Morale was low as the Prince, Percy and Archie travelled away from the events in the town of the Tin Soldier and the now deceased Paper Ballerina.
“I mean why?” the Prince elbowed Archie. “At no point did it cross your tiny mind that using the Paper Ballerina to get the fire going was absolutely the wrong thing to do? We were meant to be helping her and the Tin Soldier, not burning her alive?”
“I just got flustered I guess?” Archie stammered.
“That was a new low,” sighed the Prince. “You chucking the Paper Ballerina on the fire. What were her last words?”
“Get your hands off my bum.”
“Profound,” the Prince sighed again. “Anyway Percy, what next?”
“Well sire, I am wondering if Archie’s latest act of stupidity should mean we go back to the Palace for a substitution?”
“Now come on! I am just rusty!” complained Archie.
“We do sire,” Percy continued. “Have the Genie and Red Riding Hood at our disposal. Highly skilled and effective people to have should we go on another mission?”
“Give me one more chance!” pleaded Archie.
“Percy is right, we probably should bring in someone who is an expert.”
“No!” he was indignant. “I really want to prove something!”
“Prove what?”
“Just recently,” his voice wavered. “I have been feeling like I am directionless…like people see me as unreliable?”
“Funny that.”
“Just occasionally, I get the sense that people don’t take me seriously. As if I am not trustworthy or lack credibility.”
“How long have you felt this way? Several years?”
“Oh no!” laughed Archie. “A few days.”
“Good to see you have your finger on the pulse,” remarked Percy.
“I want to prove myself!” he was indignant.
“I tell you what Archie,” began Percy. “Before we left the Palace, the Ugly Duckling told me an interesting story about a problem brewing in a Kingdom near here. The case of the Golden Goose.”
“The Golden Goose?” the Prince’s ears pricked up. “Now surely this could be straightforward?”
“Could it?” frowned Archie.
“Yes! Every time we get involved in anything, we are embroiled in dodgy stuff! The last time I checked, geese were fairly straightforward birds.”
“Well, from what the Ugly Duckling told me,” explained Percy. “There should not be anything dangerous or depraved about this case. Apparently the Golden Goose has golden feathers and can lay golden eggs. Problem being that certain characters have turned up clearly coveting her for themselves. It’s causing rather a lot of civic disorder and disputes.”
“Let’s see what we can do!” declared the Prince. “Take us there!”
Percy rode for several hours until they reached the relevant town which was quite small with very few people outdoors. They approached the town square where there were a few people gathered, milling about near the Church.
The Prince asked after the Golden Goose.
“You will find him with the Simpleton,” one woman explained.
“But he’s with us?” the Prince indicated Archie.
“No, Simpleton, he’s lived here since he was a boy!” she insisted. “He’s the one with the Golden Goose!”
“Is that his actual name? Simpleton?”
“Yes! And he lives up to his name!”
“Oh, bit slow on the uptake is he?”
“Oh yes.”
“What a coincidence with a name like that.”
“Sets up a nature or nurture debate sire,” Percy said.
“Anyway,” the woman addressed the Prince. “Who are you?”
“Prince Charming,” he bowed.
“As does that too sire.”
“Why are you here?” the woman inquired.
“To find out what is going on with the Golden Goose.”
“Oh not another one!” she complained.
“What?”
“We’ve had loads of people coming here wanting to find their fortune by taking the Goose’s golden eggs or feathers! It’s created havoc!”
“What?” the Prince frowned. “Are the eggs real gold?”
“Oh yes!” she replied. “Glittering, solid gold! The most valuable precious metal in the Kingdom! People heard about the goose and started coming here in their hundreds. We’ve had all sorts! The worst is this woman who, ironically, is called Goldilocks!”
“Goldilocks!” gasped the Prince. “What’s she been up to?”
“She turned up a few days ago and just won’t leave poor old Simpleton alone. She’s a wrong ‘un and no mistake! Bleeding gold digger if you ask me!”
The woman moved away leaving them to discuss the matter amongst themselves.
“What went wrong with Goldilocks?” the Prince sighed. “I thought we’d persuaded her to go on the straight and narrow!”
“Maybe she never made it to Rapunzel?” Percy wondered. “But, the thought occurs sire, if Goldilocks is here and people are coming from all over the Realm to try plundering gold from the Goose, what other wretched characters might be here? The scourge of the Realm could well be here in some gold prospecting capacity.”
“Yes, I suppose,” nodded the Prince. “I mean, a Goose laying golden eggs must be worth a fortune and I am assuming it lays one a day.”
“Maybe we could make use of it?” spoke up Archie to get dirty looks from the other two. “Well come on! The Palace could do with some renovations! It’s been in disrepair for a few years now. The moat needs trawling, the main court room could do with a makeover and the dungeon needs a lick of paint.”
“Archie!” cried the Prince. “We can’t just take advantage of the Golden Goose and profit by it. How would that look?”
“I was just saying that’s all!”
They continued to walk through the town until they reached the main walkway at the heart of the place. A crowd obstructed their progress, on the other side of which there was some commotion. The Prince dismounted Percy to slip through the throng towards where the action was.
After getting past about a hundred people, he reached the front where a large, ungainly man stood next to a goose. It was now dusk so that darkness was descending yet the Golden Goose lit the place up. An amber light radiated from its feathers, beak and feet. Half the crowd seemed to be in awe of the sight while the others were yelling at Simpleton who looked stressed.
“Now come on Simpleton!” one man cried. “You owe it to the town of your birth to share your wealth with us!”
“I’m not allowed to share the swan thing!” he said before slipping his thumb in his mouth.
“Go on!” another local joined in. “Just a few feathers every couple of days!”
“Or an egg once a day?”
“Excuse me!” suddenly appearing between the goose and the thumb sucking Simpleton was a figure that the Prince instantly recognised. “I am protecting Simpleton and his assets…”
“His what?”
“His estate!” Goldilocks told them before continuing. “And we will not be sharing the goose with others until we have reviewed Simpleton’s position.”
“If you are protecting Simpleton’s assets while reviewing his position, maybe you should get him to stand with his back to the wall!”
The crowd laughed and clapped.
The Prince noticed that Simpleton had a gooey expression on his face as he regarded Goldilocks.
“Just a few feathers!” insisted someone else in the crowd. “For us to melt down and use?”
“Not for the moment!” Goldilocks shook her head firmly.
There was a hum of disappointment amongst those gathered so that they started to ebb away from the place. The Prince remained however so that he soon made eye contact with Goldilocks.
“Prince Charming?” Goldilocks suddenly went red. “What are you doing here?”
“More importantly, what are you doing here? Didn’t you find Rapunzel like I suggested?”
“No…” she replied sheepishly.
“Who is this?” Simpleton asked her with his eyebrows knitted.
“Prince Charming…” she seemed agitated.
“Prince Charming?” Simpleton scoffed. “What kind of stupid name is that?”
“Ironic,” Percy said as he joined the Prince.
“Did that horse just talk?” Simpleton was dumbfounded. “Horses don’t talk!”
“Why not?” came a voice from the vicinity of the Goose. “I can!”
“I told you to be quiet!” Goldilocks turned on the Goose angrily. “You talking will only cause more trouble!”
“I reckon this suddenly got more complicated than we anticipated sire.”
“Yes,” the Prince had his hands on his hips as he stared with disapproval at Goldilocks. “Nonetheless, I thought you had turned over a new leaf?”
“I have, I have!” she replied earnestly.
“Really? So what are you doing here? Taking advantage of this idiot?” the Prince waved a hand at Simpleton.
“Not at all, anyway, he’s not an idiot!”
“What’s an idiot? Is that a good thing?” gawped the owner of the Golden Goose.
“We’ll talk about it later,” she urged Simpleton.
“It just seems a little suspicious,” began Percy. “That we get here to find a Golden Goose being coveted by many, supposedly under the control of this fellow while you are now in the picture posing as what? His agent?”
“I am just ensuring he is not exploited,” shrugged Goldilocks.
Suddenly they were joined by Archie who had immediately noticed there was a female in the group.
“Au revoir mon Cheri,” he seized her hand and kissed it. “Je pensais que l’odeur n’était que les drains?”
“Smooth,” remarked Percy.
“Who is this?” Goldilocks asked.
“Lord Archibald,” explained the Prince.
“A lord?” her eyes shone.
“Yes,” nodded the Prince before snorting to himself.
“Je suis une dame, vous pourriez être mon seigneur?”
“What’s he saying?” the Prince asked Percy.
“I wouldn’t concern yourself sire.”
“So why did you feel the need to represent it?” the Prince asked Goldilocks. “Who else has their beady eyes on the Golden Goose?”
“The Widow Twankey,” she responded.
“Oh, is it her inheritance?” Percy asked.
“No!” Goldilocks refuted the notion. “Not at all! But she’s an interfering woman who keeps trying to get her hands on the Golden Goose!”
“How did the Golden Goose come into being?” asked the Prince.
“I am here you know!” the Goose spoke up.
“Well, I was in the forest,” began Simpleton. “And I met this old man. He admired how tall and strong I was and he said I was handsome. Nobody ever calls me handsome you see. My brothers get all the attention. Not me. So I did him a favour in the undergrowth of the forest and he gave me this big egg which I took back home afterwards.”
“What favour did you do for him?” asked the Prince.
“He told me to keep it a secret.”
“I see.”
“When I got home, the egg hatched and out came this swan thing!”
“I was a Golden Gosling actually,” the Golden Goose told them. “He always gets that part wrong.”
“Then it developed these gold feathers and began laying eggs that were gold.”
“That was when the trouble began!” the Golden Goose explained. “This twit took me to market, to sell me! He was about to exchange me for some so-called magic beans when I stopped him. I told him not to be so silly as no amount of money or magic beans would be a worthy exchange for a goose covered in gold and laying eggs of gold! Unfortunately, people gathered at the market became fixated on me so that the whole town was talking within days.”
“What a peculiar story,” said the Prince. “Quite a spectacular reward for doing an old man a favour in the bushes.”
“Just my civic duty,” shrugged Simpleton.
“I wouldn’t make a habit of it.”
“I was travelling through the Kingdom,” said Goldilocks casually. “When I noticed all the fuss, I felt sorry for Simpleton and offered him my services as a broker. I wanted to ensure he was not ripped off in any way.”
“How benevolent of you,” the Prince fixed her with a hard stare.
“An agent?” checked Archie smugly.
“Yes,” nodded Goldilocks.
“Vous êtes un agent d’excitation…”
“Honestly Archie!” protested the Prince. “What’s the point of speaking French to women when nobody else but Percy understands a word you are on about?”
“Okay…” Archie said before leering at Goldilocks. “So sweet cheeks, how did you come by your charming name?”
“How do you think?”
Archie looked blank.
“The hair!”
“Oh yeah,” Archie sighed.
“How is it?” wondered the Prince. “In the company of Simpleton, you’re managing to make him look smart by comparison?”
“Although,” continued Archie. “Are you a real blonde?”
“Of course I am!”
“Maybe I will find out for sure!” he wagged his eyebrows up and down.
An awkward pause followed.
“Anyway, moving swiftly on,” the Prince finally broke the silence. “What’s the problem with this Widow Twankey?”
“She keeps trying to seduce him,” said Goldilocks.
“Simpleton?”
“Yes! The big tart! I know she will use him to get the Golden Goose for herself!”
“I don’t like that woman,” said the Goose. “She gives me the creeps.”
“Why?” asked the Prince.
“You will see!”
The Prince, Archie and Percy spent the night in an Inn where they discussed the situation in the barn before dinner.
“Do you trust Goldilocks?” the Prince asked Percy.
“I’m not sure sire. It seems like a big coincidence to me. From what I can see, Simpleton is not the sharpest knife in the drawer and has come by the Golden Goose in extraordinary circumstances. As a consequence, he is vulnerable to a whole load of charlatans and robbers.”
“But how do we resolve the situation?”
“Well sire, the locals mostly seem to be law abiding so I don’t think they will do anything underhand. But we must beware Goldilocks and this Widow Twankey woman. I think we should seek out the latter tomorrow.”
Archie and the Prince enjoyed stew and red wine in the restaurant of the Inn later that evening.
“So you’ve met Goldilocks before?” said Archie.
“Oh yes,” nodded the Prince before taking a sip of wine. “She was a professional thief and fraudster. I had hoped we’d managed to get her on the right path but now I am not so sure.”
“Does she have a sexual perversion like all the others you encounter in the realm?”
“Not that I am aware of.”
“Shame.”
“I thought you liked Red Riding Hood?” the Prince drank more wine with an amused expression.
“No, she was too complicated,” Archie waved the idea away.
“And fell for the Frog Prince?”
“No, she was on the rebound from me, clearly!”
“Right…”
“But this Goldilocks woman, she’s a bit of me!”
The next day the Prince, Percy and Archie headed away from the Inn to try tracking down Widow Twankey. It meant another encounter with Simpleton, Goldilocks and the Golden Goose.
“Hello Goldilocks,” Archie smiled at her as they met on the threshold to Simpleton’s house. “I dreamt about you last night.”
“Sinister.”
They were pointed in the direction of the cottage where Widow Twankey was residing, only five minutes walk away.
“We must be sensitive here,” said the Prince. “She’s a widow after all. She could potentially still be grieving. Maybe she feels like she has a legitimate claim on the Golden Goose?”
They knocked on the door of the relevant residence. It opened within a few seconds to reveal a rather butch looking woman in a brightly coloured patchwork dress, wearing a lot of foundation, eye shadow and lipstick and an unconvincing dark brown wig.
“Ooh! Look at you!” she gave the Prince a sultry look.
“Are you Widow Twankey?” inquired the Prince.
“I am that!” she pouted. “What brings you here?”
“I’m Prince Charming.”
“Ooh! You’re more handsome than they say you are!” she cooed.
“You are a widow? Is that correct?”
“Yes ducky! Why do you ask?”
“No reason, just didn’t expect you to be so…well…chirpy?”
“Why’s that?” she raised an eyebrow caked in red eye shadow.
“You are a widow? Perhaps still grieving?”
“Oh sod that! He had a good innings! He died with a smile on his face, if you know what I mean?”
“Not sure I do…”
“He was as stiff as a board, right until the very end!”
“Did his passing hit you financially?” asked the Prince. “Hence you begging Simpleton for help using the Golden Goose?”
“Certainly not!” exclaimed the Widow. “I just happen to find Simpleton very attractive.”
“Oh do you?” wondered Percy. “Is it his dashing looks or his fierce intellect that you find appealing?”
“Simpleton might seem reserved and a little bit náive,” she explained. “But behind that apparent dull witted and irretrievable stupidity lies a sensitive soul who thinks deeply about things.”
“What do you think of Goldilocks?” Percy asked mischievously.
“That little slut?” the Widow became red faced which was difficult to make out under all the cosmetics. “She is clearly manipulating Simpleton! Taking advantage of the poor boy! I know her game. She comes marching into his life batting her eyelashes at him and undoing the top buttons of her blouse! Goldilocks?! Pah! Have you seen her roots?”
“Not yet!” grinned Archie.
The Prince, Percy and Archie walked away from Widow Twankey’s house in conversation.
“There’s something familiar about that Widow,” remarked Archie. “I mean, I’ve never met Widow Twankey before but I recognise her for some reason?”
“If I didn’t know better,” said the Prince. “I’d say the Widow was a man.”
“But is she just a greedy gold digger or is there something more sinister going on?” Percy wondered.
“Seems to me,” said the Prince. “We need to find a compromise here. Somehow persuade or pacify Twankey and Goldilocks to back off or accept a final settlement. If they continue to fight over Simpleton…well…let’s be honest, they’re fighting over the Golden Goose…if they continue to fight over it, the Goose might get hurt in some way which would be a dreadful shame.”
“I also think the Goose being in the hands of the Widow or Goldilocks,” said Percy. “Could be dangerous.”
“Dangerous!” cried Archie scornfully. “An old dame and a sexy little blonde? Dangerous?”
“And people wonder why the Realm has a feminist movement?” remarked Percy with a snort. “Anyway, we should be cautious about them nonetheless.”
“Percy is right,” nodded the Prince. “We don’t know this Widow or who her associates might be. Meanwhile Goldilocks is a wheeler dealer and if she hasn’t given up her criminal activities, we cannot trust her not to go and sell the Golden Goose on to somebody with dubious intentions. Imagine it! If the goose fell into the hands of someone evil or with warlike intentions, they could raise an almighty army to wreak havoc across the entire Realm.”
“Therefore sire, may I make a suggestion?” began Percy. “We need to find out the extent of the Goose’s value. I think we should talk to them in private, away from Simpleton and Goldilocks.”
“That bird doesn’t talk to anyone without me present!” Goldilocks was adamant.
“I tell you what,” said the Prince. “If you are worried we are going to abscond with it, let us talk in private indoors somewhere under lock and key if that makes you feel better? You can remain outside so we won’t be able to escape.”
“I am suspicious!”
“You are in a fine position to talk!” fired back the Prince. “Your presence here is still dubious given you were meant to be going straight? I will be interested to catch up with Rapunzel and find out if you even met her or tried meeting her.”
“Fine!” retorted Goldilocks. “You can speak in private with the Golden Goose. But no funny stuff, right? Don’t try plucking her feathers out to steal and melt down!”
Five minutes later, the Prince and the Golden Goose were locked inside the back room of Simpleton’s home as the others all remained outside.
“What did you want to ask me?” the Golden Goose sat on a pile of straw in the corner of the room.
“It is our understanding that geese live as long as twenty years,” nodded the Prince. “Which means you are extremely valuable. Especially as your feathers are made of gold and will grow back if they are plucked. However, we are a little confused about your eggs?”
“Yes?”
“Surely when you lay an egg, it would eventually hatch so another golden goose would exist?”
“Given time yes,” the creature nodded. “I would need to lay on it for longer. At the moment, all the eggs are being seized upon as solid gold and melted down immediately. If left for a while and kept warm, they would hatch.”
“I see,” the Prince was thoughtful. “Does Simpleton know this?”
“Of course he doesn’t! The man is a fool!”
“Goldilocks?”
“I doubt it, nobody has left me with an egg long enough for it to hatch.”
“So they don’t really comprehend your true value,” the Prince paced the room. “The problem is Goose, in the wrong hands, your unique gift could be put to devastating use. Ideally you should be a gift to the Realm whereby the gold is used for the poor and needy. But if you came under the control of one of the many villains we have in this Realm, it could be disastrous.”
“I think they’re all rather silly you know!” replied the Goose. “By using me to produce gold in such volumes, they are merely flooding the market with the stuff. Is it not valuable because of a scarcity of it? Very soon the price of gold will drop. It’s a soft metal so it’s only really any good for making jewellery. They’ll need to find another use for it to keep demand high. Nobody in the Kingdom seems to understand the basic laws of supply and demand. A surplus of a commodity means the value of it decreases and demand, likewise, falls. You need to keep the supply moderated so that the demand remains high and the value up.”
“Good point!” the Prince was impressed by the Goose’s economic analysis. “So perhaps pulling out your feathers should be banned?”
“Yes, that would reduce the amount of gold in the Realm and,” the Goose lowered her voice confidentially so that the Prince leaned in hoping to hear further gems of financial wisdom. “It really hurts!”
“Fair enough,” he nodded before standing up straight. “Yet I think we need to buy off Goldilocks and the Widow. They must understand they cannot have you or your gold in the long term but if we broker a deal so they receive a lump sum in exchange for leaving you and Simpleton alone permanently, you might get peace and quiet.”
“That sounds perfect,” smiled the Goose. “I would also be interested in putting my gold to good use in the way you outlined.”
“This discussion has been invaluable,” beamed the Prince.
That evening the Widow was summoned to join the Prince, the Golden Goose, Simpleton and Goldilocks in Simpleton’s dining room. It was decided that Archie should not be present given negotiations were hardly his strong point. Instead he was deployed in Simpleton’s kitchen to cook dinner.
“Can he cook sire?” Percy was rather taken aback.
“Simple stuff,” shrugged the Prince. “I’m not expecting much. Bread and cheese perhaps?”
On the contrary, Archie had decided to go shopping with a gargantuan feast in mind in the hope of impressing Goldilocks. He planned a four course meal of gazpacho soup, roast turkey with winter vegetables and a blackberry jus, tiramisu and a cheese board. The kitchen was a hive of activity.
“I wish he’d keep it down!” grimaced the Prince as they sat round the table while the sound of pots and pans being bashed about was deafening from the adjoining kitchen. “Anyway, we have gathered here this evening to deal with the current impasse concerning the Golden Goose.”
“The swan thing?” asked Simpleton.
“Yes, the swan thing. Now, we are aware that many covet the Goose because of the wealth it might bring them. However, this has led to an unsatisfactory situation whereby the Goose is being harassed on a daily basis and not put to the most appropriate or mutually beneficial use.”
“You can’t have her Prince!” Goldilocks cried.
“No, that is not even an option,” the Prince had in front of him a parchment which he pointed at. “It states here that, until such a day he decides differently, the Goose is the property of Simpleton. There must be no attempt to steal or improperly acquire or borrow the Goose by any party. Now…”
Suddenly the Prince was distracted. He was sat directly opposite Widow Twankey. He fixed her with a protracted stare before his face flickered with recognition.
“Ugly Sister!”
“What?” the Widow stammered.
“Bit rude,” said the Goose.
“That’s why Archie thought your face was familiar! Now I see it! You are one of the Ugly Sisters!”
“No, no,” the Widow shook her head abruptly.
“Hah!” the Prince leaned across and plucked at her hair so that it came clean off the Widow’s head.
The Prince waved a dark brown wig in the air. The Widow or Ugly Sister was horrified.
“Okay! Okay!” they shouted. “You are right! I pretended to be a widow! It was a new disguise in order to try getting the Golden Goose!”
“So you admit it?”
“Yes, yes!”
“You don’t find me attractive?” Simpleton asked her in surprise.
“Oh, of course I do!” the Ugly Sister said in a deep voice, dropping the higher pitched one they’d used for the Widow.
“Back to the negotiations,” said the Prince. “Which has become somewhat easier now. So, in exchange for leaving the Golden Goose in peace, Goldilocks and the Ugly Sister will be paid the sum of five gold feathers and one golden egg each!”
“Is that all?” protested the Ugly Sister.
“Yes,” agreed Goldilocks. “That’s not much of a pay off.”
“Ah well you see,” the Prince had a knowing look on his face. “Once this agreement is signed, plucking feathers from the Goose will be banned.”
“But why?”
“Goose, you explain.”
“If there’s no more plucking,” said the Goose. “There will be less gold in circulation. Therefore, the value of gold will remain high thus meaning your gold can be sold on for more money than if people continued to pluck feathers from me and eventually brought the value of gold down meaning you would get less money for your gold or possibly, be unable to sell it.”
Goldilocks and the Ugly Sister rested back in their chairs, both weighing up the proposition.
“I’ll take it,” said Goldilocks, deciding that, after years of burglary and fencing stolen items, accepting the settlement would secure her future. “Sounds fair to me.”
“Dinner is served!” Archie entered the room holding a tray containing several bowls of soup.
“This will be interesting!” the Prince looked down with absolutely no enthusiasm whatsoever at the contents in the bowl. “What is it?”
“Gazpacho!”
“Right,” the Prince put a spoonful to his lips. “Archie! Gazpacho is meant to be cold!”
“What?”
“Yes! It’s meant to be refreshing! This is basically just warm mixed vegetable soup!”
“Oh well, I tried.”
“Horrible tasting warm mixed vegetable soup. How much garlic have you put in this?”
“I burnt the onion so replaced it with more garlic,” the Chef proudly explained.
“Lovely,” the Prince pushed the bowl away to continue the talks. “So, Goldilocks accepts the offer. What about you Ugly Sister?”
“I wanted more,” she shrugged stubbornly.
“My soup?” Archie’s eyes lit up, seemingly not having noticed that the Ugly Sister’s disguise had been exposed.
“Definitely not,” the Ugly Sister handed him back the full bowl so that Archie departed the room in disappointment. “I was hoping to get the whole Goose.”
“Not a chance!” the Goose left their chair to waddle from the room.
“You must understand that it just isn’t possible nor fair,” the Prince was firm. “Anyway, what is it with you? You helped Archie and Sewage campaign to split up the Realm Union, now you are here disguising yourself in order to get your hands on the Golden Goose? Have you become a mercenary or a criminal?”
“No, I was carrying out my orders,” the Ugly Sister was cryptic.
“For who?”
“I cannot say,” the Ugly Sister was awkward before adding. “Okay, I will accept what you offer.”
The dining room began filling up with smoke, coming from the kitchen where the noisy commotion continued. The reason being that Archie had managed to burn the turkey to a crisp. Even in his limited capacity as a Chef, he knew it was ruined and inedible. A fat fire had resulted in chaos in the kitchen so that it was overwhelmed with thick black smoke.
Desperate to rescue the situation, he reached out across to the shopping bag he’d left on the floor containing another raw turkey which he seized and shoved in the oven before slamming the door. Grabbing a wet cloth, he opened the window and tried clearing the room of the smoke.
“What the heck is going on in there?” the Prince coughed as the smoke poured into the dining room.
The negotiation parchment was signed by all the relevant parties before being witnessed by the Prince who finally handed the golden feathers and eggs over to Goldilocks and the Ugly Sister.
Archie appeared in the dining room, apparently comforted that the fire and smoke had been suppressed. He poured celebratory goblets of wine for everyone prior to sitting down.
“So is it all sorted then?” he asked.
“Yes, negotiations concluded,” the Prince sighed with relief. “Where’s this dinner Archie? It had better be worth it after the woeful starter and all this noise and smoke!”
“It’s on the way,” he assured them with a long sip of the wine.
“I’d still be interested to know about why you came here?” the Prince shot a look of suspicion at the Ugly Sister. “And where your partner in crime is?”
“I took the pay off,” the Ugly Sister replied sheepishly. “Now leave me be.”
“I must go tend to the vegetables,” Archie arose, tightening the apron around his waist and marching into the kitchen.
The others carried on drinking wine for a while as Archie prepared the rest of the main course. Finally, after checking on the turkey in the oven, he was satisfied it was cooked and removed it. Ten minutes later, he plonked it along with several other bowls and plates on the dining room table.
“Let me carve,” the Prince picked up a sharp knife and long fork to arise and begin work on the roasted bird that lay at the end of the table. “I must say Archie, you appear to have done yourself proud here. This turkey looks well cooked and juicy! It will make up for the gazpacho debacle!”
The Prince popped the fork in the breast of the roasted bird prior to begin carving. He got about half way through when he looked puzzled. Continuing to carve, suddenly he gasped.
“Archie?”
“Yes?” asked the proud Chef.
“Have you roasted the Golden Goose alive?”
“No, why do you ask?”
“Because what I am carving is the charred remains of melted gold,” the Prince tossed the carving knife and fork over his shoulder to collapse in a chair. “Unbelievable.”
“No!” cried Simpleton. “It cannot be! Swan thing! Swan thing! Where are you?”
Strangely enough, the so-called ‘swan-thing’ didn’t respond because it was lying dead and roasted at the end of the table with Archie having mistaken the Golden Goose for a raw turkey in the smoke ridden kitchen.
The Ugly Sister arose after one last swig of their red wine. They appeared rather smug.
“Well, that was a lovely evening,” they retrieved their wig from the floor to place it on their head. “But I must depart.”
In a castle faraway, a woman stood in front of her mirror.
“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?”
“Oh get a life!” replied a ghostly face that stared back from the mirror. “You’ve never been fair. You look like an old boot. Not even the botox can help you. I’ve told you before, you can’t polish a turd!”
“Mirror!” the well dressed woman pointed at it. “Can you update me on the progress of the Ugly Sister?”
“Yes, yes, she has done somewhat better than we expected.”
Indeed, at that moment, the Ugly Sister was in a horse drawn carriage traveling across the Realm. In her possession were five gold feathers and two gold eggs no less. One of which she was at pains to keep warm.
Athon 