The Realm was finally at peace. A ceasefire had been declared with long term peace to follow once the Evil Queen tied the knot with her husband. It had been a long time coming and there had been several suitors including a Giant, Archie and a gerbil. But once the Prince and Percy had approached the Evil Queen for negotiations to bring an end to the war she was waging across the Realm, she agreed to stop hostilities in exchange for one thing.
Percy.
Percy? I hear the reader exclaim. A horse? Really?
Well yes, confounding the conventional method whereby one adult human would have a union with another adult human, the Evil Queen had decided she was hell bent on marrying a horse. Percy had consented, as well as anyone might consent while deeply depressed about their fate and so the ceremony was imminent.
“Are you sure you are really going to go through with this?” the Evil Queen’s Mirror asked her as the former applied the customary Botox to her forehead.
“Definitely!” replied a cheerful almost ecstatic Evil Queen. “It’s been a long time coming!”
“A phrase we will no doubt hear a lot going forward.”
“He will finally give me an heir!” enthused the Evil Queen as she began brushing her hair.
“A what now?!”
“An heir! I can’t go on forever you know.”
“Well one would hope not but an heir? Have you not spotted the slight flaw in that?”
“If it’s that I am too old…”
“No! That your groom is a horse? The only way you could have an heir would be to adopt.”
“Oh,” sighed the Evil Queen. “You always get bogged down in details don’t you?”
“And I am not sure social services would allow it!”
“Why ever not?” cried the Evil Queen. “I would make a lovely mother! Look at my home. It’s huge!”
“I am sure they won’t have any objections to the state of your home,” conceded the Mirror. “The problem might be that you tried waging war across the Realm, are married to a beast and spend most of your day talking to your Mirror. No, I cannot see you having any children!”
“Why do you have to be so negative?”
“Or just a realist?”
“I must have an heir to continue my dynasty!”
“Well that’s another thing,” began the Mirror. “If you were to die, surely the next in line for the throne would be your brother the Warlock, if he is still alive?”
“What?” she snapped.
“So you don’t need to have a child to continue the royal line?” continued the Mirror. “The Warlock would succeed you and then the crown pass to any children he has had. Although it seems unlikely there will be any.”
“I certainly hope not!”
“I’d be surprised. This habit of repelling the opposite sex seems to run in the family.”
“Whatever,” the Evil Queen applied her foundation using a pallet knife. “I will ensure I have a direct heir!”
“Actually, thinking about it,” the Mirror said. “Surely the legitimate heir would be Snow White?”
“What? How?”
“Because you gained the throne by bumping off her father the King. Your failed attempt to kill her with that poisoned apple was always going to mean that she would take the throne back one day once you had shuffled off into the afterlife.”
“The poisoned apple wasn’t the only attempt you know!” the Evil Queen gave the sprite in the Mirror a withering look. “There was the harpsichord I tried dropping on her head from that cliff she walked under?”
“Shame you missed and killed that baby deer.”
“And you’re forgetting that stray arrow I had fired into the forest when she was on a picnic there?”
“Which blinded that baby bunny rabbit.”
“I will worry about her later!” spat the Evil Queen. “I am certainly not going to let that little brat ruin my big day!”
“Your so-called big day is going to be absurd.”
“Why?”
“Firstly, you’re marrying a horse. Secondly one of the conditions of the union is that it is done in secret so the servants, the bridesmaids, the Chaplain and the guests are all going to be blindfolded. The only ones not wearing them are you, the horse and the best man!”
“I am sure it will be fine. Percy did insist.”
“It’s the wedding reception I am worried about.”
“You worry too much!”
“And the wedding night.”
Meanwhile, in a tavern a few miles away, the groom was preparing himself for the big day.
“This is really going to happen isn’t it?” Percy said gloomily as the Prince paced the room which was an empty bar in the place.
“I can’t think of a way out of it without the Evil Queen resuming the war. If you jilt her, she will surely retaliate!”
“Sire,” a thought had been nagging Percy. “I haven’t been to that many wedding ceremonies but isn’t there a thing whereby the registrar or chaplain asks those in the room if there are any lawful impediments as to why the marriage should not go ahead?”
“Yes, rarely turns out there are though.”
“But what if there was?”
“Percy, are you saying we should find a stooge to do this?”
“It’s an idea sire.”
“Hmm…” the Prince nodded to himself. “It certainly is but the problem is who could we get to do it and what would the impediment be? For instance, it would have to be airtight so the Evil Queen won’t know it’s been fabricated.”
“We could say I am already married?” suggested Percy.
“It might work but we’re dealing with a woman here who is happy enough to marry a horse. She’d probably not care if you are a bigamist.”
“It’s worth a try sire?”
“It is, but we need someone convincing. I mean we can’t just ask Red Riding Hood as she’s is too clean cut and sane for it to be credible…and…” the Prince suddenly brightened up. “We know a woman not that far from here who people would definitely believe once married a horse!”
“The Dirty Shepherdess?”
“Oh yes!”
It took a few hours and it was nearly dusk when the Dirty Shepherdess arrived at the tavern having been summoned by messenger. Delighted with the prospect of sleeping in the barn for the night, the Prince explained their plan to her.
“Now I realize you might have your reservations from an ethical or moral standpoint…” he said after telling her.
“I’ll do it!”
“Really? You don’t mind the scandal that will come with it?”
“Not at all,” the Dirty Shepherdess shrugged. “In fact, it’s just the sort of thing I might do. Just never thought about it.”
“Excellent! So you need to come with us to the Evil Queen’s castle tomorrow, keep a low profile and then, during the ceremony, burst into the hall at the relevant moment and say you know why the marriage cannot go ahead.”
“Because Percy is my husband?” said the Dirty Shepherdess.
“You’ve got it!”
“I like this plan sire,” Percy nodded.
“And another thing,” said the Prince to them both. “She might challenge it. So, if asked, tell her the marriage was definitely consummated.”
“Consum-what?” the Dirty Shepherdess raised an eyebrow.
“You know…you and Percy were physically intimate.”
“What?”
“You lay down together?”
“What, where?”
“You banged each other!”
“Oh that!” she chuckled. “How funny.”
“Hilarious,” remarked Percy.
“I don’t know why you’re being so morose,” the Prince told him. “That didn’t actually happen which is a vast improvement on what was likely to have happened had you married the Evil Queen. You should be hugely relieved!”
“I am not out of the woods yet,” he replied. “I will only be relieved once I have left this dreadful Kingdom and the Evil Queen has ruled out any chance of marrying me!”
“That reminds me,” said the Prince. “She might hold you responsible and say you knowingly went ahead with agreeing to marry her as a bigamist so that rips up her pledge to end the war.”
“Oh great!”
“So we need the Dirty Shepherdess to insist that she ran away and you had presumed she was dead.”
“I suppose that might work,” said Percy sounding unconvinced.
“I’ll say whatever you want,” shrugged the Dirty Shepherdess. “I hope you don’t expect me to get all made up for this wedding do you? I prefer the natural look.”
“Oh definitely not,” smiled the Prince. “Come just as perfect as you are!”
Back in the castle of the Evil Queen, she was fussing over her wedding dress which a servant had wheeled into the court.
“I am not sure,” she frowned.
“Neither am I,” said the Mirror. “For starters, it’s white and we both know that you’re not a…”
“Perhaps I should bring in that Weaver to make me a dress?”
“Are you crazy?”
“Oh, you think it’s too late?”
“Well yes but look what happened to the Emperor? You want that on your wedding day?”
“I suppose this will have to do,” she eyed the generic white wedding dress in disappointment. “I just imagined something different.”
“It’s a wise move if you ask me.”
“Why?”
“It’s not too bold and should fit.”
“It looks a bit baggy.”
“Looks the perfect fit to me.”
“Well take it away, I won’t try it on until tomorrow,” said the Evil Queen to the servant who obeyed. “I wouldn’t want my husband to-be to sneak into the castle tonight to have a look at me in it.”
“I am sure there’s no danger of that,” chuckled the Mirror.
“It’s bad luck,” nodded the Evil Queen. “To see the bride in her wedding dress before the ceremony!”
“I think that poor horse has had enough bad luck for a lifetime.”
“Do you think I should wear the veil? To be coy?”
“Oh I would recommend you always wear a veil,” replied the Mirror.
“Is that the done thing at a wedding?”
“I would recommend you always wear a veil.”
“Right.”
“Or a bag over your head.”
The next day, the big day in fact, Percy, the Prince and the Dirty Shepherdess arrived at the castle and were shown to their quarters.
“This had better work sire,” Percy said to the Prince once the three of them had been left alone.
“It’s the only option,” shrugged the Prince. “A lot will depend on the performance of the Dirty Shepherdess. She needs to convince everyone that she would resort to being romantically involved with a horse and rolling around in stables.”
They both looked at the Dirty Shepherdess as she picked a piece of dung from her hair as two flies circled her head.
“I think she’ll do,” remarked Percy.
“Remind us,” said the Prince to the Dirty Shepherdess. “Why is it that you maintain this filthy appearance?”
“It’s a point of principle,” she folded her arms.
“A protest?” asked Percy. “Against cosmetics companies for animal testing?”
“Nope.”
“Then what?”
“To show my father the King that there is more to life than good looks and fine garments. He tried marrying me off on that basis. It’s a point of principle that, when I am married, it will be on the basis of my personality, not my appearance.”
“And how are you getting on with that?”
“It’s been a slow burner.”
“That’s a lot of effort to make a point,” said Percy. “Especially seeing as you have to live in squalor and dirt.”
“Yes, and the smell must be disgusting,” agreed the Prince.
“Oh it’s fine once you get used to it,” she said cheerfully. “Now can we get this wedding underway as afterwards I want to go and roll about in the castle sewers.”
Suddenly there was a knock on the door before a peculiar and officious looking man entered the room.
“Good morning,” he looked at them in surprise. “I am the registrar and will be holding the ceremony today. I thought I should introduce myself!”
“Good morning,” said the Prince.
“Now there’s no need to be nervous,” the registrar told him. “The ceremony will be over in a jiffy and you’ll be married!”
“Oh no,” the Prince shook his head earnestly. “I’m not the one getting married!”
“Oh…” he frowned before looking at the Dirty Shepherdess. “I see, it’s a civil partnership! That wasn’t mentioned. Well my dear, shouldn’t you be getting ready? Don’t let the nerves get to you!”
“I’m not getting hitched!”
“What? Well?” he looked past Percy and around the room. “Where are they then?”
“It’s me,” said Percy.
“You?” the registrar took a step back before turning to the others. “Did that horse just speak?”
“You’ll get used to it,” shrugged the Prince.
“This must be some sick joke!” he exclaimed. “A horse marrying the Evil Queen?”
“It’s sick,” agreed the Prince. “But not a joke.”
“And I am meant to oversee this monstrosity?”
“Yes.”
“I’ve never known anything like it!” he glowered before shaking his head in frustration. “Well, I suppose it takes all sorts! If that’s what she wants!”
“So what happens in the ceremony?” inquired Percy.
“You will gather together at the front of the chapel,” he explained. “I will join you in matrimony, go through the usual nuptials and then, if there are no lawful impediments, I will call you man and wife…I mean…horse and wife!”
“Sounds relatively simple,” said Percy.
“Roll on the wedding reception champagne,” nodded the registrar prior to hurriedly departing.
“Nice chap,” said the Prince. “So then, there it is. The Dirty Shepherdess must enter the room just after the nuptials and wait for him to ask if there are any legal impediments. Then you shout out that there are and the game is over!”
A servant appeared in the room.
“I’ve been told you need to be in the chapel in an hour,” he announced with a bewildered expression on his face. “Would you like a stiff drink in the meantime?”
“Oh yes!” neighed Percy.
Because Percy had stipulated that the wedding should be as low key as possible with very few people knowing about it, the chapel was deserted but for himself, the Prince and the registrar. They waited nervously at the front.
“Royal weddings aren’t what they used to be,” observed the registrar. “They used to be huge with cheering crowds. A bank holiday was declared, they put out the bunting…this Queen doesn’t seem to have captured the imagination of the public.”
“Or their endearment,” said the Prince. “Funny that. Although Percy did insist that one of the terms of this union was that it would be discreet.”
“I don’t blame him,” said the registrar. “It’s embarrassing. Having to marry the Evil Queen? Who would want that becoming public knowledge?”
“Exactly,” Percy rolled his eyes.
They all looked up as the door to the chapel creaked open and one of the Evil Queen’s servants entered the room to march towards them and then sit down at the organ to their left. He acknowledged their presence before placing his fingers on the keys.
The Bridal Chorus sounded out across the chapel which sent shivers up Percy’s spine. The Prince turned around to see several servants dressed as bridesmaids entering the chapel, followed by the bride in her wedding dress and veil.
“Here we go Percy,” he hissed. “I bet she looks bloody awful.”
“Radiant.”
The Evil Queen and her bridesmaids marched slowly down the aisle as the music continued. Finally, she arrived next to Percy and the tune ended.
“We are gathered here today…” the registrar addressed them all.
Ten minutes later and the marriage vows were being read out.
“In sickness and in health…” said the registrar.
“Hang on!” cried out the Evil Queen from behind her veil. “Just how sick exactly?”
“What do you mean?” the registrar was perplexed.
“If he has a slight sniffle then fine, I will ensure he gets care but what if it is more severe?”
“More severe?”
“Yes, like rabies or something?”
“Rabies?” exclaimed the groom.
“Yes, surely that’s pushing things a bit far isn’t it? I can’t be expected to look after him or even go near him if he has rabies?”
“It’s just part of the ceremony Your Majesty,” explained the registrar. “I am sure when the time comes, you will judge things on their merits.”
“The moment I see any foam around his mouth, I will have him put down.”
“Thanks,” said Percy.
“Or sent to the glue factory.”
“Anyway,” the registrar reddened before clearing his throat. “I now must ask, is there anyone here present who knows of a reason this couple should not be married?”
The door at the back of the chapel opened with a loud creak and the Dirty Shepherdess appeared, waving her hand aloft.
“I do!” she yelled.
The Evil Queen shot round in shock.
“You do?” the registrar was taken aback.
“Oh yes!” the Dirty Shepherdess stomped down the aisle. “I can tell you precisely why this cannot go ahead! This horse is my lawful husband!”
There was a hush around the place.
“You sly fox,” the registrar murmured to Percy before adding. “Oh dear. This is most unfortunate. When did this happen?”
“Many years ago!” said an indignant Dirty Shepherdess. “We were married and I was with child!”
Another hush followed.
“Really?” the Prince cried before whispering to Percy. “She’s going too far.”
“Do you recognize this woman?” the registrar asked Percy.
“I do,” he conceded. “But she went away on a weekend break to the swamp and never returned. I presumed she was dead.”
“Oh what a convenient story!” shouted the Dirty Shepherdess. “And now I find you getting shacked up with this tart!”
“How dare you?” the Evil Queen removed her veil.
“This old tart!” the Dirty Shepherdess pointed at her before glaring at Percy.
“Are we really meant to believe this?” the Evil Queen cried. “That this woman would marry a horse?”
They all looked the Dirty Shepherdess up and down.
“She looks the type,” said the Prince.
“Well that is it then,” the registrar shrugged helplessly. “This marriage cannot go ahead.”
“You what!” screamed the Evil Queen.
“I am sorry Your Majesty but they are still legally married,” the registrar insisted.
“How could you forget you were already married?” the Evil Queen remonstrated with Percy.
“I told you, I thought she was dead!”
“Did you have her registered so?” asked the registrar hopefully. “That could help?”
“No,” said Percy.
“Oh well, it was worth checking.”
“So where does this leave us?” the Evil Queen scowled.
“No wedding today Your Majesty,” the registrar told her. “And no champagne, sadly.”
“What about if they divorce?”
“I am not divorcing him!” yelled the Dirty Shepherdess. “Not when he’s as well endowed as he is!”
There was an awkward silence before the Evil Queen left the chapel in a rage.
“I did say royal weddings are not what they once were,” sighed the registrar before joining the bridesmaids and following the Evil Queen out.
“Well done!” the Prince congratulated Percy and the Dirty Shepherdess. “You were brilliant, if a little over the top.”
“Forgive me for not being overjoyed sire,” began Percy. “But I have a feeling that the Evil Queen will simply kick the war off all over again.”
The Evil Queen was back in her private quarters and addressed the sprite in her long mirror.
“Well that went drastically wrong didn’t it?” remarked the Mirror. “I think you need to resign yourself to being a spinster. You know it, I know it. Get some cats. Take up knitting.”
“I cannot believe my luck!”
“You remember that old crone you disguised yourself as when you gave Snow White that poisoned apple?”
“Yes?”
“That will be you soon. An old crone spinster with no children and no partner. Wandering around the kingdom, toothless and haggard!”
“I am not done yet!” the Evil Queen was defiant.
“You are!” insisted the Mirror scornfully. “You just forced a horse to marry you in exchange for giving up a war and even the horse couldn’t marry you! Wouldn’t you concede that it’s fate that you will never have a husband? Be they animal, vegetable or mineral?”
“About the war!” the Evil Queen had a determined glint in her eye. “Why should I give it up? They didn’t keep their end of the bargain!”
“They were willing to but couldn’t because of a technicality,” pointed out the Mirror.
“A technicality!” cried the Evil Queen. “One that seemed rather convenient! I mean come on? A woman marrying a horse! Who does that?”
“Well, you tried.”
“You’d have thought if a woman, even one as despicable as that creature, had married a horse, it would have been a scandal and known around the Realm! I’d certainly not heard about it before!”
“Yes, it certainly seems strange that such a disturbing act of depravity hadn’t come to our attention before.”
“Exactly!”
“However, well…” the Mirror was sheepish.
“What?” snapped the Evil Queen.
“You don’t really have your ear to the ground do you? It’s not like you keep abreast of things going on in your own Kingdom let alone the Realm. You are a recluse.”
“What are you saying?”
“That if such a thing happened, we probably would not have heard of it. You’ve been isolated in this castle for years. You hardly get amongst it do you? I mean come on, you didn’t even appear in the first twenty or so books?”
“Books? What books?”
“Sorry, I meant adventures,” said the Mirror before adding. “Nevertheless, the marriage between that woman and the horse could have occurred without us knowing about it.”
“I suppose!” she drew a long sigh of frustration. “And I remain on the market. Like a coiled spring. Still not snapped up. What a cruel and perverse place the world is.”
“Perhaps you should look on the bright side?” the Mirror suggested. “Just imagine having that horse in your bed? And…just imagine the other thing as well? Just think of the pain!”
“Oh don’t remind me,” the Evil Queen was misty eyed.
“It’s not natural!”
“Oh I don’t know…”
“It is against the laws of nature!” insisted the Mirror.
“I am a Goddess,” she snapped. “Nature is decided by me!”
A messenger appeared in the room rather anxiously.
“Your Majesty!” he cried. “Urgent news from the battlefield.”
“Urgent news? There’s a cease fire?”
“Yes, Your Majesty, however your General reports that the enemy used the cease fire to take back territory. Overnight they regained areas and are now at your border. Hundreds of well trained soldiers all waiting to bang your doors down! Most of the gains your army made have now been lost.”
“Infamy!” shrieked the Evil Queen before a smile came to her Botox injected face. “Hang on? They’re ‘waiting to bang’ my doors down?”
“Yes,” he gulped.
“Front or back doors?” she raised an eyebrow.
“It looks like they used the peace time well,” remarked the Mirror. “To take back their territory without bloodshed.”
“So now I have nothing?” the Evil Queen was exasperated. “No other Kingdoms but my own? No husband? What was the point of even striking a deal with them?”
At that moment her General joined them in the room. His demeanour was gloomy.
“He’s brave, I’ll give him that,” said the Mirror.
“What are you doing here?” the Evil Queen demanded of him.
“I had orders to lay down our weapons,” he shrugged. “And during the cease fire, the enemy began taking positions in the field. We retreated to avoid conflict and then, when the order came through that the war was to end, they continued taking back more land, peacefully I might add, and now we have lost it all basically!”
“What?”
“Well you have your husband so I guess you got your deal?”
“Sore point,” said the Mirror.
“No I didn’t get my deal!” yelled the Evil Queen. “I got nothing. I have been robbed!”
“Oh dear.”
“So I want you and my army to get back out there right away and re-invade!”
“Oh no Your Majesty,” the General shook his head. “It’s not possible. We have conceded a very strong position. But now the troops are exhausted, famished and we have run low on weapons and ammunition. There have been many deserters. If we launched another attack right now, we would surely be chewed up and spat out.”
“It cannot be!”
“I fear Your Majesty that such a move would provoke other Kingdoms to march on yours. They would be keen to, in a position of such strength, end it once and for all.”
“How has this happened?” the Evil Queen snarled.
“I think it started,” suggested the Mirror. “When some lonely old Botox fixated woman decided to compensate for their low self-esteem and lack of a love life by invading large swathes of the Realm before agreeing to stop in exchange for marrying a horse.”
“What went wrong with the wedding?” inquired the General.
“It turned out the horse was already married,” explained the Mirror. “To this scruffy and mucky woman with fleas.”
“Woman with fleas?” the General stopped to think. “Not the Dirty Shepherdess?”
“We didn’t get her name.”
“It sounds like her. But this cannot be right?”
“Why?” asked the Evil Queen.
“Did she have torn garments, mud on her cheeks and smell of horse manure?”
“Yes!” said the Evil Queen.
“That definitely sounds like the Dirty Shepherdess! But she cannot have been married to the horse. Surely not?”
“Apparently it happened years ago but then he presumed she was dead when she vanished,” said the Mirror.
“This cannot be right,” insisted the General. “She’s long been an ally of the Prince and his horse. Our spies have encountered them before. They operate together along with Red Riding Hood among others.”
“Then they were not estranged?” the Evil Queen raged.
“Well no but I doubt they were ever even married?” the General said. “A horse and a woman? Who would be crazy enough to do that?”
“Get out!” ranted the Evil Queen.
The General departed along with the messenger.
“It sounds like you’ve been completely had!” chuckled the Mirror.
“I wish!”
“You have to give them credit. Very crafty!”
“I will get revenge, you see if I don’t!” the Evil Queen began pacing the room. “I will unite with my brother! That’s what I will do.”
“The Warlock? Oh my word!” the Mirror gasped. “He doesn’t even like you! How would he help?”
“He’ll do anything to have a girlfriend, won’t he?”
“Yes.”
“So I shall ensure he has one!”
“Before we go any further,” the Mirror said. “May I just check this is not going where I think it is?”
“Where?”
“The girlfriend won’t be you?”
“No,” she was horrified. “What do you think I am? He’s my brother!”
“Of course, silly old me. Anyway, carry on?”
“I will find him a girlfriend! In exchange for his help!” she clasped her hands together. “His sorcery combined with mine will be too much for the Prince and his friends!”
“That is a splendid idea apart from two slight snags,” said the Mirror.
“Yes?”
“Firstly, your brother despises you.”
“Blood is thicker than water.”
“This blood has been somewhat diluted methinks. Secondly, who are you going to find to be with the Warlock?”
“I can talk my brother around,” insisted the Evil Queen. “And I am sure we can find some maid desperate enough to be with him. Or we could pay someone?”
“You’re so romantic.”
“There must be a woman somewhere?” said the Evil Queen thoughtfully. “Snow White?”
“You want your brother to get romantically involved with your step-daughter? And, given your past with her, you think she even would?”
“It must be better than hanging around with all those strange little fellows.”
“What?”
“Those midgets, you know who work in the caves?”
“They are dwarfs,” the Mirror corrected her. “And it’s not the done thing to refer to them as ‘midgets’.”
“They’re small aren’t they? Anyway, it’s weird if you ask me! Living in the caves with a bunch of little old men with peculiar nicknames.”
“She left there years ago,” explained the Mirror. “To run her brothel!”
“Still odd though wasn’t it? Maybe she had a fetish for them?”
“Says the woman who shacked up with a Giant?”
“So who else is there?” the Evil Queen wondered.
“Rapunzel?”
“That mad bint in the tower with the long hair?”
“You must know whoever we get to be with your brother does need to be partly unhinged right?”
“I suppose.”
“Anyway, she’s no longer in the tower. She’s an influencer now, endorsing hair products around the Realm. I don’t think it would do her brand any good to be associated with the Warlock. Her followers consider her to be beautiful and glamorous. She promotes a sexy and luxurious lifestyle. It won’t add up if she gets romantically involved with a seedy old man who rarely ever washes and has a penchant for removing his clothes and exposing his little wand.”
“What about that blonde woman?”
“Can you narrow it down?”
“The one who steals things?”
“Goldilocks? Oh I can’t see that happening. He’s not wealthy enough for her. She’d only be interested if he was rich!”
“There must be someone!” sighed the Evil Queen before picking up the Realm newspaper from the table and flicking through it. “Aha! Obituaries!”
“You want to match him up with a corpse?”
“No! We will see who has recently been widowed and therefore is now on the market!”
“Classy.”
“Look! The Old Woman in the Shoe!” said the Evil Queen excitedly. “Her husband the Woodcutter has died!”
“Died or reported missing and presumed dead?” checked the Mirror.
“What’s the difference?”
“Because he has previous for vanishing to get out of paying for their excessive childcare costs. It wouldn’t surprise me if he turned up again in a few weeks!”
“Oh well,” the Evil Queen scanned the page before smiling. “The Miller Queen is footloose and fancy free!”
“Yes but is she mentally unstable?”
“Her husband the King is dead!”
“Yes, your army killed him during the war when you invaded his Kingdom!” sighed the Mirror.
“Did they?” the Evil Queen was genuinely taken aback.
“Yes! But I’d be wary about that Miller Queen,” warned the Mirror. “She’s funny in the head that one. She was the one going about the place telling people she could spin straw into gold! Then she started hallucinating, seeing that ugly imp thing…what was he called? That’s it! Rumpelstiltskin!”
“Bless you!”
“Be careful of her!”
“I thought you said we needed a woman with a screw loose?” the Evil Queen frowned.
“I guess,” replied the Mirror. “Maybe keep her as back up?”
“What about Sleeping Beauty?” the Evil Queen threw aside the paper.
“Still unconscious.”
“She sounds perfect!” enthused the Evil Queen.
“What? Nobody can wake her up! She sounds highly unsuitable to me…hang on…”
“Yes?” the Evil Queen was smug.
“You’re not…you wouldn’t…”
“I bloody well would! Yes, there we are! I take it she is still asleep in the great forest to the West of here?”
“Yes but…”
“Therefore I will find my brother and take him to her!”
“But she’s asleep! Unconscious! Oblivious! Zonked out?”
“Then she is perfect!” the Evil Queen cackled in delight.
To be continued in ‘Prince Charming & Sleeping Beauty’…
Athon 