Prince Charming & The Weaver

The reader might be aware that the Evil Queen had waged war on the Realm. Her army had invaded several other Kingdoms but faced stiff resistance from Prince Charming and his allies. Indeed, the progress of her army had been halted in the Kingdom of the Emperor, a spoilt layabout interested mainly in his wardrobe and prone to exposing himself in public. Not that he had anything to do with the resistance other than confusing the General of the Evil Queen’s forces with his absurd behaviour. Yet he had been the victim of a scam by a man posing as a Weaver. The Emperor had been taken in by the assertions of the Weaver that he was working on a fabulous new outfit which was actually non-existent. The Emperor got a nasty shock when he revealed this set of clothes in public. Nonetheless, the Weaver managed to compound his efforts by persuading the Emperor that it had all been a big misunderstanding and was now working on another set of garments for him, much to the chagrin of his Chief Courtier.
Still following this nonsense?
Whatever.
While all this was going on, the Prince and Percy were riding to the Evil Queen’s castle to start negotiations with her. A ceasefire had been declared so hostilities were on hold. The Prince and Percy had the worthy and noble intention of brokering peace. However, the Evil Queen had something rather more sinister in mind.
“To sum up,” said her Mirror in the royal court. “You are planning on marrying a horse?”
“Yes,” she said with enthusiasm.
“Have you been on the valium again?”
“No!” she said defensively.
“Or viagra?”
“What?”
“Nothing, nothing…so do you think the horse will accept your proposal?”
“I am really not sure,” she said as she reached for her Botox. “Mind you, in exchange for peace in the Realm, surely it’s not that great a compromise?”
“You’re really planning on giving up the war in exchange for a husband?”
“Oh yes,” she applied the Botox to her cheeks. “Before restarting it once the wedding ceremony has finished!”
“But he might get an annulment?” said the Mirror.
“Oh!” panicked the Evil Queen. “I hadn’t thought of that!”
“Although legally I am not sure if you can even marry a horse anyway?”
“This sounds complicated!” the Evil Queen groaned. “But I am ruler so I will authorize the marriage and then outlaw any attempts at annulment!”
“Thought you might say that.”

The Weaver and the Emperor were in the private quarters of the latter.
“Your Wonderfulness,” said the Weaver with a quick bow. “I have had some ideas about your next outfit!”
“Yes?” enthused the Emperor.
“Do you know what is in fashion currently?”

“No?”
“Non-binary clothing.”
“What?” the Emperor raised an eyebrow.
“Or, in old terminology, unisex clothing.”
“How about in terminology I might understand?”
“Clothes that might be worn by men or women!” explained the Weaver.
“You want to make me a frock?”
“No, Your Silliness, clothes that do not conform to traditional gender clothing conventions!”
“I see,” the Emperor’s face suggested he definitely did not.
“It’s all the rage!” insisted the Weaver. “You will be the talk of the Realm! A true trend setter!”
“I like the sound of that,” said the Emperor. “You know I like to keep my finger on the pulse. What will the theme be?”
“I was thinking Summer.”
“But it’s Autumn?”
“It will be ironic and cheer everyone up.”
“I see,” the Emperor arose to pace the room. “However, you must remember my dear Weaver, that this is slightly political? I want to make a statement. We are under attack. At war. I need an outfit that shows me in a positive, strong light!”
“Right…” the Weaver scratched his head. “How about a suit of armour?”
“That’s not very flamboyant is it?”
“But it sends the right message?” pointed out the Weaver. “That you are going to lead your subjects into battle…”
“Stop…who said I was leading them into battle?”
“I thought you wanted to appear in a positive strong light?”
“I do but I am not leading them into battle! Are you bonkers?” the Emperor insisted. “I am a figurehead. It will be me saying a few words and them going off into battle. I will be far more useful right back here in the palace.”
“I see.”

“Sire,” said Percy as he cantered in the direction of the Evil Queen’s castle which was on the horizon.
“Yes Percy?” asked the Prince.
“I have been thinking. It’s about that Weaver fellow. There is something familiar about him. Suspicious even.”
“What do you mean?”
“Here we find this ludicrous confidence trickster. A scam merchant who, by being crafty and extremely mendacious, has managed to completely take in the Emperor.”
“The Emperor isn’t exactly the sharpest though is he Percy?” pointed out the Prince.
“No sire, he certainly is not. Arrogant and out of touch with reality yes. But nonetheless, the Weaver brazenly played on this and is probably pocketing more gold as we speak. Which got me thinking. Who else do we know that tells lies and has often gone wandering around the Realm pulling such stunts?”
“Archie?”

“There you go.”
“But surely Percy,” the Prince said in disbelief. “It can’t be. The Weaver doesn’t resemble Archie…oh hang on…neither did the Tailor?”
“Exactly,” nodded Percy. “I suspect he’s been up to his old tricks and changed his appearance again.”
“Oh Archie!”
“It suits him to be in disguise seeing all the enemies he has made,” added Percy. “The Evil Queen would dearly like to get her hands on him for a start.”
“And the Mer-people,” sighed the Prince. “For imprisoning and threatening to marry that poor Mermaid.”
“I’d forgotten about that.”
“Well it was dozens of books ago Percy.”
“And there will be people he defrauded as the Tailor who will want their revenge too,” said Percy. “And those who hold him responsible for breaking up the Realm Union.”
“And there’s the Paper Ballerina,” said the Prince. “If the Tin Soldier ever catches up with him, he will be in big trouble.”
“He really has upset rather a lot of people over the years,” concluded Percy. “Well, we will have to try brokering peace with the Evil Queen before returning to the Emperor’s palace and finding out the true identity of this Weaver!”
It must be confessed that the Evil Queen received the pair of them rather cordially which seemed strange given their last encounter.
“My dear Prince!” she greeted them as they stood in her royal court. “I am so delighted to see you again!”
“You are?” the Prince was surprised.
“Oh yes, you handsome devils!”
“I see…handsome devils?”
“Yes.”
“You are using the plural…it is just myself and my horse…”
“I do admire your horse.”
“Uh-oh,” said Percy.
“Many people admire Percy,” smiled the Prince. “Who wouldn’t be impressed by such a magnificent creature with the power of speech?”
“Yes, I suppose that is something special,” nodded the Evil Queen. “Part of the whole package I guess.”
“Yes…”
“A big package…”
“Sire?”
“Yes Percy?”
“Can I have a moment in private with you?”
“What’s wrong?” hissed the Prince to Percy as they stood in the relative privacy of the doorway to the royal court.
“I don’t like the way she is looking at me sire…” explained a nervous horse.
“What way?”
“Greedily…she looks creepy.”
“That’s just the way she looks Percy, you know that. With the amount of Botox she uses, we’re lucky we can tell any facial expressions.”

“I don’t like it sire,” muttered Percy anxiously. “She didn’t look at me like this last time. She is up to something and I have a horrible feeling she has me in mind for whatever that may be.”
“Like what?”
“I feel strange saying this sire…” he hesitated.
“Yes Percy?”
“And you might think I am perverse…”
“Percy?” the Prince was wide eyed. “You’re not thinking what I think you are, are you?”
“Well sire, what does she normally try doing with most male creatures she encounters?”
“My word! No! Surely not! The monster!”
“We can go back in sire but I thought I should just warn you,” Percy said before returning to the royal court where the Evil Queen was sat on her throne consulting her mirror.
“Your Majesty!” the Prince bowed in front of her before gulping. “As you know, we are here to negotiate with you and would like to come to terms as quickly and as amicably as possible.”
“It need not be quick,” replied the Evil Queen looking Percy up and down. “But the more amicable the better.”
“I am sure we can agree that there must be another way we can resolve hostilities,” continued the Prince. “You appear set on invading the entire Realm and we, along with many other Kingdoms, will fight tooth and nail to stop you.”
“So I see,” nodded the Evil Queen.
“Why are you obsessed with controlling the whole Realm?” inquired the Prince.
“I have a lot of time on my hands,” she shrugged. “But also I want to be respected and feared across the place.”
“May I ask why?”
“You must understand?” she snapped. “What with you being a hero known, respected and loved across the Realm?”
“I don’t do it for adulation or the hero worship,” shrugged the Prince. “If I wanted people to bow before me or fly banners, I would have remained as Prince of my Kingdom and not left it all those years ago. You can be respected without invading and enslaving people you know.”
“I keep trying to point this out,” spoke up the sprite in the Mirror. “But she won’t be told!”
“Excuse me!” the Evil Queen said before snapping her compact shut. “Few domestic issues!”
“I suspect your Mirror might have a point,” said the Prince before clearing his throat. “You cannot think you must be ruler of all you survey. That is crazy. What would you do with it all if you did dominate the Realm? No, no, it is all too much. Surely there is something else you can do with your time?”
“Or someone else?” there was a twinkle in the Evil Queen’s eye.
Percy shuddered.

Back in the palace of the Emperor, the man himself was about to view the latest set of clothes created for him by the Weaver. He had made the decision to banish his Chief Courtier from proceedings much to the chagrin of the latter.
“I really hope he won’t get duped again!” he remarked to the other royal advisers. “Surely he cannot be that stupid and deluded a second time?”
The others looked dubious.
“Your Wankiness!” the Weaver greeted the Emperor with a long bow in the royal quarters of the palace. “I have the honour of showing you a first glimpse of your new clothes. There will, I trust you understand, be further adjustments.”
“Understood!” the Emperor was giddy with excitement.
Behind the Weaver was a tailor’s dummy with a sheet of cloth draped over it. The Weaver bowed once more prior to twirling round and sweeping the cloth from the dummy.
“So…” the Weaver nodded at the dummy in anticipation. “Behold your new clothes!”
“Oh…” the Emperor was puzzled.
“I trust you like the gold sequins Your Dumbness?”
“Yes well…” the Emperor examined the naked dummy with a squint and folded his arms. “I suppose…”
“I have included the royal coat of arms on the tunic, I trust you appreciate that exquisite little touch?”
“Err yes…wonderful stuff…”
“And the family motto of course!”
“Of course…”
“Ut sit parva et flaccida sed facit.”
“Yes of course,” the Emperor nodded with some enthusiasm all of a sudden as if he had been convinced of something. “And you used the rare, magical cotton to weave these garments? Like the last time?”
“Only the best for the Emperor!” the Weaver beamed.
“Yes, so I see…” the Emperor was blankly peering at the naked dummy once again.
“And the sleeves are straight and stiffened,” the Weaver indicated the dummy. “As are the lapels. Angular. To give the outfit a degree of formality. To remind your subjects that you might be stylish but you are serious too. Just the right tone for a leader taking his people into war.”
“I see yes, most appropriate.”
“I hope you like it Your Blindness?”
“This magic cotton you weave,” remarked the Emperor. “It’s quite staggering.”
“I know Your Deludeness. It is a pleasure to work with. So smooth and quick to tailor into a garment.”
“Yes.”
“I can produce outfits within hours using it, hence why I was able to do this so rapidly within a day of your request.”
“Yes, remarkable.”
“Any suggestions Your Vacantness? Any tweaks you want me to make?”
“Perhaps some buttons on the lapels?”
“Do you really think?”

“Yes, perhaps silver?”
“Okay Your Pedantness, I shall add them forthwith. Anything else?”
“No, no, not that I can think of. When do you think the final version will be ready?”
“Tomorrow,” the Weaver said quickly before coughing and looking down at the floor.
“Oh yes, of course, your fee!”
The cloth sheet was placed back over the dummy for secrecy before a servant was summoned who paid over several bags of gold pieces to the Weaver on behalf of the Emperor.
“Sorry it was more expensive than last time,” said the Weaver. “But I had additional costs to meet.”
“Not a problem!” the Emperor seemed happy enough as the Weaver wheeled the covered dummy out of the room.

“So to sum up,” the Prince paced about the royal court of the Evil Queen’s castle with a troubled expression on his face. “To bring an end to this war and your military and territorial ambitions, you are prepared to do an exchange?”
“Yes,” the Evil Queen nodded.
“Or, to be more precise, take a husband.”
“Yes.”
“And, in lieu of a suitable man, you have set your heart on…and I can’t believe I am saying this…you have set your heart on…Percy.”
“Oh yes.”
“I think I’ve seen it all now.”
“You think you’ve seen it all?” Percy exclaimed.
“And,” continued the Prince. “If you are married to Percy, the war will end immediately and you will promise never to go to war again unless it is in defence of your own Kingdom.”
“Exactly that,” agreed the Evil Queen.
There was an awkward silence in the room.
“Are you sure…” said the Prince. “Are you really sure there isn’t someone else we could find for you? A man, for instance? Or a woman if you like?”
“Like who?” the Evil Queen sniffed disdainfully. “I’ve looked around the Realm you know and the talent is lacking on the man front.”
“I see,” the Prince gave Percy a despairing look.
“My mind is made up!” insisted the Evil Queen.
“Percy?” the Prince regarded his faithful steed hopefully.
“Sire? You must be kidding?”
“Now Percy, I realize it seems a little…well…a little…”
“Perverse?”
“Well…”
“Depraved?”
“Now come on Percy old chap,” the Prince gasped. “You’re looking at this in a negative light. A glass half empty. There could be lots of benefits. Lots of hay, a clean stable…”
“He’s not going in the stables!” said the Evil Queen abruptly.

“No?” Percy inquired.
“Certainly not!”
“Anyway, just think Percy old buddy old pal,” said the Prince. “There will be peace throughout the Realm and we will all have you to thank! I can see it now. There will be a bank holiday in your honour. St Percy’s Day. Coins with your image on them. Children and foals will be named after you.”
“Peace throughout the Realm?” frowned Percy. “Until the next trouble making sorcerer or witch or degenerate comes along?”
“Now come on Percy,” said the Prince. “Our days of crime fighting had to end sometime. It’s time to let the new breed takeover.”
“What new breed?”
“And rest assured, thousands of people will be saved if you submit to…I mean…agree to marry this lovely young lady.”
“Sire, I feel like you’re pimping me out?”
“Percy, think of the bloodshed you will be preventing?”
“Sire, there must be another way?”
“My army will prevail,” spoke up the Evil Queen. “Be in no doubt about that. There is no other way I will call it all off.”
“You see Percy?” the Prince shrugged at him.
“But sire…” the horse shook his mane in frustration before a thought came to him. “I think we should at least insist on some terms and conditions.”
“Terms and conditions?” cried the Evil Queen.
“Well, he probably has a point,” admitted the Prince.
“Like what exactly?”
“I want some freedoms and rights,” insisted Percy. “I certainly don’t wish to be shut up in this castle the whole time!”
“I am sure we can agree you will get some days off each year,” said the Prince.
“Days off?” cried the Evil Queen. “You speak as if being my husband will be a chore?”
“I also don’t want to be subjected to the sort of treatment that the Giant reportedly was,” said Percy with a cold look at the Evil Queen.
“Excuse me? What treatment?” she arose from her throne in anger.
“We’ve all heard,” the Prince winced at her.
“What have you heard?”
“Shall we ask the Mirror?” suggested Percy.
“This was meant to be a negotiation regarding me stopping the war!” protested the Evil Queen. “Not an enquiry about my private life!”
“Let us speak with the Mirror,” said the Prince.
The Evil Queen glowered as she opened her compact.
“Afternoon!” said the sprite in the mirror. “I’ve heard what you’ve been saying and I can confirm that the rumours are certainly true!”
“Rumours?” the Evil Queen raged. “How dare you?”
“Agonizing cries throughout the night,” said the Prince casually. “Violent banging in your royal quarters…”
“Oh yes,” agreed the Mirror. “I still have flashbacks. My counsellor says I have post traumatic stress disorder.”
“How has this all come out?” demanded the Evil Queen.

“I didn’t tell anyone,” insisted the Mirror. “Apart from my counsellor. Trust me. I barely want to remember or picture it let alone describe it in any detail.”
“My servants must have blabbed!” the Evil Queen moaned.
“Well whatever,” sighed Percy. “I don’t want to go through any of that!”
“Any of what?” spat the Evil Queen.
“You know…”
“No?”
“The sexual stuff!” the Prince lost his patience.
There was an awkward silence in the room.
“We shall see,” the Evil Queen finally said.
“Good luck with that,” remarked the Mirror. “We must have the royal quarters sound proofed.”
“I also don’t want the ceremony in public,” began Percy earnestly. “I want it to be in secret.”
“Why?” gasped the Evil Queen. “Surely you’d want everyone to know you were marrying into royalty? You’ll become a household name! People everywhere will buy tea towels and mugs with us on them!”
“No, I don’t want anyone knowing!”
“I think he has a point!” piped up the Mirror. “He has got a reputation to upkeep. Plus, I am not sure it will be a good look for a Queen to be getting hitched to a horse?”
“Nonsense!” insisted the Evil Queen.
“Aren’t you embarrassed?” asked the Mirror.
“No, why would I be?”
“Aren’t you concerned as to what people will say?”
“I have never worried about what people might say about me!”
“Just as well.”
“Also,” said Percy. “I want whoever performs the ceremony to sign a non-disclosure agreement.”
“Blimey Percy,” the Prince said. “You really do want to hush this up.”
“A woman marrying a horse…are you surprised?”
“Fair point.”
“If this is what you really want,” said the Evil Queen. “I will agree. It all seems unnecessary and a lot of fuss but never mind.”
“Then, if you honour my wishes,” a tear welled in his eye as Percy spoke. “I will marry you.”
“Wonderful!” the Evil Queen clapped her hands together.
“Weird,” said the Prince.
“Totally bonkers,” said the Mirror. “And probably illegal.”
“Illegal?” inquired Percy hopefully.
“Nonsense!” fired back the Evil Queen. “I make the laws!”
“Oh,” his heart sank.
“So then,” said the Evil Queen. “We can marry tomorrow!”
“Really?” gulped Percy.
“It is probably best to get it over with,” said the Prince.
“But I will need a few days for the stag-do!”
“Oh yes, good point.”

“How long do you need?” scowled the Evil Queen.
“Well it will be a few days to get the invites out,” said Percy.
“I thought you wanted this to be highly confidential?”
“Oh, I won’t tell them the details,” said Percy. “But it will be a good excuse to get together for a drink.”
“Who shall we invite then Percy?” asked the Prince.
“There’s Red Riding Hood…”
“Red Riding Hood?” cried the Evil Queen. “Going as the stripper I suppose?”
“No,” said Percy. “Certainly not. As a good friend. And, while we are at it, I don’t think it is appropriate in this day and age to call it a ‘stag-do’. That has old fashioned connotations of men only getting drunk and leering at semi naked women.”
“He has a point,” smiled the Prince.
“No, my gathering will be open to everybody…man, woman, horse…”
“I didn’t know you were friendly with any other horses?” said the Prince.
“Oh no…” a thought had just occurred to Percy. “I don’t like to hold grudges but should I invite Archie?”
“That reminds me!” said the Prince. “About what you said regarding him on the way here?”
“Oh yes!”
“Sorry to interrupt you,” began the Evil Queen. “But I expect to be married in two days. At noon. If you don’t make it back to this Castle, the cease fire will end and the war will resume.”

“I see what you’ve done there,” nodded Percy as they headed back to the palace of the Emperor. “Played for time.”
“What do you mean Percy?” frowned the Prince.
“We’ve put her off by two days so that there’s no further bloodshed and then we find an alternative way of either ending or winning this conflict?”
“What?”
“So what is the master plan then sire?”
“Master plan Percy?”
“Now come on sire,” chuckled Percy. “Don’t play dumb with me. I can tell you have something up your sleeve so that I don’t have to marry the Evil Queen? Right?”
“Not at all,” the Prince replied solemnly. “We need to be back here the day after tomorrow so that we stop the war.”
“What?” Percy shrieked and came to a sharp halt. “You mean that we are…well, I am going to have to go through with this nonsense?”
“I am afraid so Percy,” sighed the Prince. “You heard the woman. She really does want to marry you and if that is what it takes to end the war, then we have no other choice.”
“But what about Archie?”
“We will catch up with him back at the palace,” said the Prince. “If he has indeed managed to change his appearance and is posing as the Weaver. I suggest we resolve that, have a few celebratory drinks at your bash…”
“Celebratory?”
“Commiseration drinks…” the Prince corrected himself. “And then head back to the Castle of the Evil Queen for the big day!”
“I can’t wait.”

“I see what you’ve done there,” nodded Percy as they headed back to the palace of the Emperor. “Played for time.”
“What do you mean Percy?” frowned the Prince.
“We’ve put her off by two days so that there’s no further bloodshed and then we find an alternative way of either ending or winning this conflict?”
“What?”
“So what is the master plan then sire?”
“Master plan Percy?”
“Now come on sire,” chuckled Percy. “Don’t play dumb with me. I can tell you have something up your sleeve so that I don’t have to marry the Evil Queen? Right?”
“Not at all,” the Prince replied solemnly. “We need to be back here the day after tomorrow so that we stop the war.”
“What?” Percy shrieked and came to a sharp halt. “You mean that we are…well, I am going to have to go through with this nonsense?”
“I am afraid so Percy,” sighed the Prince. “You heard the woman. She really does want to marry you and if that is what it takes to end the war, then we have no other choice.”
“But what about Archie?”
“We will catch up with him back at the palace,” said the Prince. “If he has indeed managed to change his appearance and is posing as the Weaver. I suggest we resolve that, have a few celebratory drinks at your bash…”
“Celebratory?”
“Commiseration drinks…” the Prince corrected himself. “And then head back to the Castle of the Evil Queen for the big day!”
“I can’t wait.”

Back in the palace, the Emperor was being shown the latest efforts from the Weaver. The dummy was covered in a large sheet of cloth as they stood in front of it. 
“Excited?” the Weaver asked the Emperor.
“Oh yes!” he clapped his hands together.
The Weaver yanked away the sheet to reveal the naked dummy.
The Emperor blinked.
“What do you think?” the Weaver asked him cheerfully.
“Well…” the Emperor rubbed his eyes. 
“Can you see what I have done?”
“Used more magic cotton presumably?”
“Oh yes! I see the Imperial eyes are accustomed to spotting it now. Unlike those servants of yours.”
“It’s very…err…” the Emperor stammered while blinking again as he appraised the blank dummy in front of him. “Nice.”
“The finished article!” the Weaver proudly pronounced.
“Is it?” the Emperor didn’t seem convinced.
“Oh yes!”
“Your Highness!” a servant appeared in the room. “Prince Charming and that damn peculiar talking horse have returned to the palace!”
“Good…I suppose,” the Emperor was still preoccupied with the tailor’s dummy. “Let them in.”
The servant departed the room before rapidly returning with the Prince and Percy behind him.
“Your Highness,” the Prince gave the Emperor a quick bow. “How goes it?”
“I have been previewing my new set of clothes!” 
“I bet you have,” the Prince rolled his eyes. “And we have a theory about your Weaver.”
“Yes?”
“Is he around?”
“No, he just left to work on the final version of my outfit,” said the Emperor. “Why? What is the problem?”

To be continued…