So here we are for another exciting episode in the Prince Charming series. I would give them up but the public demand is immense. T-shirts with Percy on them are selling hand over fist. People are queuing overnight just to await the next free download. Archie has become a national hate figure. The Prince is a style icon.
Percy has horses everywhere talking. The Dwarf draws sympathy from all over the place and as for ‘The Big Fist’…well actually he’s too new to have a following.
Although people do keep poking him on ‘Facebook’.
We’re in the middle of the notorious war tearing up the realm. The Prince
has returned from the land of the Fairies in an attempt to overthrow the evil Prince Regent who has rather naughtily and irresponsibly been annexing the Kingdom.
He’s imprisoned the Mermaid from the Sea Kingdom and is under attack from most quarters. Power mad that one. Otherwise, let’s hope the Brothers Grimm don’t have any living relatives who can sue. If they do, I don’t have any money but you are perfectly welcome to my overdraft. As we’re currently in the “credit crunch” I believe you can have it at a lower rate of interest. But I digress…
In the Palace the Prince Regent sat on his throne whilst the Minstrel played his lute to calm his nerves.
“There was a weary Prince Regent…” he began singing.
“I’m the King!” argued Archie.
“Really sire?” the Minstrel stopped plucking his lute and frowned. “I thought
that technically, as the King is still alive, you remained as Prince Regent?”
“I’m the King!”
“But…”
“I’m the King!” a murderous glint appeared in Archie’s eye.
“There was a weary King,” sang the Minstrel as he began picking his lute
once again.
“I’m not weary!” Archie snapped.
“You look weary,” observed the Minstrel.
“No I don’t!”
“You’ve got bags under your eyes.”
“I draw your attention to my royal portrait!” Archie pointed to the corner of the room where an oil painting was hung. “There are no bags under my eyes!”
The Minstrel went over to the portrait of Archie where the Prince Regent,
wearing a white wig and in full armour, stared defiantly back.
“But you threatened the Royal portrait painter with disembowelment! You look about ten years younger and you are far more muscular in this thing!”
“Rubbish!” Archie scowled at him.
“And your ears are much smaller!”
“Listen to me Minstrel!” Archie glowered. “I’ve had a very stressful week. Don’t wind me up any further!”
At that moment the Sorcerer entered the court and approached the Prince
Regent.
“Good evening sire!” the Sorcerer greeted him with a slight bow. “I’m sure you’ll be delighted to hear that mother and baby are fine!”
“Are you kidding me? That child is the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen! Just
imagine the years of bullying that lie ahead for the blighter.”
“I have to admit, he hasn’t exactly been blessed with beauty.”
“Or symmetry.”
“Well anyway sire,” the Sorcerer shrugged. “We’ve had some bad news from the river. The Pirate ship is sailing up it and the people of the Sea Kingdom have been slaughtering your armies. Apparently they are in possession of a new fangled weapon.”
“What new fangled weapon?” Archie’s face fell.
“It’s called a harpoon gun.”
“I bet that bloody horse is at the bottom of this!” Archie groaned. “Right,
block off the river. Sandbag it! Just halt their progress!”
“I will do sire!” the Sorcerer bowed and swiftly exited the court.
“If it isn’t one thing, it’s another!” complained Archie.
“Nobody said war was easy,” replied the Minstrel. “You’re lucky that only the Pirates have taken umbrage with you. What if the Giants or Barbarians decide to seek retribution?”
“The giants?” he gulped.
“Yes! They mostly keep themselves to themselves but if you pick a fight with them, who knows what chaos they’ll cause. Same for the Barbarians.”
The Dragon was flying Northwards and away from the Pirate ship, heading upstream to where it was rumoured Vasterbalk and his army were marching on them.
“Who is this Vasterbalk chap?” the Prince asked of the others as they sat on the Dragon’s back.
“He’s a very dodgy guy,” explained the Dwarf. “Whatever you do, don’t let him take you prisoner!”
“I thought that was just a myth!” cried Hilary in surprise.
“On the contrary!” the Dwarf replied. “You should see the dungeons after
he’s finished interrogating his prisoners!”
“Sadistic is he?” the Prince grimaced.
“Eh well…more masochistic I suppose,” the Dwarf and Hilary exchanged
knowing looks. “The amount of bleach we’d have to buy!”
“Eh?” the Prince frowned. “Shall we issue everyone with poison in case we are caught by him? Just to avoid the horrors of it all?”
“I don’t think anything should be consumed if you’re taken prisoner by
Vasterbalk,” Hilary shook his head indignantly.
“Well I don’t care what kind of weird methods of torture he likes!” began the Prince. “If I am caught, he won’t take the piss out of me!”
Suddenly Percy cried out and pointed one of his hooves downwards. In the fields beneath them was a battalion, led by the odious Vasterbalk who marched at its head brandishing a broad sword. Behind him the soldiers were towing along several cannons.
“There he is!” shouted the Dwarf. “That’s him!”
“Flipping heck!” the Prince stared down. “He’s nearly as ugly as you.
Nearly.”
The Dragon was commanded to circle above the battalion which he did a
little unhappily.
“My wings resemble a pair of colanders!” he whined. “And now you want to put me in the firing line of more cannons?”
“Just breathe fire on them!” the Prince ordered the Dragon.
“Can’t we be diplomatic for once?”
“No, this is war!”
“War? Well in this war it seems as if I’m the only one who ever gets
wounded! Can’t we share that privilege out a bit?”
Nevertheless, the Dragon breathed a ball of flames at the battalion so that
there were screeches as they began running for cover. Vasterbalk was not so
intimidated and lit the fuse on one of the cannons.
An almighty explosion boomed out across the fields. A large agonising
scream followed.
“Oh what a shock!” the Dragon rolled his tearful eyes as his right wing was engulfed in flames.
He tried flapping his wing to extinguish the fire but was unsuccessful. Nose diving towards a nearby forest, the others all held on for dear life as Vasterbalks battalion continued towards the river.
The fire finally went out as the Dragon collapsed through the branches of the trees in the forest. The others all fell through the undergrowth whilst the Dragon stared forlornly at the remains of his right wing.
“I won’t be able to fly anymore!” he complained as the others all joined him in a clearing.
“This is bad!” the Prince shook his head sadly. “Vasterbalk and his men will surely attack the Mermen and the Pirates. We can’t even send word to warn them!”
“What about my wing?”
“And,” added the Dwarf. “If the Captain and his crew fall into the hands of Vasterbalk he’ll have his wicked way with them!”
“What about my wing?”
“We must get back to the river and help them!” Hilary cried.
“My wing?”
“Yes,” Percy nodded at ‘The Big Fist’. “But don’t you recognise this place? Do you realise where we are?”
“Sod the lot of you!”
“No Percy,” Hilary shook his head blankly. “Where are we?”
“The forest containing the Babes!”
“Babes?” the Dwarf grinned.
“Not those type of Babes,” the Prince gulped. “The Babes in the Wood!”
“Oh dear…” the Dwarf began sweating. “They’re not your biggest fans are
they?”
“No, since bloody Archie made the decision not to help them when they were lost! If they capture us we are in big trouble!”
“They’re just babies though!” the Dragon half laughed.
“Not anymore,” explained the Dwarf. “They grew up! They’re juvenile
delinquents! Nobody gets through this forest without being caught and robbed.
They’ve booby trapped the whole place!”
“I’m really going off this whole adventure!” the Dragon protested. “What happened to the good old days? Going about the Kingdom and laughing at Archie? These days everything has to be so tricky.”
“I think our constant ridiculing of Archie is why we’re in this mess,” Percy
swished his tail.
They headed cautiously through the thick woodland, hoping they might be near the edge of the forest.
Meanwhile at the river, Vasterbalk’s battalion had attacked the Pirate ship.
Both the Pirates and the Mermen were forced to retreat back downstream as Vasterbalk surveyed a long line of prisoners captured from the opposition forces including the Captain.
“I will be taking you to a nearby fort where,” Vasterbalk eyed the Pirate
with a sinister lick of the lips. “You will be detained indefinitely. If you obey me, you will find me a fair host. But if you don’t submit to my demands, I might get a little tetchy! And you won’t like me when I’m tetchy!”
The prisoners were all issued with bottles of water to gulp down before being put in chains and marched away from the river by Vasterbalk’s men.
Word of Vasterbalk’s success reached the Palace where the Prince Regent was very relieved. Not in a Vasterbalk way I might hasten to add.
“Excellent!” he clapped his hands together.
“I know sire,” nodded the Sorcerer.
“Any word of the treacherous Dwarf or that bloody horse?”
“Yes,” the Sorcerer nodded. “It would seem that the Dragon has been badly wounded thus meaning their main mode of travel has been ruined.”
“Great! Their little attack has been split up! Where is Vasterbalk now? I
want him back here.”
“He’s eh…” the Sorcerer reddened. “He’s interrogating the prisoners.”
“He’s doing what?” Archie groaned.
“Interrogating the prisoners.”
“Oh yes and we all know what that means don’t we? Send a messenger to tell him to get here straight away. We haven’t got time for his disgusting little perversions. Afterall, it’s not hygienic! I can’t have him going down with some ghastly infection.”
“I’ll see to it,” the Sorcerer cleared his throat prior to continuing. “On to
another point sire. Princess Helena intends on naming her newborn baby after
you.”
“Oh no she’s not!” Archie spat. “People might think I’m the father! It’s bad enough that I had to put my hands near her lady bits! No way! What would my betrothed think?”
“Betrothed?”
“The Mermaid of course!”
“I don’t think the Mermaid is quite your betrothed,” the Sorcerer stared
over to the huge glass bowl full of water in the corner where the Mermaid was sat at the bottom with her back to them. “You might need a Plan B on the marriage front sire.”
“Oh yes and who did you have in mind?”
“Princess Helena’s sister is available?”
“And for a damn good reason! No, my aquatic bride-to-be will soon see
sense.”
“Okay sire,” conceded the Sorcerer. “You’re the Prince Regent…”
“King!”
“Well of course,” the Sorcerer rolled his eyes in disbelief as Archie went to admire his self-portrait.
“So where is Percy now then?” Archie picked a speck of dust off the
painting. “Only his death will stop the prophecy coming true!”
“They have fallen into the forest,” the Sorcerer replied. “The one containing the Babes.”
“The Babes? The Babes? And you’re here telling me about Princess Helena’s pig ugly sister?”
“Not those type of Babes. The Babes in the Wood.”
“The Babes in the Wood?” Archie excitedly turned to his advisor. “Excellent!”
“They hate the Prince, don’t they?”
“Yes sire, because they hold him responsible for deserting them when they were originally lost all those years ago.”
“Hang on! Credit where credit’s due! That was my decision!”
“I know sire, you were acting on his behalf,” the Sorcerer cast his mind
back. “That didn’t make you very popular in the Kingdom. A lot of your subjects
thought it was heartless.”
“Little old me?”
“Yes, callous even.”
“Well I was busy!” replied Archie indignantly. “I figured that they had
already perished so there wasn’t much point in sending anyone to help.”
“Anyway sire, I don’t imagine the Prince and his group will be getting out of the wood any time soon.”
“Good!” suddenly Archie stopped and frowned at his advisor as if he had
remembered something. “By the way! I poked you on ‘Facebook’ the other day and you ignored me! Why haven’t you accepted me as one of your friends?”
“Did you sire?” the Sorcerer innocently replied.
“Yes I did! Why haven’t you responded?”
“There must be some misunderstanding sire,” the Sorcerer shrugged. “I’m not even on ‘Facebook’. I’m more of a ‘MySpace’ kinda chap.”
“No! It’s definitely you! There’s a picture of you standing over a cauldron!”
“No, that can’t be me sire.”
“But you’re the only Sorcerer in the entire kingdom!”
“Oh dear,” sighed the Sorcerer to begin heading out of the court. “It must be an impostor. A clear case of identity theft.”
Our not so merry band of plucky adventurers wandered through the forest as night fell. Every snap of a twig made them jump. Every gust of wind made their hearts skip a beat.
“I can’t wait until we get out of here!” hissed ‘The Big Fist’.
“But Hilary,” began the Prince. “You’re the foremost assassin in the realm! Why are you scared?”
“The Babes know no mercy!” Hilary’s voice shook. “They’re notorious! Do you remember? They took Rumpelstiltskin hostage and demanded a ransom!”
“Yes Hilary,” admitted Percy. “But while you have to applaud their
audacity on the kidnapping front, it wasn’t very clever business wise.”
“Why?”
“Because nobody paid the blood ransom. No bugger liked Rumpelstiltskin. Hence nobody came to his aid!”
“So what happened to Rumplestiltskin then?” asked the Prince.
“The Babes got fed up of waiting,” answered the Dwarf.
“Oh so they let him go?”
“No, they brutally slaughtered him.”
“Rumour has it,” added Percy. “That they ate his remains.”
It went quiet for a few moments as team morale took a bit of a dip.
“Well Hilary, at least we’re following your directions,” the Prince brightened up after a while. “There can’t be anyone better in the business at navigating his way around the kingdom.”
“True,” nodded Hilary as they reached a clearing where there was a tree
stump. “Now let’s take a left here.”
Hilary veered to the right.
“Did you mean right?” asked the Prince quickly as they followed.
“No left,” Hilary replied.
“But this is right!”
“I know.”
“And it’s not left.”
“Yes it is!”
They all stopped in the darkness.
“Hilary,” began Percy. “Do you know your left and right?”
“Of course I do!” sighed ‘The Big Fist’ tiresomely before indicating to his
left. “This is right…”
Team morale dipped lower.
“We’re bloody lost!” the Dwarf kicked the floor in frustration.
Suddenly, somewhere in the undergrowth, they heard footsteps. They all went for their weapons but there was a loud snap and a wooden cage fell through the air above them. A crash echoed about the forest as the cage fell over them thus trapping them all inside. In the moonlight they regarded one another in panic.
“Booby trap,” murmured the Prince.
“What have we here?” came a squeaky voice from the shadows followed by the sound of footsteps.
The spotty face of a male adolescent peered at them between the bars of the cage.
“Let us out immediately!” demanded the Prince. “Don’t you know who I
am?”
“Don’t sire,” Percy piped up.
“I’m Prince Charming!”
“Are you indeed?” the youth began laughing. “Well you’ve made a big
mistake wandering into this wood, haven’t you?”
The youth gave off a solitary shrill whistle before more footsteps could be heard and a girl appeared next to him.
“Sis!” the boy pointed at his prisoners. “You’ll never guess who we’ve
caught? Prince Charming!”
“Really?” the girl cackled as the Prince sighed. “Revenge is best served
cold!”
“Now come on!” the Prince tried reasoning with them. “What’s the beef?”
“You left us here to rot!” the boy spat contemptuously. “People begged for your help and you refused to send a search party! We were left here to perish!”
“But we didn’t,” the girl added. “We became one with nature.”
“Yes,” began Percy. “I wish the pair of you would put some clothes on. It’s most uncivilised.”
“Oh I don’t know,” the Dwarf came forward to the bars of the cage to see the well endowed girl a little better. “If that’s how they choose to live then who are we to tell them otherwise?”
“Listen, there’s been a big misunderstanding!” the Prince told the pair. “I
did not desert you. I wasn’t even around at the time. My deputy made the decision not to help you!”
“Who?” the girl asked as the cold air affected her nipples
and the Dwarf was agog.
“The Prince Regent! The person who is bringing misery to the realm!”
“He’s lying!” the boy insisted, his voice going up and down on every syllable.
“Let’s execute the whole lot of them!”
“No,” the girl turned to him. “Can’t you see his point?”
“I can see yours,” drooled the Dwarf before the Prince promptly kicked him in the shin.
“What?” the boy asked his sister.
“The realm is miserable!” the girl explained. “Everyone we capture tells us of the malevolent ruler. The Prince Regent! Don’t you see, if the Prince is telling the truth then it was the Prince Regent’s fault we were never found!”
“I suppose,” the boy picked one of his spots.
“I say we release them and help them,” the girl said.
The boy went to a nearby tree where a rope was dangling. He yanked on it so that the cage shot upwards thus enabling the others to walk free.
“You’re pretty shrewd customers,” Hilary admired their handiwork.
“What are your names?” asked the Prince.
“I’m Petula,” the girl introduced herself.
“What a lovely name,” said the Dwarf.
“And I’m Kevin,” squawked the boy.
Nobody responded.
“So what shall we do?” asked the Prince. “Do you want to join us?”
“Yes,” they both nodded excitedly.
“Better put some clothes on first.”
“Why?” asked Petula.
“Yeah why?” the Dwarf glared at the Prince.
“You can’t go around performing deeds of daring do with your cock hanging out,” the Prince shook his head ruefully at Kevin’s mid pubescent manhood. “There’s something unheroic about a penis.”
“But the only cloth we have are the blankets we were left in,” Petula told them. “They wouldn’t cover us up. Not now…”
“That should do,” remarked the Dwarf before another kick to his shin
occurred.
“I can tailor some garments from the leaves!” cried Hilary excitedly.
“Or how about I lend them some of my spare garments?” the Prince went to Percy and removed the saddlebags containing his possessions.
Half an hour later and much to the Dwarf’s disappointment, the Babes were
dressed in armour and the party began making their way from the forest as guided by Kevin who knew every inch of the way.
It was nearly dawn as the Captain of the Pirates shivered in the dungeon of Vasterbalk’s lair. It had been a torrid night. From various parts of the dungeon he’d heard the despairing cries of the other prisoners. He’d also heard the constant trickle of water thus making him believe it must be water torture that was being dispensed on those poor unfortunate souls. He awaited his fate with dread.
Light footsteps were audible outside his cell before he heard the bolts being drawn back and there followed a loud creak as the door opened. Standing in the doorway and visible in the dim candlelight of the cell was Vasterbalk. Dressed only in a pair of red leather shorts, he stood with his hands on his hips and winked at the Captain.
“Good morning Captain,” Vasterbalk smiled as he closed the door. “I saved the best until last.”
“It was nice of you to let me keep my rum,” the Captain took a sip from his flask as he eyed his captor fearfully.
“I want you to be nicely hydrated,” grinned Vasterbalk. “Did you drink the eight barrels of water I had sent down?”
“No,” the Captain was puzzled.
“Nevermind,” Vasterbalk lay down on the floor ahead of where the Captain was standing. “Now piss on me.”
“What?” the Captain choked on his rum.
“You heard. I want you to urinate on me.”
“Listen here shipmate, I don’t know what you think happens at sea but we drink our urine if we really have to but we certainly don’t piss on each other!”
“Oh come on! You know you want to!” Vasterbalk closed his eyes and began writhing about on the stone floor of the cell.
“Is this some kind of trick?” the Captain eyed him suspiciously.
“Just get on with it!”
“I see.”
The Captain used his wooden leg to stamp down on Vasterbalk’s groin so
that a blood curdling scream much louder than any other that had been heard
during the night echoed about the dungeon.
As the Sun arose on the horizon, Kevin led the party out of the forest and across the fields. The subdued atmosphere had been replaced by one of optimism as they marched onward and upward.
“So let’s get to the river and see if we can stop Vasterbalk’s battalion,” the Prince said. “If we can beat them, I think we can make headway towards the Palace and storm it!”
“Who is Vasterbalk?” squeaked Kevin.
“You don’t want to know,” the Dwarf shook his head.
“It’s weird being out of the wood,” Petula announced as she blinked at the sunlight. “This is all new to me.”
“Yes,” the Dwarf agreed. “There must be a lot of things you are curious
about and want to experience?”
“Too right!” nodded Kevin. “My voice has got really strange recently and
I’ve grown all these hairs in strange places. Plus, I’ve started masturbating while watching Petula doing her morning exercises.”
Understandably there was a stunned silence.
“You really needed to get out of that wood,” the Prince finally told him.
“And be integrated into polite society.”
“I’ve got lots of questions!” began Kevin.
“I dread to think,” remarked Percy.
“Firstly, I’ve been having all these urges!”
“Not to worry about them,” the Prince told him sympathetically. “Once
we’ve triumphed we can explain a lot of them to you.”
“We could take him to an Inn so he can get it all out of his system,” the
Dwarf tried reassuring Petula.
The band continued towards the riverbank. Looking up and down stream it was desolate. They walked down stream until they finally sighted the mast of the Pirate ship which had turned around to travel back towards the sea. They all hared after the ship.
“Hey stop!” cried the Prince as he rode on Percy along the riverbank.
“Where are you going?”
The ship’s mate popped his head over the side before calling for the anchor to be put down.
“Where’s the Captain?” asked the Prince as the ship was stationary.
“Captured!” replied the Ship’s mate sadly. “We’re going back to sea!”
“Come on!” the Prince cried. “Don’t give up! Turnaround and we’ll keep
going!”
“Oh no! We’ve heard what that Vasterbalk bloke likes to get up to!”
“That’s why we need to go back and stop his reign of terror!”
“Reign or rain?”
“Come on, let’s sail back upstream and rescue the Captain!”
“No need me hearties,” the Captain appeared from behind a tree on the
riverbank and beamed at the Prince and Percy. “I’ve already escaped!”
“Brilliant!” the Prince punched the air. “Let’s get the ship turned around
and go to battle!”
“Will this entail me getting wounded even more?” the Dragon eyed him
suspiciously.
“No of course not!” lied the Prince. “Now come on! We’re wasting precious time!”
“I don’t think we should,” the Captain shook his head profusely. “I’m not
sure I want to subject my crew to Vasterbalk!”
The others all caught them up so that the Captain turned to see Kevin and Petula in surprise.
“Who are these two?”
“The best renegades in the realm!” the Prince proudly claimed.
“Where’s your leg?” Kevin inquired of the Captain as he lit his pipe.
The Captain was about to explain until Percy neighed rather loudly.
“What’s wrong Percy?” asked the Prince, frowning at his faithful steed.
“Sire! I don’t like the look of this!” Percy nodded towards the field nearby.
They all did an about turn to look. On the horizon at the far end of the field a figure emerged. They all squinted to see it better. It was limping along with its arms outstretched. Suddenly they heard a woeful moaning sound and a nasty smell wafted up their nostrils.
“What the heck is that?” the Captain was perplexed.
“It’s skin is green!” cried the Prince.
“It’s a Zombie,” Percy shook his head regretfully. “Let’s just hope it’s the
only one.”
Unfortunately, about another ten arrived in the field. Otherwise, how else would this be exciting?
“What is a zombie?” asked the Prince.
“They’re the flesh eating undead!” Percy began stepping back. “Have we got
any cannons?”
“On the ship!” the Captain laughed in relief.
They all turned around to see that the ship had disappeared.
“Oh dear,” the Captain began drinking his rum. “They eat flesh you say?
They do look rather hungry.”
“It was a lot simpler,” began Percy regarding his master. “When you were struggling to get to grips with your sexuality and I was unsure of whether to talk or not.”
To be continued…
Athon 