The Dwarf marched into the court where he found Archie beating his fist against the huge goldfish bowl which he had his craftsmen construct. It stood to the right of his throne, containing several gallons of water and, more importantly, the Mermaid. She was lying at the bottom of the bowl, her back to Archie.
“Good morning Sire,” the Dwarf stopped before the throne with a bow as Archie turned away from the bowl to slump in his throne.
“She’s an ignorant bitch!” the Prince Regent remarked of his betrothed.
“She’s not been the same since you took her from the moat.”
“She needs to learn that she’s my future wife!” snapped Archie.
“But Sire,” began the Dwarf. “I think you should end this strange infatuation you have with the Mermaid.”
“What are you talking about?” Archie glared at him.
“People are gossiping,” the Dwarf blushed.
“Yes?”
“They are saying the relationship is wrong…”
“In what way?” he scowled.
“Some people don’t agree with it…”
“What do you mean?”
“He means,” sighed the Sorcerer as he entered the court. “That they think you are a sexual deviant.”
“What?” raged Archie, leaping to his feet as his second advisor drew level with the Dwarf.
“They’ve been calling you ‘fish fingers’,” the Sorcerer continued in a matter of fact tone.
“Have they indeed?” Archie went purple. “I want all dissention punished with executions!”
“Oh come on sire!” the Sorcerer rolled his eyes. “The royal executioner is already booked up for the next six months!”
“How dare they cheek me?” cried Archie. “There’s no respect in this Kingdom!”
“Anyway sire,” the Sorcerer added. “Reports from the West say that a flock of Dragons has been spotted in the realm.”
“A flock?” frowned Archie.
“Yes and apparently they’re rather flamboyant. They keep stopping over villages for synchronised air displays and fire breathing.”
“Are you kidding me? Where are they heading?”
“I don’t know sire, but it’s all very strange wouldn’t you say?”
“Huh!” shrugged Archie. “I don’t care, I don’t remember any Dragons being mentioned in the prophecy, do you?”
“No sire,” admitted the Sorcerer. “I suppose not.”
“Speaking of which, have any of my agents reported back about finding Percy?”
Both the Dwarf and the Sorcerer shook their heads so that Archie glowered.
Prince Charming, Hilary and Percy held on tight as they rode on the back of the Dragon as he swooped down towards the Kingdom.
“I’m not sure about this,” grumbled Percy.
“I need to find out what exactly is going on,” replied the Prince. “There has obviously been some big misunderstanding.”
“Are you sure sire?” Percy asked, his voice coated in doubt. “Are you sure that Archie hasn’t just gone power mad?”
“Now come on Percy,” the Prince tutted. “I’ll bet that things have just got out of hand and Archie didn’t intend for any of this to happen. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was some evil mastermind behind all of this. They’ve probably influenced poor old Archie.”
“Poor old Archie can make his own decisions,” Percy argued prior to addressing Hilary. “Wouldn’t you say?”
“I didn’t notice any masterminds in the Palace,” commented Hilary. “Evil or otherwise.”
The Dragon slowed in speed as the Palace became visible on the horizon.
“Ah,” sighed the Prince with a half-smile at Percy. “Do you remember all the great times we had there?”
“Not particularly,” Percy firmly shook his head. “I always got whipped out of every room inside the Palace, was not allowed to speak and there were constant attempts on my life.”
“Apart from that?”
“Yes sire,” Percy answered sarcastically. “They really were the good old days.”
Down below the Palace guards panicked on seeing the Dragon and began preparing the cannons. The Prince Regent went up to the North tower with his advisors to watch the Dragon approaching.
“What is he doing?” Archie cried to the others.
“Circling the Palace and slowly lowering to the ground,” remarked the Dwarf.
“I can see he’s doing that!” raged Archie. “A great advisor you are! State the bleeding obvious why don’t you? I mean, why is he coming here?”
“He appears to have three passengers,” said the Sorcerer as the Dragon finally landed on the front lawn of the Palace as several cannon balls whistled past him. “And…no I must be wrong.”
“What?” Archie peered out of the window.
“Nothing sire,” the Sorcerer gave the Dwarf a worried glance before hurriedly exiting the North tower.
The boom of the cannons ceased as the Palace guards saw the Prince marching down the Dragon’s tail followed by Percy and Hilary. The drawbridge was immediately lowered as the Sorcerer came racing out to greet the guests. Seizing the Prince’s hand he invited the three of them inside.
“Your Majesty,” the Sorcerer bowed his head as he led the trio towards the Royal Court. “I am so glad you have decided to return. I presume this means you’ll be acquiring your birthright now?”
“Not quite,” the Prince shook his head. “I have come here to speak with the Prince Regent.”
“I see…”
That moment the aforementioned Prince Regent appeared from the shadows of the corridor with a menacing smile.
“I see do I?” he eyed them suspiciously. “A conspiracy eh?”
Five minutes later and the conversation continued in the dungeon through the iron bars of a cell as the Prince, Hilary and Percy stood inside. Archie, flanked by several guards, stood imperiously on the other side with his hands on his hips.
“Come on Archie!” the Prince tried appealing to his former manservant. “What are you playing at?”
“I’m sorry sire…” Archie began before checking himself. “Why on Earth am I calling you sire? I’m the Prince now!”
“Prince Regent!” the Prince corrected him. “In my absence!”
“Yes well, while you’ve been off making daisy chains in the Land of the Elves, I’ve been here at the business end. You’ll never know how hard a job this is! My subjects are a lazy, disreputable bunch of losers!”
“Archie,” the Prince frowned. “If the pressure is becoming too much, which I think it is, let me help you.”
“I’m sorry but you won’t be helping anyone,” retorted Archie. “You are on trial for treason.”
“Treason?” Percy cried. “Who has he committed it against? Himself?”
“Me!” the Prince Regent roared. “And will you stop talking? I’ve been telling you to shut up for eight episodes now and still you persist!”
“Seven actually,” pointed out Percy.
“What?”
“You’ve only been telling me to shut up for seven. You didn’t tell me to shut up in the last exciting part because we didn’t even see each other.”
Archie began counting in his head before using his fingers until he gave up.
“Anyway….the Prince is on a charge for treason for fraternizing with the likes of a talking horse and my one time turncoat of an assassin!”
“I’m not an assassin anymore,” announced Hilary.
“Clearly!” snapped Archie. “Well you can forget about having the final snip you freak!”
“I don’t care!” Hilary insisted indignantly. “I am who I am! I identify as a woman and that’s what matters! And I’m proud of that!”
“Yes, yes,” Archie laughed contemptuously. “Let’s see how proud you are when I have you put in the stocks!”
The cell was opened so that two of the guards hauled Hilary out before dragging him from the dungeon. The cell door was quickly locked.
“I’m proud of who I am!” Percy cried with a wink at the Prince.
“So am I!” the Prince added loudly.
The Dwarf marched into the court where he found Archie beating his fist against the huge goldfish bowl which he had his craftsmen construct. It stood to the right of his throne, containing several gallons of water and, more importantly, the Mermaid. She was lying at the bottom of the bowl, her back to Archie.
“Good morning Sire,” the Dwarf stopped before the throne with a bow as Archie turned away from the bowl to slump in his throne.
“She’s an ignorant bitch!” the Prince Regent remarked of his betrothed.
“She’s not been the same since you took her from the moat.”
“She needs to learn that she’s my future wife!” snapped Archie.
“But Sire,” began the Dwarf. “I think you should end this strange infatuation you have with the Mermaid.”
“What are you talking about?” Archie glared at him.
“People are gossiping,” the Dwarf blushed.
“Yes?”
“They are saying the relationship is wrong…”
“In what way?” he scowled.
“Some people don’t agree with it…”
“What do you mean?”
“He means,” sighed the Sorcerer as he entered the court. “That they think you are a sexual deviant.”
“What?” raged Archie, leaping to his feet as his second advisor drew level with the Dwarf.
“They’ve been calling you ‘fish fingers’,” the Sorcerer continued in a matter of fact tone.
“Have they indeed?” Archie went purple. “I want all dissention punished with executions!”
“Oh come on sire!” the Sorcerer rolled his eyes. “The royal executioner is already booked up for the next six months!”
“How dare they cheek me?” cried Archie. “There’s no respect in this Kingdom!”
“Anyway sire,” the Sorcerer added. “Reports from the West say that a flock of Dragons has been spotted in the realm.”
“A flock?” frowned Archie.
“Yes and apparently they’re rather flamboyant. They keep stopping over villages for synchronised air displays and fire breathing.”
“Are you kidding me? Where are they heading?”
“I don’t know sire, but it’s all very strange wouldn’t you say?”
“Huh!” shrugged Archie. “I don’t care, I don’t remember any Dragons being mentioned in the prophecy, do you?”
“No sire,” admitted the Sorcerer. “I suppose not.”
“Speaking of which, have any of my agents reported back about finding Percy?”
Both the Dwarf and the Sorcerer shook their heads so that Archie glowered.
Prince Charming, Hilary and Percy held on tight as they rode on the back of the Dragon as he swooped down towards the Kingdom.
“I’m not sure about this,” grumbled Percy.
“I need to find out what exactly is going on,” replied the Prince. “There has obviously been some big misunderstanding.”
“Are you sure sire?” Percy asked, his voice coated in doubt. “Are you sure that Archie hasn’t just gone power mad?”
“Now come on Percy,” the Prince tutted. “I’ll bet that things have just got out of hand and Archie didn’t intend for any of this to happen. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was some evil mastermind behind all of this. They’ve probably influenced poor old Archie.”
“Poor old Archie can make his own decisions,” Percy argued prior to addressing Hilary. “Wouldn’t you say?”
“I didn’t notice any masterminds in the Palace,” commented Hilary. “Evil or otherwise.”
The Dragon slowed in speed as the Palace became visible on the horizon.
“Ah,” sighed the Prince with a half-smile at Percy. “Do you remember all the great times we had there?”
“Not particularly,” Percy firmly shook his head. “I always got whipped out of every room inside the Palace, was not allowed to speak and there were constant attempts on my life.”
“Apart from that?”
“Yes sire,” Percy answered sarcastically. “They really were the good old days.”
Down below the Palace guards panicked on seeing the Dragon and began preparing the cannons. The Prince Regent went up to the North tower with his advisors to watch the Dragon approaching.
“What is he doing?” Archie cried to the others.
“Circling the Palace and slowly lowering to the ground,” remarked the Dwarf.
“I can see he’s doing that!” raged Archie. “A great advisor you are! State the bleeding obvious why don’t you? I mean, why is he coming here?”
“He appears to have three passengers,” said the Sorcerer as the Dragon finally landed on the front lawn of the Palace as several cannon balls whistled past him. “And…no I must be wrong.”
“What?” Archie peered out of the window.
“Nothing sire,” the Sorcerer gave the Dwarf a worried glance before hurriedly exiting the North tower.
The boom of the cannons ceased as the Palace guards saw the Prince marching down the Dragon’s tail followed by Percy and Hilary. The drawbridge was immediately lowered as the Sorcerer came racing out to greet the guests. Seizing the Prince’s hand he invited the three of them inside.
“Your Majesty,” the Sorcerer bowed his head as he led the trio towards the Royal Court. “I am so glad you have decided to return. I presume this means you’ll be acquiring your birthright now?”
“Not quite,” the Prince shook his head. “I have come here to speak with the Prince Regent.”
“I see…”
That moment the aforementioned Prince Regent appeared from the shadows of the corridor with a menacing smile.
“I see do I?” he eyed them suspiciously. “A conspiracy eh?”
Five minutes later and the conversation continued in the dungeon through the iron bars of a cell as the Prince, Hilary and Percy stood inside. Archie, flanked by several guards, stood imperiously on the other side with his hands on his hips.
“Come on Archie!” the Prince tried appealing to his former manservant. “What are you playing at?”
“I’m sorry sire…” Archie began before checking himself. “Why on Earth am I calling you sire? I’m the Prince now!”
“Prince Regent!” the Prince corrected him. “In my absence!”
“Yes well, while you’ve been off making daisy chains in the Land of the Elves, I’ve been here at the business end. You’ll never know how hard a job this is! My subjects are a lazy, disreputable bunch of losers!”
“Archie,” the Prince frowned. “If the pressure is becoming too much, which I think it is, let me help you.”
“I’m sorry but you won’t be helping anyone,” retorted Archie. “You are on trial for treason.”
“Treason?” Percy cried. “Who has he committed it against? Himself?”
“Me!” the Prince Regent roared. “And will you stop talking? I’ve been telling you to shut up for eight episodes now and still you persist!”
“Seven actually,” pointed out Percy.
“What?”
“You’ve only been telling me to shut up for seven. You didn’t tell me to shut up in the last exciting part because we didn’t even see each other.”
Archie began counting in his head before using his fingers until he gave up.
“Anyway….the Prince is on a charge for treason for fraternizing with the likes of a talking horse and my one time turncoat of an assassin!”
“I’m not an assassin anymore,” announced Hilary.
“Clearly!” snapped Archie. “Well you can forget about having the final snip you freak!”
“I don’t care!” Hilary insisted indignantly. “I am who I am! I identify as a woman and that’s what matters! And I’m proud of that!”
“Yes, yes,” Archie laughed contemptuously. “Let’s see how proud you are when I have you put in the stocks!”
The cell was opened so that two of the guards hauled Hilary out before dragging him from the dungeon. The cell door was quickly locked.
“I’m proud of who I am!” Percy cried with a wink at the Prince.
“So am I!” the Prince added loudly.
“Very proud!” said Percy with a lot of enthusiasm. “And I don’t care who knows it!”
“Oh right then!” Archie glared at them. “So you want the stocks as well do you?”
“Oh no! Not the stocks!” Percy said in a slightly sarcastic tone.
The cell was opened up once again and the guards led the pair of them out and up the stairwell from the dungeon.
“I think I made my point there!” Archie turned to the Dwarf with a smile before following.
Perplexed, the Dwarf turned to the Sorcerer.
“I know, I know,” the Sorcerer shook his head. “I think we should just stand
back and observe. It’s easier that way.”
Hilary had been dressed up as a damsel and was put in the stocks at the front of
the Palace. Archie’s guards began handing out rotten vegetables to the peasants who, with nothing else better to be getting on with, began pelting Hilary with them. Percy and the Prince were led out to the front of the Palace as the guards wheeled up two more pairs of stocks.
“Archie! How can you do this?” the Prince exclaimed as he was bent over, having his wrists and neck secured in the stocks.
“I thought you’d enjoy it,” remarked Archie.
“Sire?” one of the guards addressed Archie. “We don’t have anything that will fit Percy.”
“Percy?” exclaimed Archie. “Don’t give it a name! He’s just a horse! What do you mean you don’t have stocks to fit him?”
“We don’t usually put horses in the stocks,” he shrugged.
“Well it’s about time you did!”
“Nevertheless, they won’t fit him.”
As they debated the best way to humiliate Percy in public, the Dragon slowly crept up (as best a huge fire breathing beast can) behind them.
“He won’t be able to go on his knees,” explained the guard.
“Of course he will!” Archie, as if to demonstrate, lowered himself and bent over to rest his wrists and neck in the stocks. “See, he just needs to lean forward like so.”
The Dragon waved his left wing through the air thus shutting the stocks on Archie. He quickly snorted out a ball of flames so that the peasants and guards hurriedly retreated.
“Let them go!” the Dragon roared.
One of the guards raced forwards to undo the stocks thus releasing the Prince and Hilary who arose, both rubbing their necks.
“I’ll have you killed for this!” Archie yelled. “You and your gay little display team!”
“Get on!” the Dragon bowed down so that the Prince, Percy and Hilary could race up his tail and onto his back.
“Wait for me!” screamed the Dwarf who came sprinting forwards.
“Get me out of these things!” shouted Archie.
The Dragon flapped his wings and took to the air with his four passengers.
“But isn’t your wife pregnant?” the Prince raised an eyebrow at the Dwarf. “You might not be present when she gives birth!”
“Phew!” sighed the Dwarf. “Would you want to be around when it happens? Plus, she keeps telling me that she wants her sex life back after it all. I don’t want to be around for that!”
“Get me out of this thing!” whined Archie as his guards approached the stocks.
The peasants had begun throwing rotten tomatoes at him and were remarkably good shots.
“Stop that!” Archie complained. “You’re not meant to throw them at me!”
“You can’t waste good rotten vegetables,” one peasant told him as he raised a purple pumpkin in the air.
The Dragon flew South of the Kingdom as they all considered the best course of action.
“He’s got thousands of troops,” sighed the Dwarf. “And he’s annexed half of the realm. With every fort under his control and the people taxed to the hilt, he now owns a formidable army.”
“And you were his advisor?” the Prince eyed the Dwarf warily.
“I know, I know,” the Dwarf blushed. “We tried telling him but he became over zealous on the invading front. Each time he attacked and took control of a Kingdom we would tell him that was enough but he would insist on just one more.”
“He’s power mad,” added Percy. “Fancy sending an assassin to kill little old me?”
“That’s because of the prophecy,” explained the Dwarf. “I wasn’t present, but apparently a travelling soothsayer told him to beware the sound of thundering hooves. He responded by enlisting Hilary.”
“Well what now?” the Prince asked the other four.
“I say we raise an army,” suggested Percy. “To overthrow him.”
“Excellent idea!” the Prince cheered.
“That could work,” the Dwarf considered the proposal. “But we’ll need a very big army to overthrow him.”
“He’s upset enough people though hasn’t he?”
“I suppose,” a brainwave came to the Dwarf. “We could get the support of the Mermen. Archie, in his infinite stupidity, has taken their Princess prisoner. He insists on marrying her so he can have an heir.”
“But doesn’t he…” a puzzled Hilary stopped in mid-sentence.
The Dwarf shook his head.
“How do Mermaids do that anyway?” the Prince frowned. “How can they procreate?”
The others all shrugged with the exception of the Dragon as that would have
caused them all to slide off his back.
“To the sea, Dragon!” commanded the Prince.
The Prince Regent wasn’t in the best of moods as he wiped the rotten pumpkin and tomato from his face in his chamber.
“I want them hanged!” he told the Sorcerer who was otherwise distracted as he practised his magic. “Do you hear me?”
“Yes, yes,” the Sorcerer removed his hat and shoved his hand into it in the hope he might pull out a rabbit.
Rather disappointingly he produced a hamster.
“I can’t believe that the Dwarf buggered off!”
“I think he’s scared,” the hamster began nibbling the Sorcerer’s hand.
“Of me?”
“No, of what Princess Helena might produce. Just imagine it!”
“I thought you claimed that their offspring wouldn’t be ugly because your spells wouldn’t apply to them?”
“Magic is a funny old thing,” the Sorcerer shrugged. “There are no guarantees.”
“Well it doesn’t matter how freakishly ugly it is, it’ll fit in around here!”
The hamster gnawed on the Sorcerer’s thumb so that he cried out prior to dropping the little fuzz ball to the floor.
The Dragon flew over the coast, circling the Port where a mighty fortress stood. They all stared down to the shore where none of the Mermen or Mermaids were visible.
“Where is everybody?” cried the Prince.
“I reckon they’ve been imprisoned in the fortress,” commented the Dragon.
“That must be one large fish tank,” Percy remarked before turning to the right where he had spotted a ship on the crest of a wave. “Who are they?”
They all peered over at the vessel.
“By the looks of the skull and crossbones,” began the Dwarf. “It must be Pirates!”
“Now come on!” the Prince cried. “Don’t be silly. Who still goes in for pirating these days? Pirates are extinct.”
“They were under your father,” nodded the Dwarf. “But under Archie they’ve taken to raiding the boats belonging to him.”
“Maybe they can help us!” suggested Percy so that the Dragon descended towards the ship.
“This is a bad idea,” the Dwarf mumbled to the Prince. “The Pirates are a lawless, ruthless lot!”
The presence of the Dragon overhead didn’t invite much curiosity nor diplomacy from the Pirates. On the contrary, they began firing their cannons at him.
“Bloody hell Percy!” shrieked the Dragon as he narrowly avoided one cannon ball. “Why did you have to invent those flaming things?”
“I am rather proud of them actually,” Percy remarked as he manicured his hoof. “Although I haven’t seen any royalties. I knew I should have had them patented.”
“Yes,” grinned Hilary. “You made a balls up of that!”
The others all regarded him disdainfully.
“Sorry.”
“I wouldn’t give up assassinating people so soon if I were you,” said the Prince.
“I would!” Percy exclaimed. “I think he made a fantastic decision. Roll on the puns I say!”
The Dragon hovered over the Pirate ship as the Pirates all began climbing the mast to fire their pistols in his direction.
“What the heck are those things?” screamed the Dragon as a bullet went through his wing.
“I invented them after the cannon,” Percy casually explained. “I thought they would be really handy. You know, nice and compact?”
“To carry in one’s handbag?” suggested Hilary.
“Yes,” agreed Percy. “But I never thought they would take off.”
“They’re definitely taking off!” scowled the Dragon as several holes were shot through his wings before he took evasive action and breathed fire over the ship.
There was a cacophony of howls as several pirates ran about trying to put out the fire. Their Captain emerged from the hull of the ship, holding a bottle of rum. The Dragon landed on deck and they all piled off to confront the Captain who was staring down at his wooden leg which had caught fire.
“Allow me!” the Prince stepped forward and grabbed the bottle to pour the contents over the wooden leg.
Unsurprisingly, the Captain’s entire right side was engulfed in flames.
“Oops,” the Prince blushed.
The Captain sighed deeply prior to hobbling over to the plank that was pointed out over the edge of the ship. Springing up and down on it a few times, he finally plummeted off it and into the sea.
“You’ve definitely lost the diplomatic touch,” commented Percy to the Prince.
Ten minutes later the Captain was back on deck having had his wooden leg replaced for the old one had perished.
“So,” he clenched a smoking pipe between his teeth. “Let me get this straight? You are the heir to the throne and you want to overthrow the Regent?”
The Prince nodded.
“Well I’m happy to be of service,” the Captain nodded. “But you must understand that life at sea is hard. It’s not the comfy life you’re used to.”
“I realize that.”
“We’re all men’s men here!”
The crew all went quiet, turning to one another in frustration.
“Where the hell is Archie when you need him?” sighed the Prince.
“Yes,” agreed Percy. “No one here possesses the same degree of bigoted hatred.”
“What are you talking about?” the Captain spat out some tobacco.
“It’s all post modern,” explained Percy. “You’ll get used to it after a while.”
“You lot seem like a right bunch of freaks!”
“That’s us!” the Prince chuckled proudly. “Anyway, when my father was in charge of the Kingdom there were no pirates. What happened?”
“I was a merchant,” explained the Captain. “But then one day, when I was walking through a forest just North of the Kingdom, a cannon ball came out of nowhere and blew my leg off up to the knee.”
Percy reddened.
“Then,” stumpy continued. “My trade died away.”
“What were you trading?” asked the Prince.
“Bows and arrows.”
Percy turned away.
“So,” the Captain swigged some rum prior to continuing. “With my life ruined, I simply wanted to live quietly in the countryside but then the Prince Regent began rounding up people like me and I was outlawed. I ran away to sea so here I am!”
Percy tugged the Prince away to a discreet corner of the boat.
“Sire,” he blushed as he whispered. “I think we should be as nice possible to the Pirates!”
“Of course I’ll be nice,” responded the Prince. “What’s up with you?”
“Nothing, nothing,” Percy hurriedly shook his head before adding. “But can we ensure we don’t talk about any of our previous adventures in front of their Captain?”
“But why Percy?”
“Well, you know sire, one doesn’t like to brag…”
“So how are we going to explain our current predicament?” frowned the Prince.
“Let me do it sire,” Percy went back to the Captain and his crew. “So then chaps, to cut a long story short, we have ended up here and must overthrow the Prince Regent. Firstly we must rule the waves and free the Mermen from the fort.”
“What’s in it for us?” the Captain craftily inquired.
“You’ll be richly rewarded once we have taken control of the Kingdom,” insisted the Prince.
“As long as Archie hasn’t spent all your money…” Percy had developed the nasty habit of saying things best left unsaid.
“Of course he hasn’t!” the Prince replied with a hollow laugh before kicking Percy in the shins.
“I don’t know sire,” the Dwarf sighed ruefully. “He has spent an awful lot on this war.”
The Captain regarded the Prince dubiously.
“It’s not all about the money, surely?” the Prince reddened.
“Yes, it is actually!” said the Captain over several cries of agreement from his crew.
“There are other things we can offer,” Percy started. “There are plenty of saucy wenches just waiting for real men to come along!”
“Now you’re talking!” the Captain cried as several of his men licked their lips. “It’s a long time since we clapped eyes on a fair maid!”
At that moment they all turned to regard Hilary who was still wearing the damsel’s gown.
“Why are you still wearing that thing?” Percy asked him.
“I like it,” grinned Hilary. “Anybody got any rouge?”
The Pirates all began grunting to themselves and a few ‘phwoars’ could be heard.
“Eh Captain,” began the Prince. “She’s a he.”
“Oh come on your highness, just because she’s let herself go a little there’s no need to be rude.”
“I’ve not let myself go!” protested Hilary.
“Look at all her…I mean his stubble!” the Prince pointed at Hilary.
“So?” one of the Pirates shrugged. “She probably doesn’t wax down below either but I like that.”
“I’m a man!” Hilary cried.
There were some disappointed sounds whereas a few of the Pirates discussed it amongst themselves and were still game.
“Ah well,” Percy began. “We know plenty of ladies!”
“Have you got pictures of them?” the Captain was overcome with excitement.
The Prince shook his head as the Captain indicated the locket that the Dwarf kept on a gold chain around his neck.
“What’s in there?” the Captain asked.
“Just a portrait of my wife,” blushed the Dwarf as he opened the locket and took out a thumb sized portrait of Princess Helena which he gave to the Captain.
The Captain and his sex starved crew all crowded around to study the picture.
Perhaps they were all overcome with sea sickness. Maybe they’d over indulged the rum too much. But at that exact moment the loud sound of retching could be heard as vomit splashed off the wooden surface of the deck.
The Prince held his nose as the ship’s mate began walking the plank and leapt off into the sea with an almighty splash. The Dwarf took back the picture and replaced it in the locket which he shut fast with an apologetic glance to the others.
“Do they all look like that?” the Captain coughed as he wiped the sick away from his beard.
“No, no,” the Prince shook his head. “She’s a special case.”
“That’s a relief! We might be desperate but we’re not crazy!”
Despite the Dwarf nearly putting the Pirates off helping them completely, the Captain agreed that they would sail towards the fort on the coast.
The Prince Regent sat on his throne as the updates from his messengers came flying in to the court.
“Sire!” announced the first. “Word comes from the West that there has been a full scale uprising! Rapunzel is leading an army against your forces.”
“The long haired slut!” cried Archie as the messenger raced away to be replaced by another.
“Sire! The Babes in the Wood have attacked several of your sentinels in the Great Forest. There is talk of them rounding up an army to march on the fortress.”
“Those bastard delinquents!”
“Sire!” the third messenger arrived. “Prince Charming has united with the Pirates to sail towards your coastal stronghold!”
“What?” raged Archie before he kicked the messenger through the air so that he landed on his back on the floor.
“I told you those Pirates would be trouble,” hummed the Sorcerer from the corner of the room where he was sitting in an armchair and stroking the hamster. “And you’ve spread yourself too thin. They’re coming at you from all angles now. I don’t know how you’re going to worm your way out of this one. Those Babes are vicious little sods.”
“Where are my armies now?” Archie demanded.
“All over the realm!” cried the Sorcerer rolling his eyes. “You’re not exactly Mr Popular so we have legions fighting on every front.”
“What about the Royal Navy?”
“What Royal Navy?”
“I assumed we had one?”
“We never needed one.”
“So how will we defend ourselves if they attack from the sea?”
“I’m not sure sire,” shrugged the Sorcerer as he stroked the hamster under the chin.
“I can raise a crew to go and stop them,” Vasterbalk suddenly spoke up from the shadows where he was busy gnawing on a bone.
“That sounds like a good idea!” Archie turned to him with a smile. “Yes, you go and end this farce!”
“Yes master!” Vasterbalk arose, picking out bits of human flesh from between his teeth. “I shall capture them.”
“No!” Archie argued. “Just kill them.”
“But I must take them prisoner,” there was a sinister glint in Vasterbalk’s eye.
“It’s very nice that you’re being humane,” Archie began. “But don’t ponce about imprisoning them, just execute them!”
“But I want to interrogate them first…”
“For what? We all know they’re guilty. Just execute them.”
“Why are you so keen to interrogate them?” spoke up the Sorcerer.
“I just need a little time alone with them,” explained Vasterbalk.
“What for?”
Now if any young children are reading, may I ask you to leave the room for a few paragraphs? Plus, if you are concerned about hygiene, you might want to overt your eyes as well.
“I…” Vasterbalk couldn’t help but smile as he made the shocking revelation. “I like to have them urinate on me.”
Archie, the Sorcerer and even the hamster exchanged surprised looks.
“You what?” Archie exclaimed, hoping he had misheard his henchman.
“I get them to urinate on me,” Vasterbalk announced in a matter of fact way.
“What?” screamed an incandescent Prince Regent.
“I lie down beneath them and…”
“I don’t want to hear anymore!” Archie covered his ears. “Honestly! What ever happened to normality? Why does everyone around here have to have depraved and warped sexual habits!”
“I don’t sire,” the Sorcerer patted the hamster.
“You and I are the only ones left,” Archie rolled his eyes before turning to Vasterbalk with a weary air. “Right, anyway, you just round up the rebels, do whatever disgusting
things you want with them and let’s ensure the uprisings are crushed.”
Vasterbalk immediately left the court as Archie sighed.
“What’s wrong sire?” the Sorcerer asked.
“I don’t know,” he slumped back on his throne. “Why does everything have to be so complicated? It’s all that horse’s fault!”
The fort was on the horizon as the Pirate ship approached it. The crew prepared to fire their cannons as the Prince, the Dwarf, the Dragon, Hilary and Percy waited in anticipation.
“If we can destroy the Southern wall of the fort, the Mermen can escape,” explained the Captain as he swigged some rum. “They can get back into the water and then we might use the river to head Northwards.”
Boom!
A plume of smoke was left in the wake of the cannon ball as it shot across the water and into the side of the fort so that a mighty explosion followed. The soldiers in the fort tried firing back but were in chaos as the Pirate ship got closer to land.
Shortly however they managed to compose themselves and their rifles became
visible in the Southern tower of the fort so that bullets rained down on the ship.
“They’ll pick us off like this!” hollered the Captain as the sails of the ship were peppered with bullets. “We’re sitting ducks!”
“Yes,” nodded Percy. “What we need is a distraction. Something to draw their fire.”
The Dragon nodded before noticing that everyone was staring at him.
“What?” he paled.
“You can fly over them so they are distracted and we can down anchor safely.”
“But I’ve already taken a few shots,” whined the Dragon indicating the holes in his wings. “I’ll be Swiss cheese if this carries on!”
“Just avoid the bullets and cannon balls,” Percy shrugged. “It’ll be fine!”
An unimpressed Dragon took to the air and reluctantly headed for the fort where he instantly became a target for the soldiers. Ducking and diving away from the bullets, the Dragon breathed fire on his foe so that they retreated. Meanwhile the Captain ordered the sails of the ship to be lowered as his mate prepared to drop the anchor.
The Mermen were visible amongst the rubble of the wrecked wall. They were pouring out of the fort and diving into the sea.
“Come on you land lubbers!” cried the Captain as he hobbled down the gang plank and towards the fort.
The other Pirates all followed, waving about their cutlasses as they noisily raced towards the fort.
Within ten minutes all the Mermen and Mermaids had been freed from the fort. They congregated in the sea as the Pirates took the soldiers prisoner, tying them up and securing them in the fort.
There was a lot of disappointment as the Pirates couldn’t find any women in the fort.
“Where are all these women?” complained the Captain to the Prince as the Dragon landed by them, his wings sporting a new set of bullet holes. “I thought you said there would be lots of women! My men have a lot of chat up lines they’ve been working on.”
“There could be a lot of women in the realm thankful they weren’t here?” replied the Prince.
“My men have been away at sea a long time!”
“Captain,” the Prince frowned. “I wish you wouldn’t keeping saying things like that. It’s a bit sinister.”
The men were rounded up to go back on board. The ship was taken towards the mouth of the river that headed North so that it was sailed upstream. The King of the Sea Kingdom swam alongside it.
“Thanks for rescuing us!” he cried to the Prince with a wave of his trident in the air.
“You’re very welcome,” nodded the Prince.
“Hang on!” protested the Captain, hobbling over to regard the King below. “Why are you thanking him? It was us who did all the work!”
“It was a team effort,” the Prince smiled.
“Tell me about it!” groaned the Dragon as he landed on the boat.
“Thanks to all of you!” cried the King. “We shall help you attack the Prince Regent and get back my daughter!”
With that he dived underwater with a loud plop.
“Shiver me timbers!” the Captain lit his pipe. “So he’s going to help us rescue his own daughter? That’s mighty generous of him.”
“Just think of all the women!” the Prince tried appealing to the Captain.
“My crew can’t wait!” the Captain puffed on his pipe.
“I am really starting to feel like a Pimp,” the Prince sighed to Percy. “This isn’t a good look for a future Monarch.”
The Prince Regent sat on his throne as the Sorcerer approached him with a wary air about him.
“What is it?” Archie eyed him suspiciously.
“Word from the South is that your fort has been stormed and all the Mermen have been freed.”
Archie scowled.
“They’re heading up the river,” continued the Sorcerer. “They’ve been assisted by the Pirates.”
“Fine,” Archie shook his head. “Send an army to intercept them. The Mermen are a weak lot. It should be simple to suppress them.”
“Okay sire,” the Sorcerer nodded.
“Where is Vasterbalk at the moment?”
“He is in the West. He has gone to capture the Babes in the Wood…”
“Capture them?”
“Yes,” the Sorcerer nodded. “So he can interrogate them.”
“I want him to go to the river and stop the Pirates and Mermen!”
“I will send word,” the Sorcerer was relieved given the public relations nightmare they were going to avoid.
“What other updates do you have?”
“Well,” the Sorcerer suddenly seemed rather more troubled. “I have some bad news sire.”
“Spit it out!”
“Princess Helena has gone into labour.”
“Ugh!”
“And she wants you to attend.”
“What the…?”
“With the Dwarf away, she feels she needs the moral support.”
“I’ll go to her chamber and wish her the best.”
“No sire,” gulped the Sorcerer. “That might not be enough. She wants you to be there.”
“No way!”
“In fact, she has mentioned you delivering the baby.”
Archie went extremely pale at the news.
“Little old me? Facing that?”
“Yes, sire.”
“What about the mid wife?”
“She’s been sent to battle,” nodded the Sorcerer.
“Why?”
“We need everyone to fight!”
“Get her back here!” Archie wagged his finger at him. “There’s no way I’m going near that thing!”
The ship sailed upstream as the Mermen and Mermaids swam alongside. They had travelled through the night without being met by any of Archie’s battalions.
Percy was hard at work devising a new weapon for the Sea People because, as many had pointed out, their tridents weren’t much use against cannons and pistols. He had gone below deck to the Captain’s quarters to work out the design whilst the others all remained up top.
“The boys can’t wait until we overthrow the Prince Regent,” grinned the Captain. “And they can get their filthy hands on some women!”
“And you Captain,” added the Prince.
“No, not me,” sighed the Captain. “I didn’t tell you that, when my leg was knocked off, I was also injured somewhere else.”
“Oh no,” the Dwarf shook his head sadly. “Post traumatic stress disorder?”
“Not quite.”
“Come on, you can tell me. I have some mental barriers when it comes to sex.”
“I can understand why,” agreed the Captain. “But suffice to say, my leg isn’t the only part of me with a wooden replacement.”
At that moment Percy ascended from the lower deck with a long, thin device between his teeth. The Prince took it from him.
“I just knocked out a little something,” Percy smiled as the Prince tossed the weapon over the side to the King of the Sea People who caught it. “Just pull the trigger!”
The King of the Sea People obliged so that a harpoon dart shot out from the gun and skewered the Dragon through his right wing.
“Excellent!” the King cried with a punch in the air.
“Well done Percy!” the Prince slapped his horse on the back.
“Are you taking the piss?” the Dragon glared at them as he picked out the dart from his wing.
“Jolly good,” remarked Percy. “I’ve got about a hundred more of those out the back. The Mermen can use them to attack the troops.”
“Sire,” the Sorcerer couldn’t even bring himself to look at the Prince Regent
as he stood before him in the court.
“What?” frowned Archie.
“I’m afraid Prince Helena’s mid wife has been killed in battle.”
Archie was crestfallen.
“Shall I fetch you a smock sire?”
“Can’t you tell her I’m dead or something?”
“Unfortunately not sire,” the Sorcerer shook his head sadly. “If that got out there would be jubilation in the Kingdom.”
“Jubilation?”
“I mean grief.”
Agonized cries echoed about around the Palace so that the pair of them shuddered. Even the Mermaid in her bowl of water looked up in surprise at hearing the sound.
“Okay fine,” Archie arose after quaffing back a goblet of red wine. “If it stops that dreadful noise, I’ll go.”
The Sorcerer stood outside the bedroom of Princess Helena as her screaming became louder and louder. Finally, it stopped. The doors opened and a shaky, pale faced Archie emerged.
“It’s a boy,” he announced before sinking to the floor.
“Excellent!” the Sorcerer cried.
“I bet it’s the first time that the after birth has been more attractive than the
baby.”
To be continued with ‘Prince Charming & The Babes in the Wood’.
Athon 