I am dressed for the occasion?”
“Yes, I suppose, although you could have put some knickers on you strumpet?”
“Oh that,” she rolled her eyes. “I wanted to entice him by uncrossing and crossing my legs so he can see it.”
“That dusty old thing? I’m not sure seeing that will entice him. Hence my recommendation to turn off the lights in the bedroom.”
Percy, carrying the Prince and Red Riding Hood, reached Snow White’s house in the countryside. The servant recognised them from their last visit.
“Oh no, not you again!” he cried. “Don’t go round shooting the ladies this time will you?”
“To be fair,” Red Riding Hood shrugged. “I shot the Wolf, nobody else.”
The servant reluctantly let them in and took Percy to the stable. Snow White met them in her study.
“Business good?” asked the Prince.
“Yes, yes,” she nodded as another servant poured them all tea. “Although I had to dismiss one of the women this morning.”
“Oh, why?”
“She joined a week ago but then, by word of mouth, I discovered she goes by the name of the Dirty Shepherdess! I can’t be having women working here with that sort of moniker and reputation! How she came to be known by that name is beyond me? What foul or depraved deeds has she committed! No, she had to go, I have a business to look after!”
“I understand.”
“What brings the pair of you here? I hope it’s not another miscreant disguising themselves as one of the women? The Wolf caused a lot of scandal!”
“Fortunately not,” said the Prince. “No, this time it is concerning you or, rather, a person you know. The Evil Queen?”
“Oh her!” Snow White’s face fell. “I haven’t seen her for years. I rather hoped she might have died of old age by now.”
“Sadly not,” the Prince was stern. “She is on the brink of bringing the Realm to its knees. You see, recently a very powerful item came under her control. She has a Golden Goose which lays golden eggs. Solid gold which she has traded so that she has raised a fearsome army. Because of the gold, she can continue to expand it so that invading other Kingdoms will be relatively straightforward for her. She is likely to steamroll her way to dominating the entire Realm.”
“Gosh! How did she get the Golden Goose?”
“It’s a long story but she has been quietly watching and waiting for an opportunity to cause chaos. It has taken us by surprise.”
“If she invades this Kingdom, she won’t hesitate in killing me,” Snow White’s eyes glistened. “She must be stopped!”
“That’s why we are here,” nodded the Prince. “We know little about her other than she won’t be negotiated with. We are wondering if she has any weaknesses? Are there any chinks in her armour?”
“She is incredibly vain,” said Snow White. “Now, that might not sound much, however it drives her. It makes her insanely jealous of younger women and attractive ones. She talks to herself in the mirror and spends much of her day putting make up on. She wouldn’t dare leave the Castle without it. It would truly terrify her if anyone saw her for who she really is; a hagged old crone! It might be a flaw that you could exploit but I am not sure given she will be hidden away in the Castle while her armies trounce the other Kingdoms.”
“Fair point,” the Prince was thoughtful. “It might give us a chance of getting at her. We are trying to avoid the military confrontation although that seems grimly inevitable.”
“She is also prone to using disguises, oh and beware,” added Snow White. “If she ever offers you fruit, just politely decline it. She has this obsession with lacing fruit with poison. Apples, bananas, oranges, pears, cherries, grapes, peaches, melons…anything. I’m just glad she never set up that fruit stall in the market she talked about.”
“I suppose I could approach the Castle and flatter her to get close before trying to either vanquish her or snatch the Golden Goose?”
“The problem is,” said Red Riding Hood. “We don’t know what she looks like.”
“I thought you saw her in the crystal ball?” asked the Prince.
“No, it was all relayed to me by the Sorcerer.”
“You took his word for it? Blimey!”
“I know what she looks like,” sighed Snow White. “However good any disguise she uses, I should be able to recognise her. I’ve learned my lesson after last time.”
“But what about the fact she will want you dead?”
“I shall come with you, But I will need a way of obscuring my appearance.”
“Will my cloak do?” suggested Red Riding Hood.
“Perfect thanks.”
Percy was a little grouchy when he was told he would be carrying all three of them to the Evil Queen’s Castle.
“Sire? I am polite enough not to comment about the weight of the ladies but still, three of you?”
“Sorry Percy old chap! But needs must.”
Percy took them towards the Kingdom of the Evil Queen.
“So what exactly happened between you and her?” inquired Red Riding Hood of Snow White.
“Oh,” Snow White tutted. “She married my father. I told him she was mutton dressed as lamb but he was seduced by her. Not long after shacking up with my father, she clearly resented me and tried to drive me out of my home. It was then that the poison apple business kicked off.”
“I’ve been thinking,” announced Percy. “The plan should be to identify the old bat from afar courtesy of Snow White before Red Riding Hood assassinates her using her crossbow.”
“Happy to,” smiled Red Riding Hood.
“That works for me,” agreed Snow White.
The banqueting hall was abuzz as the servants prepared the table for the Evil Queen and Archie. The former was upstairs still choosing what perfume to put on while Archie was already present with a tankard of ale. He quizzed the servants about his date.
“So then, what’s she like in bed?”
“She likes tea and toast first thing and cocoa last thing at night,” explained one.
“She has cocoa?”
“Yes, she loves her sleep.”
Archie’s intrigue about his date went no further.
Within the hour he was seated at a round table opposite the Evil Queen who was wearing a lot of make up while, if one was feeling malicious, her hair appeared rather more luscious than before, as if she had donned a wig. Archie had procured a smart suit complete with a waistcoat and a dandelion in his buttonhole.
Between them at the table was a lit candle in a silver holder. The table was laid with silver cutlery and the servants had poured them champagne in gold goblets.
“So do you come here regularly?” Archie asked the Evil Queen.
“Yes, I’ve lived here for thirty years.”
“Oh…” Archie sipped his drink.
“Do you?”
“No, I am new to this Kingdom.”
“Oh I see.”
“How come a lady like you is still single?” Archie decided to go with the basics. “I mean, look at you.”
The Mirror desperately wanted to say something but could only hear as she was confined to the compact in the Evil Queen’s pocket.
“I have been unlucky in love,” answered the Evil Queen. “Although I was married.”
She held a distant, faraway look as she emoted about the memory of the man she had poisoned to death.
“What happened to him?” asked Archie.
“I am a widow.”
“I see, but why are you single?”
“Why are you?”
“Well,” Archie geared up for a long case for the defence. “It’s a funny one is that. I often wonder but then it might be because I put my role as a leader and a public servant ahead of my own personal needs. People often tell me that I need to put aside more ‘me time’ but I can’t find it. It’s not in my nature to neglect the people in my Kingdom. I am sure you feel the same way.”
“Are there people in my Kingdom?” she asked. “Other than the servants and my soldiers that is?”
“So to sum up,” continued Archie. “I’ve yet to find Mrs Right.”
“When was your last relationship?” inquired the Evil Queen.
“A while back,” replied Archie. “It was with a Mermaid.”
“Really?” the Evil Queen gaped at him.
“Yes, yes, it was serious and took me a long time to get over it when we went our separate ways.”
“How did…that work exactly?”
“What do you mean?” he was puzzled.
“Doesn’t matter,” she was dismissive. “Now listen to me, I want to suggest we form a union. Myself as ruler and you as the General of my armies?”
“That’s an interesting offer,” he nodded.
“And it need not just end there,” she eyed him with desire.
After dinner, while the Evil Queen had suggested they retire to her private quarters, Archie preferred planning military tactics.
A map of the Realm had been laid out on a table over which they were poured.
“Now you see,” he began. “The most populated part of the Realm with the biggest armies is at the centre.”
“So we target the remote areas first to gain some momentum while the army grows?” she nodded.
“No,” he wagged a finger at her. “We mobilize our army to head into the Kingdoms at the heart of the Realm. They will be taken by surprise!”
“But won’t we suffer heavy casualties?”
“Yes, but you expect that,” said Archie before producing a coin to toss. “Now for the Naval planning.”
The next morning, Archie took command of the army. He addressed them outside the Castle.
“Now everyone!” he stood on a podium with his arms behind his back, himself dressed in armour. “Our passage will be swift, to the centre of the Realm as we sweep aside all before us!”
“Sir!” spoke up one of the soldiers at the front of the two hundred or so amassed. “Would it not be better to patrol nearby Kingdoms that border us and build a power base thus securing our borders? If we move to the centre of the Realm, it is possible other Kingdoms could cut us off from our own and even counter attack this Castle?”
“Nonsense!” declared Archie. “We must commit ourselves to one big thrust to take out the centre of the Realm!”
“Like a good thrust to the centre do you?” the Evil Queen winked at him.
Archie and the Evil Queen’s entire army departed the Castle grounds to head East while she went inside.
In her private quarters she addressed the Mirror.
“Mirror, mirror…”
“Oh forget all the histrionics! You’ve got yourself into a right pickle now haven’t you!”
“What?”
“You’ve just allowed that complete idiot to march off with your whole army!” the sprite ranted. “Now while he is leading them into battle, how will you defend yourself? Other Kingdoms are bound to be alerted to your warlike intentions and come here.”
“I’ll have more gold by the day! I will use it to recruit more soldiers!” insisted the Evil Queen.
“How? You’ve already signed up most of the population of the Kingdom! You’ll need to bring them in from elsewhere which will take weeks.”
“It will be fine! The gold will ensure we are fine!”
“That’s another problem,” the Mirror chuckled to herself. “The Golden Goose is refusing to lay eggs.”
“It’s what?!”
“Yes, so your precious metal production has ground to a halt!”
Half an hour later the Evil Queen spoke with the Golden Goose in the Castle grounds.
“What is it with you not laying golden eggs?” she remonstrated with the bird. “You will ruin my plans!”
“That’s just it,” the bird replied frostily. “I object to what you are doing with the gold. You are spending it on warfare. Not to defend yourself but for tyranny. I do not approve and therefore will be withholding all egg laying from now on.”
“Then I will have you plucked! That will give me plenty of gold for the time being.”
“Fine,” the Goose retorted. “If you want to egghibit such cruel behaviour, that is up to you!”
To be continued with ‘Prince Charming & The Dirty Shepherdess’
Athon 