The Evil Queen sat on her chaise longue in the Palace as the Prince, Percy and Lord Gambier were brought before her. One says ‘Lord Gambier’ yet in recent hours it had been discovered that the odious and sweaty creature was in fact Archie in disguise. He had travelled to the Evil Queen’s residence in the back of a carriage and been found, on arrival, in a compromising position with Percy.
“Why isn’t he wearing any garments?” the Evil Queen eyed his chubby and sweaty body with intense displeasure and a touch of morbid curiosity.
“He was doing something obscene in the back of the carriage,” explained an embarrassed looking guard.
“Such as what?” she sighed. “What is it with these men? They just can’t help themselves!”
“I’d rather not go into details,” said the guard who was rather bashful.
“Nor me,” spoke up Percy sheepishly.
“My Mirror can show me!” the Evil Queen indicated the tall Mirror in the corner of the room.
“I’ve seen it!” the Mirror cried out. “And I am not showing it. Oh no! I should get paid danger money for some of things I have to broadcast and cover!”
“You will show me anything and everything I demand!”
“You demand too much!”
“I will see it!” the Evil Queen insisted.
“You might not, I’ve been having some technical issues.”
“What?”
“Yes, I can’t bring you the entire Realm. Connection issues.”
“I will see it or connection issues will be the least of your problems!”
“Oh no! This one is too much!” the Mirror protested.
“I am sure it looked a lot worse than it really was,” said the Prince.
“It depends entirely on which angle you watch it from,” said the Mirror knowledgably. “Being an all seeing voyeur isn’t what it’s cracked up to be you know!”
“I would have thought it has some benefits,” said Percy.
“I’m not a peeping tom you know!”
“I shall watch it later,” the Evil Queen brushed the subject off while glaring at Archie.
“Can someone please bring a towel for this monstrosity!”
“I’m sorry for this Your Majesty!” Archie covered his lower regions up using his hands.
“Your mission was a success,” admitted the Evil Queen. “You delivered the Prince as we agreed.”
“I certainly did!” agreed Archie.
“But there was no need to celebrate by trying to form relations with a horse!”
“Excuse me!” coughed Percy. “For the record, there were no relations being formed in that carriage! It didn’t look good, I admit, but it was all accidental!”
“I second that,” piped up the Prince.
“Welcome to my Palace,” the Evil Queen arose to pace about in front of her prisoners. “This has been a long time coming, hasn’t it?”
“I suppose,” grumbled the Prince. “You have a fine palace.”
“And fine dungeons!”
“Oh yes, yes quite.”
“What do you want with us?” Percy asked firmly.
“Oh!” the Evil Queen sighed as one of her servants appeared and wrapped a long towel around Archie. “So much to decide! Should you be executed? Or allowed to live here with me? In the dungeons, obviously.”
“Obviously,” said Percy.
“I could make exceptions of course,” she smiled sweetly at them.
“I am not marrying you,” insisted Percy. “Execute me now if that is your intention!”
“Oh, my dear,” the Evil Queen stroked Percy on the nose. “You had your chance to marry me all that time ago and you threw it away!”
“I know,” Percy nodded, feigning sadness. “But I just wasn’t ready to commit.”
“I understand my sweet,” she rubbed his neck. “You were too young.”
“And a horse,” added the Prince.
“You were immature.”
“And a horse.”
“I don’t hold that against you,” she added. “But who knows what might happen now our paths have crossed again?”
“He’s still a horse!”
“And then there’s you!” the Evil Queen abruptly rounded on the Prince. “You could rule the Realm alongside me?”
“Not a chance.”
“We shall see.”
“No way!”
“What about the whole Realm?”
“What makes me think you’d ruin the place?”
“I intend on annexing all the peace-loving territories. My forces are just awaiting my command.”
“Your forces were much reduced during the last war,” the Prince raised an eyebrow.
“I might have made reinforcements,” she grinned.
“I don’t like the sound of this,” Percy sighed.
“My reinforcements won’t fold like my previous armies!” she cackled. “You will see!”
“We have no armies ourselves,” replied the Prince. “I’ve been abroad for months trying to solve various mysteries and combat the likes of Archie posing as a puppet master and in his latest contrivance! I am sure we could come to an agreement?”
“Like?”
“Peace?” the Prince sank to his knees in exhaustion.
“Peace?” smirked the Evil Queen. “I suppose.”
“Too many people and creatures have perished during these infernal wars. I put it to you that we sign a treaty of peace so that a democratic senate rules over the Realm, that we unite it like the old days and reinstate all the former trading agreements for the prosperity of all involved.”
“Pah!” the Evil Queen sneered. “What would I have to gain from that?”
“Peace,” nodded the Prince. “Not having to look over your shoulder or fear enemy attacks.”
“My way forward means absolute power over the whole Realm,” the Evil Queen licked her lips. “Why would I want anything different?”
“I am offering you a chance for peace,” the Prince bowed his head. “One final time.”
“No Prince, I decline your offer and, from how I see it, you are in no position to make offers. However, I am.”
“Then you have signed your own death warrant.”
“Sire,” began Percy. “As much as I admire your pacifist stance, I think we should abandon any sensible settlement with the Evil Queen. She is clearly unhinged and will go to her grave when we inevitably prevail.”
“I have foreseen her death,” bellowed the Mirror. “Soon as well.”
“What?” the Evil Queen turned on her heels and strode up to the Mirror in anger. “I think you could’ve told me that before we had company?”
“I like to spring the odd surprise.”
“The odd surprise? My demise? That’s a bloody shock!”
“I knew I should have kept it to myself.”
“You are my Mirror! You should be totally honest with me!”
“Well, I have been prone to the odd fib or flattery over the years…”
“What are you talking about?”
“When you look at yourself, you’re often convinced you look much younger than you really are. That’s my doing.”
“I’m going to have you dismantled,” the Evil Queen roared.
“Good luck without me.”
“I will deal with you later!” the Evil Queen wagged a cautionary finger at the Mirror before turning back to the Prince. “As for you my dear Prince, you and your horse can spend some time in the dungeon while I reflect on what must be done.”
“Who are your reinforcements?” Percy demanded.
“Vikings,” she announced casually. “Berserkers to be precise.”
“Berserkers?” Percy was dismayed. “The most bloodthirsty Vikings around! Are you crazy?”
“Hah!”
“Stupid question.”
“They will enable me to rule the Realm unchallenged!” she declared.
“But they’re mindless, ruthless savages!” cried Percy. “They kill or maim without discrimination! Letting them loose on the population of the Realm is highly irresponsible and cruel.”
“Too late,” shrugged the Evil Queen pitilessly. “Things are already underway!”
“Madam!” protested the Prince. “I beg you to reconsider. This is excessive, even by your standards!”
“Perhaps you should have kept that in mind when you became a thorn in my side!”
“I never thought you would do something of this lunacy!”
“She won’t be told!” spoke up the sprite in the Mirror. “I’ve been through this with her. She’s a fool to herself! I explained what the risks were!”
“Keep your opinions to yourself!” the Evil Queen screeched. “They’ll pillage and vandalise the entire Realm,” continued the Mirror. “And then what next? They won’t stop there! They’ll likely ransack this very Palace.”
“I must say,” smiled Percy. “I am starting to warm to this Mirror, despite her allegiances. She speaks a lot of sense.”
“Your Mirror is right!” said the Prince. “Bring in the Berserkers and you will be overthrown! I’ve heard the stories of their infinite reserves of mindless thuggery.”
“They fear my magic,” smiled the Evil Queen. “And that of the Warlock.”
“The Warlock?” the Prince was aghast. “You’re bringing him into all this mess?”
“A dotty old man with a drink problem?” Percy exclaimed. “And one you barely like or respect yourself?”
“Hang on!” a thought had occurred to the Prince as he surveyed the room. “Where is the Warlock? We’ve not seen him for ages?”
“Never you mind,” the Evil Queen looked crafty.
“Oh no sire,” Percy turned to the Prince gloomily. “I’m sensing another heavily contrived and ridiculous plot twist.”
“Contrived Percy?”
“Yes sire, like all of Archie’s alter egos?”
“Ah, yes I see your point. Let us not get worried about it now. I am sure it will be revealed in the fullness of time. When circumstances are precarious and far more dangerous than currently.”
“I’d say things were rather precarious and dangerous now sire.”
“Then we can all roll our eyes and say ‘drat’! It was the Warlock all the time’!”
“I suppose so sire.”
“Really Percy?” the Prince was exasperated. “It’s not like you to be so defeatist?”
“Just being practical sire.”
“Really? Oh, hang on…I see, I see!”
“What are you on about sire?”
To everyone’s surprise, the Prince reached towards the fireplace and grabbed a poker which he instantly whacked Percy around the nether regions with.
“Sire? Aaargh!”
“What are you doing?” demanded the Evil Queen. “If there’s going to be any reckless sadistic violence around here, I’ll be doing it!”
“Thought you could fool me did you?”
The Prince, to the shock of all gathered, hit his faithful steed again but this time with more gusto.
“Sire?!” yelped Percy. “What are you doing?”
“Don’t give me that ‘sire’ nonsense!” the Prince crossed his arms having replaced the poker on the hearth of the fireplace. “You are the Warlock masquerading as Percy!”
“No, I am not!” wailed the poor horse.
“It explains everything perfectly you duplicitous traitor!”
“How?” Percy was gobsmacked.
“You took umbrage with Dandini and then left me in the lurch! I see it all now! That was part of a grand plan to eventually trick and capture me!”
“I think you’re giving her a lot of credit,” remarked the Mirror.
“I don’t know how you’ve done it!” the Prince wagged a finger at Percy. “Witchcraft most likely!”
“Sire, I can assure you that you’re barking up the wrong tree!”
“I just dread to think what’s happened to the real Percy!”
“I am sure I am fine sire.”
Elsewhere in the Realm, the Evil Queen’s General was greeting their new allies. He stood looking out to sea by the mouth of a river.
“I think I see them,” he told his second in command. “Several long boats approaching.”
“Sir, would it be soldierly to confess that I am scared?”
“No.”
“Sir, I am. I’ve heard the rumours about these Vikings.”
“Don’t believe everything you hear,” the General told him before putting binoculars to his eyes. “Yes, it’s them. But…why aren’t they wearing anything?”
“Sir?” his eyes widened.
“They’re not even wearing armour,” the General passed his second in command the binoculars.
“My word!” he gasped after peeking through the binoculars. “They’re brazen!”
“And huge.”
“Well, I’m not in a position to judge sir…”
“I think the Evil Queen might have made a mistake here. Going into battle without your clothes is not the done thing. You could have your bits and pieces permanently damaged.”
“Maybe it’s a psychological thing?” wondered the other man. “To psyche out their enemies?”
“I bloody well hope not!” the General growled. “I’m not going into combat with my testicles swinging about, ready to be cut off!”
“No,” gulped his second in command. “I wouldn’t like to risk that.”
The General produced his hip flask and took a deep swig of whisky from it. The long boats, about ten of them in total, were now only about a hundred yards away from them. A berserker, presumably their leader, stood at the front of it with his hands on his hips glaring menacingly at them. Unfortunately, his private parts were on show.
“I do wish they’d put some clothes on,” said the General.
“Perhaps it’s a tactical manoeuvre,” suggested his second in command. “To distract their enemies?”
“Being stark bollock naked, they’re going to distract everyone!”
“Sir,” the second in command lowered his voice, aware that the boats were close. “Where are they going into battle first? The Kingdom we are currently in is loyal to the Queen.”
“I don’t know,” the General shrugged. “I was told to greet them and escort them back to the Palace. I suspect we won’t be witnessing their brutal warfare for a while yet.”
The leader of the Berserkers was now standing proud, for want of a better expression, at the head of his long boat and saluting the General.
“You are here to meet us?” he said in a gravelly voice.
“Yes,” the General replied. “I am to take you to our leader.”
“The Evil Queen?” the man half laughed. “I’ve heard some stories about her.”
“Now don’t you go getting any funny ideas,” the General said as the leader of the Berserkers leapt up on land.
“Funny ideas?” he growled.
“You’re here as mercenaries,” insisted the General. “That is it.”
“We shall see,” the leader leant forward with an outstretched hand. “My name is Hammerhell, I am the leader of the Berserkers. Well, for the time being anyway.”
“I hear the Berserkers change leaders a lot,” the General shook his hand.
“Every few months, usually following combat.”
“Not this time,” the General assured him. “Your mission here in this Realm will be relatively simple. The subjects will be terrified of you.”
“I heard different,” Hammerhell shook his head indignantly. “I was told about talking horses, terrorist children in forests and a dirty shepherdess?”
“Some of them are no longer with us or a threat.”
“Oh shame,” Hammerhell took the General aside out of earshot of the others. “What about this dirty shepherdess? The men were particularly interested in her?”
“She’s a rarely used character now. Very peripheral I am afraid.”
“Oh, that’s disappointing.”
“But, your men shouldn’t have to go into battle all that much.”
“Oh, that’s a shame, they love fighting the most!”
“They might although the Realm is quite peaceful,” said the General.
“What about the terrorist teenagers? They liked the sound of Gretal!”
“She’s underage,” the General wisely said.
“That won’t matter to the men!”
“It might to Prince Charming if he should defeat you.”
“Well, that’s charming!”
Unsurprisingly, the Evil Queen was watching all this using the Mirror from her Palace.
“What now?” the Mirror sighed. “What are you offended by or taking personally this time?”
“The assumption that Prince Charming will somehow defeat me?” she squealed back.
“He might,” the Mirror was blunt. “He has his supporters all over the Realm. You forget, the Berserkers are brutal warriors but they don’t know the place. They could easily be ambushed or picked off.”
“Oh, thank you for the morale boost!”
“Just being realistic.”
“You will see just how successful this venture is!” the Evil Queen insisted stubbornly.
“Perhaps I shouldn’t cover their early moments during the invasion of the Realm?” suggested the Mirror. “It might make you anxious. Maybe we should give it a couple of weeks once they’ve butchered half the population?”
“I suppose so,” sighed the Evil Queen.
Back with the Berserkers and the General had a few questions of their leader Hammerhell as the rest of the long boats were moored along the coastline.
“So don’t they have clothes where you come from?” he inquired.
“Oh, you mean because we’re all naked?”
“Yes.”
“We do sometimes wear clothing,” shrugged Hammerhell. “On special occasions or during the high winter when we don bearskins.”
“I see.”
“But it’s quite warm in this Realm.”
“Have you brought any bear furs with you?”
“No need.”
“Oh for furs sake…”
“I fear you buy into the myth that we are savages?” Hammerhell raised an eyebrow at the General.
“Not at all! Not at all…” the General went pink. “I just wondered why you weren’t dressed like normal, civilised folk?”
“We are just a bit different, that’s all. We have our own cultures and customs.”
“I see.”
“Now, a few things need to be raised otherwise my men won’t feel at home.”
“Okay, what?”
“We will need a sauna.”
“A what?”
“It’s a large room, heated by log fire.”
“We have logs.”
“Right, I feared this might be the case. Nevertheless, my men can build one. My plan is to moor half my boats here and send the rest up the river which I am guessing leads to the Evil Queen’s castle?”
“It does!”
“Excellent, but before we do that, we must eat.”
“The Queen was planning a banquet for you.”
“That is wonderful however we haven’t eaten since yesterday,” he clicked his fingers at one of his men who turned around to the other boats.
“Smorgasbord!” he cried so that the word was met with notable enthusiasm and there was frenetic activity on all the boats.
One of Hammerhell’s men approached him with a picnic basket and threw a rug on the grass, encouraging him to sit while he unpacked the basket.
“What is ‘smorgasbord’? asked the General.
“You will see…” Hammerhell took a piece of the rye bread offered to him and piled up some smoked salmon onto it before shovelling it into his mouth.
“Is that it?”
“Oh yes!” said Hammerhell prior to adding a piece of caviar topped rye bread and cream which he chewed up hungrily.
“Looks lovely,” remarked the General.
“Try some, try some!” insisted Hammerhell.
The General apprehensively took a slice of rye bread and spread some mackerel from a pot onto it before biting.
“Vodka!” called Hammerhell so that one of his men emerged from the long boat. “And hasselback!”
The General was warming to proceedings as he washed down his mackerel with the vodka which was infused with berries.
“And you dine like this daily?” he asked of Hammerhell.
“Yes, after sauna.”
“What is the sauna and why?”
“It’s a steam room which is good for the pores of the skin,” explained Hammerhell.
“I would very much like to see inside your vessel,” the General said after a man appeared from the long boat with a steaming pile of potatoes.
The potatoes intrigued the General for they had retained their skins and looked to have been roasted with a fan shape on the top. With a look of fascination, he picked one up and bit into it.
“You like?” Hammerhell asked.
“Delicious.”
A sauna was quickly erected by a few of his men and in full working order by that evening. It was located on the edge of the coast so all the Berserkers used it along with the General who very much enjoyed it.
“I feel incredibly relaxed,” he said as he emerged from the wooden hut wearing only a towel to the waist.
“May I try it?” asked his second in command who was finishing his eighth berry infused vodka.
“You go ahead!”
His second in command, to the General’s slight surprise, immediately removed his clothes and sprang into the hastily constructed sauna.
For a journey that should have been completed within twenty four hours, it was a surprise when the General and the Berserkers finally arrived at the Evil Queen’s castle a whole week later.
“Why have they taken so long?” the Evil Queen demanded of the sprite in her mirror.
“No idea,” she replied. “We agreed not to monitor them, remember?”
“Pah! They’d better be all they’re cracked up to be!”
“I have been keeping an eye on them,” confessed the Mirror.
“You have?” the Evil Queen snarled. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I was merely curious that is all,” replied the Mirror. “They are different to how I expected.”
“They are?” the Evil Queen sounded disappointed.
“Yes, they are certainly more civilised than one would have thought. They’re quite refined and cultivated in fact.”
“What about as warriors?”
“Well I cannot testify to that,” the Mirror replied. “They’ve not gone to battle yet, have they?”
“The proof will be in the pudding,” shrugged the Evil Queen prior to adding. “What did you mean ‘refined’?”
“They are most civilised,” explained the Mirror. “They like to eat their own foods which seem to be mostly cured or smoked. Their long boats are extremely capacious and fast. Technologically they are far advanced than anyone in our Realm. They eat things like caviar off their own bread which is similar to sandwiches but these food items are preserved in the pantries on their boats. I have never seen the like of it!”
“Why’s that all so refined?”
“It means they can travel long distances and sustain themselves on their journeys. That makes them a formidable fighting force. Indeed, I am not sure they will require much assistance from your army.”
“Sounds promising.”
“And the Berserkers are infinitely more hygienic than I would have expected. They bathe regularly and use this thing called a ‘sauna’.”
“What’s that?”
“A steam compartment in which they repose,” the Mirror said after a few seconds of thought, aware she might sound odd.
“What?”
“It is log fired and the steam is created using water on the fire inside so that the room fills up with thick, warm air.”
“Why do they do that?” she was scornful.
“Apparently it’s good for the pores of the skin,” said the Mirror.
“Is it?” this caught the imagination of the Evil Queen who immediately consulted the Mirror, examining her cheeks and eyes.
“They all look very healthy.”
“Do they?” she applied some blusher to her cheeks.
“Yes, they’re muscular or lean or athletic and appear so much younger than their equivalents in this Realm.”
“Ooh how exciting!”
More blusher was applied.
“I get the nasty feeling that you will be successful in this war you are waging.”
“’Nasty?’” asked the Evil Queen.
“Nobody in their right mind would want you to rule the whole Realm.”
To be continued…
Athon 