To update the loyal and probably mentally unhinged readership of where exactly we are in the adventures of Prince Charming and the circumstances of the strange group of characters at loose in the Realm, one will try keeping explanations brief and concise.
Essentially the Prince and, lest we ever forget, his faithful steed Percy were still on the hunt for his rogue former servant Archie for a whole list of crimes including committing fraud to trick his way to success in the Realm referendum, leaving entire kingdoms to be enslaved by the Evil Queen, allowing a virus to run riot so that it killed thousands and became a full-blown pandemic. Amongst all that were other transgressions including dastardly murders, grievous propaganda on an industrial scale, beastliness of epic proportions and sexual deviance.
Basically, the Prince and Percy had decided that peace could only be brought back to the Realm if Archie was apprehended and tried in a court of law along with the maniacal Evil Queen.
On top of that, many other eccentric and dubious characters were running riot in the Realm and needed catching up with.
The Prince had his work cut out as you can imagine.
Rather conveniently in a Realm comprising of dozens of kingdoms each with thousand strong populations, the Prince and Percy had encountered by surprise Archie during their return back to their own palace. What a coincidence!
Of course, Archie wasn’t just travelling around the place, on his holidays or doing an honest trade. Oh no. He was up to no good. This time he had created a lucrative and phenomenally successful puppet show and form of live theatre using two puppets called Punch and Judy. In a nutshell, the show was rather simplistic as it involved Mr Punch and his wife Judy beating each other up using a range of imaginative methods for half an hour to the delight of a paying audience.
This sado-masochistic form of light entertainment had proved to be a massive success so that it had become a social and pop culture game changer. Men and women were now going home to replicate the behaviour on their significant others. Domestic violence was rampant and social discord had been rising sharply.
Fortunately, the originator had been chased down by the Prince and Percy. This led to, inevitably, Archie pleading for his life before turning the tables on them so that he was joined by Punch, Judy and Mr Plod. They took the pair of them hostage and were preparing to execute them when a fight broke out between the three henchmen which Archie used as a distraction to make good his escape.
The Prince and Percy were left to chase away Punch, Judy and Mr Plod into the night but remained crestfallen that their nemesis had evaded them yet again.
Nonetheless, following their latest adventure, they were exhausted and heading back to the Palace.
“We will have a few days of rest Percy,” yawned the Prince. “And then take up the search for Archie!”
“No doubt he’ll disappear off the radar again sire,” groaned Percy.
“He might do, he sure is slippery. It feels like ages ago since we began hunting him down.”
Their spirits were lifted as the Palace came into view on the horizon.
“Nearly there sire.”
“Yes, Percy! I cannot wait for a long hot bath. I miss Mr Duck.”
“Mr Duck sire?”
“My little rubber ducky.”
There was some activity outside the Palace as the royal servants were gathering in advance of their master returning. The trumpeter took up his instrument with a flourish from the tower on the East wing.
“I wish he wouldn’t make such a fuss,” the Prince murmured as there was a cheer and they found themselves surrounded by bowing and scraping. “It’s all so theatrical!”
A few minutes passed as the Prince did a lot of hand shaking, baby kissing and nodding approvingly at the royal cabbage patch. Finally, the crowd of servants dispersed to go about their daily duties. At this point the Chief Courtier approached the Prince looking a tad sheepish.
“Your Majesty,” he bowed his head solemnly. “Something strange happened during your absence.”
“Oh, what a surprise,” murmured Percy.
“Strange?” the Prince sighed. “How do you mean?”
“We have had a visitor sire.”
“Not the Evil Queen?” gasped the Prince. “So that my own subjects have been enslaved and my palace ruled by her?”
“Well not quite sire…” the Chief Courtier blushed. “Did you not witness your warm reception?”
“I’m afraid my lord is rather fatigued by recent events,” said Percy apologetically. “You can’t operate at his mental level for such a sustained period without a little bit getting by.”
“Understood.”
“And his mental capacity was never up to much anyway.”
“Wasn’t it by Jove?”
“No sire.”
“I see, right,” the Prince stuttered before continuing. “Anyway, what has happened?”
“I’m sure it’s nothing to compare to the horrors you have recently encountered,” said the Chief Courtier.
“Then why are you so downhearted my dear fellow?” the Prince clasped one of his cheeks.
“Well, it’s a bit awkward sire…”
“It is the Evil Queen, isn’t it?”
“No sire, no…but it’s a bit awkward. Sensitive you might say.”
“Oh no!” the Prince embraced the man. “Has she…? Oh no…I’ve heard the rumours…”
“What rumours?” the Chief Courtier and Percy both cried.
“That when the Evil Queen annexes a Kingdom she likes to torture the subjects!”
“No more so than any other invading tyrant?” Percy raised an eyebrow.
“But with her special brand of interrogation,” the Prince made a gesture using his hands.
“Oh that,” the Chief Courtier brushed it off. “The strap on?”
“My dear fellow! You say it like a man almost fatigued by it?”
“Please sire, can we not…” winced the Chief Courtier.
“Oh no! Does it hurt to sit down? There’s a knack to it you know!”
“Sire, I think we’ve…well…you’ve gone off on a tangent?” Percy swished his tail impatiently.
“I was just empathising with my Chief Courtier Percy,” the Prince gave the other man a squeeze before finally letting him go.
“I am confused your Majesty,” admitted the Chief Courtier.
“So she isn’t here then?” the Prince straightened up.
“No.”
“No?”
“No!”
“Oh,” the Prince could barely hide his disappointment.
“No, rather more surprising than that,” replied the Chief Courtier before explaining. “It happened a couple of days ago. A mysterious figure in a cloak approached the Palace gates and insisted on being given entry. I sanctioned it and demanded an immediate interview.”
“Did he…?” asked the Prince hopefully while repeating the same gesture with his hands as before.
“Who is it?” Percy snapped. “I dread to think.”
“Your former manservant sire,” shrugged the Chief Courtier.
“My word!” the Prince gasped. “Archie! Finally, we have got him!”
“I suspect not sire,” murmured Percy. “Why would he give himself up so easily when he knows how much trouble he is in?”
“Oh…” the Prince was downhearted before hopefully adding. “Maybe it’s him and he is seeking redemption or forgiveness?”
“Alas no sire,” the Chief Courtier shook his head firmly.
“But he was my former manservant?” the Prince was perplexed.
“Yet not your only one sire,” pointed out Percy.
Half an hour went by as the Prince paced up and down in the courtyard attempting to guess who the mysterious figure could be.
“Jeremy?” he asked.
“Dead sire,” replied Percy. “He was your Chief taster remember and was poisoned by that nasty business with the baked beans on toast, grated cheese and anthrax.”
“Oh…”
“Stupid fool,” remarked the Chief Courtier. “Who wants grated cheese on baked beans? No wonder he poisoned himself!”
“It might have been the anthrax that did for him,” pointed out Percy.
“Julian?” continued the Prince.
“Dead sire. Same night. Poor man was promoted one minute and dead the next after one spoonful of that lamentable chicken madras.”
“Isaac?”
“Dead.”
“And?” the Prince sought the reason.
“Syphilis.”
“No further questions…” he held his forehead thoughtfully. “There must be more…err…aha yes! Humphrey! Yes, good old solid as a rock Humphrey!”
“He resigned sire.”
“Did he? Well, we’ll soon see about that!”
“He didn’t want to serve under you and went away to become a holiday rep.”
“Did he, damn him!”
“He wasn’t the brightest sire.”
“Oh I see, like that is it? Well then…Jasper?!”
“Dead sire.”
“Dead?”
“Natural causes.”
“There seems to be a high mortality rate amongst my man servants!” snapped the Prince.
“It’s a challenging job,” conceded Percy before adding. “If only the one manservant we could do with perishing actually would sire.”
The Prince continued to pace back and forth, groaning and moaning in frustration.
“No, no,” he shook his head finally at the Chief Courtier. “You’ve definitely got me stumped. Who is it?”
“Coo-ee!” came a shrill voice from the North tower of the Palace as a window at the top was slung open.
“Oh no,” said Percy.
“I’m back!” said the man in the tower before retreating from the window and scurrying downstairs to come running out into the courtyard.
“Who is this?” the Prince turned to Percy in panic.
“Dandini sire.”
“Dan who?”
“Your one-time man servant.”
“Ooh hello your Majesty!” the aforementioned servant raced up to the Prince and immediately bowed before planting a kiss on both his hands.
The narrator feels obliged to describe Dandini to the reader to clear up any possible ambiguity regarding him and his dialogue.
He was of average height and of a slim build, clean shaven with a bald head. He wore large purple silk pyjamas and pointy toed pink boots. He had a curiously enthusiastic air about him. After all the embraces he finally stood opposite the Prince with a big and rather daft smile.
“Hello…err Dandini?” the Prince blinked at him, having now mastered his name, he was desperately trying to remember his face.
“Hello your Majesty!” he cried, bowing once more.
“Can we call you Dan?”
“No, your Majesty.”
“Dini?”
“No, please address me as you always have!”
“Well, okay, anyway,” the Prince cleared his throat before rolling his eyes at Percy. “Now, remind me, you were in my service for…?”
“Your Majesty!” chuckled Dandini who dug the Prince between the ribs so that he jumped up in shock. “Now don’t be a big tease!”
“A what tease?”
“A big tease!”
“Oh good, that’s what I hoped you’d said.”
“Yes sire! A big tease!” Dandini guffawed for an extraordinarily long time. “Pretending you can’t recall all those years together!”
“And how many years was that…exactly?”
“I have been in your service since you were an infant!”
The Prince turned to Percy who verified this with a short and sharp nod of his head.
“Oh right…” the Prince said before a thought occurred. “Then there’s something I am not quite clear about?”
“Yes, sire?”
“Yes, old buddy. Where exactly have you been all these years?”
“Ah well, I must apologize for my neglect,” he shook his head sheepishly. “It is most embarrassing.”
“More embarrassing than your clothes?”
“What sire?”
“Doesn’t matter. What happened?”
“I was dispatched on a vital mission.”
“Who by?”
“Archie.”
“Who then replaced you as my man servant presumably?”
“Yes!”
“And, so what was this vital mission?”
“He didn’t go into details. It was all very secretive. He just told me I must ride Northwards for the night and all would be revealed.”
“And?”
“I rode Northwards. Perhaps.”
“And then?”
“I got a little lost I think your Majesty.”
“I see,” the Prince shrugged. “And what role was Archie in at the time of your departure?”
“I believe he was the head stable boy,” interjected Percy.
“And he was promoted in your absence?” the Prince glanced at Dandini. “So he rose to a position of influence in the royal household!”
“Sounds like Archie,” remarked Percy.
“Yes it does,” agreed the Prince.
“Where is he now?” asked Dandini.
“Aha well! Funny you should ask!” began the Prince. “Archie has been a very busy boy indeed. You must have heard?”
“No?” Dandini blinked innocently.
“He’s divided the Kingdom, brought about a civil war! He then split the entire Realm up by forcing through the dissolution of the Realm Union! Surely you must have seen or heard some of this?”
“No sire, I have been living in a cave most of these years.”
“A cave?” the Prince frowned suspiciously. “You haven’t run into the Warlock at any point have you?”
“No, who is he?”
“Doesn’t matter, you luddite. Anyway, so you know absolutely nothing of what has been going on in the Realm?”
“No sire, I don’t. It all sounds very exciting, I must say!”
“Yes,” sighed Percy. “All very exhilarating and jolly.”
“Really?” Dandini’s eyes lit up. “Deeds of daring do?”
“Sort of…” shrugged the Prince.
“More like weeks of being on the road and sleeping rough,” Percy flared his nostrils.
“But…sleeping rough? You’re a horse?”
Nothing got past Dandini.
“Plus the exhaustion, the terrible weather, being obliged to go around challenging weirdos and sociopaths…” continued Percy morosely.
“But surely there are Inns and taverns and such things on the road for you to stay the night in?” asked Dandini.
“Rarely,” the Prince replied.
“So you have to sleep in bushes or hedgerows in the wild?”
“You catch on fast.”
“All snuggled up together!” said Dandini enthusiastically before slapping his raised thigh.
“Well not quite ‘snuggled’…” objected the Prince.
“No?” he slapped his thigh again.
“Er, what the hell was that?” the Prince asked about the slaps of the thigh.
“What?” Dandini was blank.
“Never mind.”
“I don’t think I’d mind going on the road as long as I was snuggled up close to one of you,” continued Dandini. “Sharing bodily fluids…”
“What?”
“I mean bodily warmth. Yes, that’s what I meant!”
There was another slap of the thigh.
“Sire,” Percy turned to the Prince. “May I have a word with you in private?”
“Yes, of course Percy,” the Prince nodded so that the pair of them retreated away from Dandini and spoke in low tones. “What’s up old friend?”
“Sire, call me Mr Negative…”
“Or…” the Prince grinned and gave him a nudge. “Mr Nagative?”
“Sire?”
“Mr Nagative? See I was making a pun out of the fact that…”
“I got that sire, nonetheless am I to understand that somehow we will end up being accompanied by Dandini and therefore let him become a close member of the royal household?”
“Yes perhaps…”
“And therefore come with us on our adventures across the Realm?”
“I suppose so yes Percy.”
“I see. I feared this might be a possibility.”
“Why?”
“I’m sorry sire but I think you’ve forgotten what having Dandini around is like on a daily basis. All the high pitched squealing, thigh slapping and complete inability to be discreet.”
“I must have blocked the middle one out,” sighed the Prince. “That’s a bit unnecessary.”
“I suspect it’s a legacy from his show business background sire.”
“His showbusiness background?”
“Yes sire, it’s a long story and I am sure he will bend your ear about it on one of our longer journeys.”
“You aren’t sounding particularly open to the idea of Dandini re-joining the team?”
“Re-joining sire? He was never in ‘the team’ as you call it in the first place!”
“Oh, well I will welcome the dear fellow back!”
“Okay sire fine.”
Percy galloped away in the direction of the Palace stables.
“I don’t know what’s got his goat!” exclaimed the Prince.
“He’s got a goat?” asked Dandini.
“No, why would he need a goat?”
“I thought maybe for…well you know…” Dandini then made a gesture using his left index finger and his cupped right hand.
“Dandini!” the Prince was astonished.
“What, sire?”
“Nothing, doesn’t matter.”
“I am oh soooo pleased to be back!” enthused Dandini.
Another loud and completely unnecessary slapping of his thigh occurred.
“I wish you’d stop doing that,” the Prince grimaced.
At that moment, a servant of the Palace emerged from within and marched up to the Prince looking rather nervous.
“Sire!” he bowed before his master.
“Yes Simmons?”
“I’m Popplestone sire.”
“Oh sorry. What is the matter?”
“It is Percy sire…”
“Oh? Yes?”
“He appears to be leaving the Palace your royal highness.”
“Leaving?”
“Yes sire, he’s asked for his bags to be packed and is readying to leave before dusk.”
“Has he explained why?”
“No sire. He’s just asked for a bag of oats and his book collection along with his backgammon board.”
“His backgammon board?”
“Yes sire. He must be serious.”
“My word. He must be.”
“I didn’t even know he played the game?”
“Well…”
“I mean, how? He only has hooves?” Popplestone shrugged.
“Anything is possible with Percy.”
“I thought you should know sire,” Popplestone bowed his head and retreated back in the direction of the palace. “A horse playing backgammon? How does he shake the dice?”
“Well…” the Prince scratched his head in confusion. “That’s rather a blow!”
“Is it?” Dandini slapped his thigh.
“Yes!” the Prince frowned. “Percy is my main man. My top adviser!”
“Oh now! Don’t be down-hearted!” Dandini took the liberty of slapping the Prince’s thigh although his hands did seem to land rather closer to the buttocks than might have been expected. “Let’s go and bond in the palace and discuss what to do next!”
Dandini triumphantly removed his upper garments before marching enthusiastically towards the palace entrance. The Prince, slightly taken aback, turned around almost as if he was about to address someone but then, having realised that Percy was no longer there, sighed and reluctantly followed in the wake of his former and now apparently latest man servant.
“So what does bonding entail?” the Prince asked Dandini in the palace as they sat at the dining table waiting for dinner.
“Oh, you know!”
“No, hence why I asked.”
“Well, we’ll have a few ales and then some goblets of red wine, sing some of the good old songs! Tell dirty stories…”
“This doesn’t sound like bonding,” frowned the Prince who was clearly unimpressed.
“Oh come on sire!” Dandini slapped his thigh which was some feat given it was beneath the dinner table. “Just like the old days this!”
“I think you have better memories of the old days,” the Prince remarked. “So, tell me then, what happened in that cave you mentioned?”
“Aha, well,” Dandini was guarded all of a sudden.
“Yes?”
“Many strange and mysterious things!”
“Mysterious?”
“Yes.”
“Go on?”
“So mysterious that I can’t…” he suddenly stopped.
“Remember?”
“No,” a blank look came over his face before he nodded profusely. “No, I can’t.”
“I thought so,” sighed the Prince before hurriedly shouting out. “Chief Courtier!”
“Yes sire!”
“I need Percy back here pronto!”
“But he’s gone sir? We’ll never get him back. A horse with no rider is so fast and he has several hours head start over any pursuer.”
“Where’s the royal carrier pigeon?” the Prince said after a few seconds of thought.
“Dead sire.”
“Dead?” the Prince was appalled. “How?!”
“It’s rather embarrassing sire…” the Chief Courtier stammered.
“There’s a lot around my palace that is ‘rather embarrassing’ since I returned! What the heck happened?”
“He was killed.”
“What? Who by?”
“There was a hunting party last spring…”
“Oh for crying out loud! He was a brilliant carrier pigeon!”
“Yes, a carrier in many senses of the word.”
“What?” the Prince was wondering where the royal executioner was.
“He was infested with e-coli and salmonella.”
“How disgusting!”
“Pigeons are classed as vermin sire,” the Chief Courtier seemed rather overly confident to preach to his master given recent revelations.
“And so what happened once he’d been shot out of the air?” the Prince grumbled between fuming exhalations.
“He was skewered over the hunting party’s fire, cooked and eaten.”
“I don’t believe it!”
“I hear he went very well with the bourguignon sauce.”
“So then,” the Prince gave him a very dirty look. “I trust he was replaced?”
“Yes, by a suckling pig…”
“What?” the Prince arose angrily. “Not replaced on the barbecue you half-wit! Replaced as in by an understudy pigeon? One to take over his role and carry important messages poste haste!”
“Ah yes well,” the Chief Courtier was doing a lot of sweating and gulping this evening. “It’s rather awkward you see your highness.”
“That’s what I will be telling your wife and children when they discover you’ve been brutally executed during the night…”
“Now sire, you know the hunting party, they can be over zealous and excitable chaps!”
“Badger baiting bastards.”
“They gave that up sire.”
“Oh good for them! Come on then, what next?”
“They had a new consignment of rifles, bows and arrows.”
“Why doesn’t that sound good…” the Prince held his head prior to picking up a goblet of red wine and downing it in one. “Hang on? Why exactly did they have a new supply of weapons?”
“The Civil War your highness,” explained the Chief Courtier who was fast planning on turning his own weapons on himself that night.
“And, rather than them, with their new found arms, going into battle with Archie and the Evil Queen, instead they farted about at home in the royal forest drinking wine, killing furry creatures and existing on a barbecue only diet?”
“That’s about it sire,” nodded the Chief Courtier.
“And next, go on…” the Prince slumped into his seat.
“They killed the understudy carrier pigeon.”
“The understudy carrier pigeon?” the Prince poured himself more wine. “What sauce did that go well with?”
“Chasseur apparently.”
“I see.”
“But, and I am most apologetic about this sire,” the Chief Courtier really needed a shovel. “However, I should have used the plural…”
“More than one understudy was killed?” the Prince’s mood had gone from dumbfounded outrage to gloomy resignation.
“About twenty of them. The whole set. It was a shame as they’d been in training for months.”
“Excellent.”
“But don’t worry sire,” the Chief Courtier punched the air which appeared a rather ludicrous gesture to be making at this juncture. “We have an unusual but quite brilliant upgrade as their replacement.”
“What? A carrier pheasant that the hunting party can’t wait to murder? An ostrich that ends up becoming a succulent kebab?”
“No, sire,” the Chief Courtier smiled smugly. “This carrier is a dog!”
“A dog?”
“Yes sire! You see, we had a meeting, put our heads together and thought outside the box! Dogs are quick, can recall well and hunt down their targets.”
“But are not renowned for flying.”
“We were thinking outside the box.”
“Right go on! This had better be good.”
“Here girl!” the Chief Courtier gave a shrill whistle.
Within seconds a small toy poodle had arrived in the room. The author feels compelled to describe the creature. It was about half a foot in height, strawberry red of hair and had big soppy brown eyes. It eyed the Prince anxiously and a little sadly.
“Sire! May I present your latest royal carrier! Rosie!”
“Right, I see,” the Prince gestured to the Chief Courtier to come towards him so that he could lower his voice. “I was expecting, when you said it was a dog, a beast? Something more robust. A greyhound or a beagle?”
“Oh no sire, the hunting party insisted on keeping their beagles. To hunt down foxes you know!”
“When this fiasco is all over and I re-take my Kingdom, I will ban fox hunting! In fact I shall ban all hunting!”
“Ah well,” the Chief Courtier nodded proudly as he murmured. “Rosie is the best in the business…”
“The competitive market place of carrier dogs…”
“She can track any creature over any terrain. She’s fast, clever, tenacious and, most of all, adorable. And brave.”
“And you propose to send this little dog off to deliver a message to Percy?” the Prince sat up in his chair and crossed his arms.
“Why not?”
“Be my guest!” the Prince arose while pouring himself another red wine. “But if Percy isn’t back here within a couple of days, we have some big problems!”
“Why sire?”
“Apart from my errant former manservant…not him!” the Prince cried as the Chief Courtier was about to indicate Dandini. “Apart from Archie running around the Realm impersonating people and corrupting entire kingdoms…while the Evil Queen plans to subjugate everyone in the place, I have lost my best friend and operator. I need him back!”
“I am back!” remarked Dandini.
“What?”
“You aren’t my best friend or operative.”
“Oh come, come sire!” Dandini welled up before reaching across and giving the Prince a half hearted slap on his thigh. “I’m your loyal servant and pal!”
“Rosie will track Percy down no problem sire!” the Chief Courtier stooped to stroke said toy poodle and she promptly growled at him.
“Not the most good natured of canines,” observed the Prince.
“What? Rosie! Oh no! She’s just keen to get on with the mission in hand. She’s a very sociable creature most of the time! You see, she was raised in a kennel as a breeding dog!”
“Oh I see,” the Prince collapsed in his chair again. “So she’s promiscuous? She’ll be mating with every fox, hound and wolf across the Realm while she’s supposedly meant to be finding Percy.”
“No sire, I assure you, she is focused on the job.”
“Good.”
“Excited to proceed! Like any creature on their first mission would be!”
“What? Are you telling me she’s not done this before?”
“Just out of training sire.”
To be continued in ‘Prince Charming & The Toy Poodle’…
Athon 