Prince Charming & The Dragon

“Run like buggery!” shrieked Archie.

Archie, Prince Charming and the Dwarf all scrambled down the craggy mountainside, dragging their steeds behind them who awkwardly followed.

“I want to go back!” complained the Prince stopping halfway down. “I’m sure the Kingdom can do without me. Surely there’s somebody else to slay dragons?”

“No, my lord,” Archie panted. “There’s been somewhat of a crime wave in the Kingdom. You should see the figures published by the King! Poisoned apples are up by thirty per cent, damsels wrongful imprisonments have doubled and Rapunzel is still stuck in that bloody tower!”

“Archie!” the distinctly unimpressed Prince folded his arms. “As fascinating as your statistics are, and much as I want to hear even more, we both know exactly why that sex crazed bint is locked in the tower.”

“Come on my lord!” Archie tugged on his arm. “We must get out of here. We must get you to your father’s palace and quick.”

“Okay Archie,” the Prince rolled his eyes and slowly followed. “But I think you’re getting over excited. They weren’t going to hurt you in there. They were just being friendly!”

“My liege,” Archie began quietly. “Since coming to this Godforsaken place and rescuing you a few things have happened. I’m not proud of some of the things that went on and would like to say that what went on in that land should remain between the three of us.”

“Now Archie,” began the Prince. “There’s no need to be ashamed of what…”

“Mum’s the word!” the Dwarf sharply interrupted him. “What happens on tour stays on tour!”

“I really do think the pair of you need to get over your prejudices!” the Prince eyed them both disdainfully. “Such toxic masculinity is rather depressing in this day and age!”

The three of them finally reached the foot of the hill and mounted their horses and mule in Archie’s case to canter away across the plains.

“I must say!” the Prince patted his horse. “It’s wonderful to see you again Percy! I really missed you.”

Archie glanced sideways at the Dwarf.

“Percy?” cried the Prince over the sound of the hooves beating the ground. “Not talking today old chap?”

“Eh no sir,” Archie quickly explained. “Percy has taken a vow of silence.”

“What?” frowned the Prince. “But he was always such a good companion. It was nice to have someone intelligent to talk with on our travels.”

“Ah but I’m afraid after you left he went all religious on us,” Archie continued. “He went off to a Monastery and returned refusing to talk. Apparently it gives him inner peace.”

“I see,” the Prince stroked the impostor’s head. “Well I’m sure he’ll snap out of it soon enough. If I had only you and a mule for company I’d probably do the same.”

“Yes, sir.”

“And you?” the Prince stared at the hideously ugly Dwarf. “Who are you?”

“I’m here to help get you back to the Kingdom safely,” the Dwarf bowed his head respectfully.

“Really?” nodded the Prince. “All part of lifting the curse is it?”

“What?”

“Performing charitable and virtuous deeds to lift the curse?”

“I don’t follow.”

They rode long into the dusk until the Prince became exhausted so that they set up camp for the night. Archie went fishing in a nearby lake and returned three hours later with just a little carp to show for his efforts. He cooked it over a fire as the Prince passed around his hip flask of whisky.

“You seemed to be enjoying yourself in the land of the Elves,” remarked Archie, his voice resonating disappointment.

“Oh yes,” the Prince replied cheerfully. “I was having a whale of a time until the pair of you decided to come over and save me! I really felt myself in there.”

“I bet you did.”

“So how’s my father then?” the Prince asked of Archie.

“Same little ray of sunshine as ever my liege.”

“Oh jolly good,” the Prince regarded the horse tied to a tree nearby.

“It’s such a shame that Percy doesn’t talk any more.”

“I know sire. A real tragedy.”

“You think so? As I recall, you always resented him talking.”

“Me my lord? Never!”

“I think you did Archie!”

“Me resent good old Percy answering back, habitually interfering and always having the last word? No, I thought it was charming that he could talk. After you left we had some great chats. We’d chew the fat long into the night.”

“Really?” the Prince seemed unconvinced.

“Yes, let’s not concern ourselves with it anymore. Percy is now mute, the subject is closed and we shall never, ever talk about it ever again. Okay, my liege?”

“Okay Archie,” the Prince said after a brief silence. “No need to get so agitated about it.”

“I’m not agitated sire,” Archie grabbed the hip flask and took a long draught of whisky while the fish caught fire.

The next morning the three of them rode towards the King’s castle. As they reached the gates, the locals all lined the streets, cheering them home and all bowing as the Prince passed. There was a round of applause to welcome the Prince home as he marched into the court. Reaching his father, who sat on his throne frowning at his son’s pink tights, he gestured for silence.

“My dear and wonderful subjects,” he began. “I am delighted to be back in the land of my birth. I must praise my loyal manservant Archie and this aesthetically challenged Dwarf who brought me back.”

The men of the court were about to start clapping once again before the King arose.

“Not so fast,” he said sternly so that there was a hush. “It appears that your oh so great manservant has been telling a few fibs. Bring in Percy!”

Everyone turned to see a servant leading the Prince’s horse into the court. Archie took a step back at the front and gulped.

“Why have you brought Percy in?” the Prince was puzzled.

“Because, my charming but simple son, your manservant claimed he had lost your horse before managing to get him back. He got him back minus his speaking voice.”

“It’s not my fault the stupid beast doesn’t want to talk!” protested Archie.

The horse stopped by the King, swishing his tale about excitably.

“I didn’t make him stop talking!”

“No,” Percy eyed him distastefully. “But you did your best to.”

“Yes, exactly!” Archie agreed before going red.

“Percy old chap!” the Prince stroked his nose. “You can talk again!”

“I could talk all the time!”

“Yes,” nodded the King before glaring at Archie. “Damn right he could! Percy, tell my son exactly what has been going on.”

“Certainly your Majesty,” Percy faced the court. “Archie has been covering for me you see.”

“What?” Archie cried.

“Now come, come Archie,” Percy told the bemused manservant. “Now’s not the time to play dumb.”

“No?”

“No, you’ve done plenty of that over the last two short stories. The truth is that I had a nervous breakdown. I was overcome with stress. Being a talking horse isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be you know.”

“Oh my poor Percy!” the Prince patted him.

“So I fled one night. Archie pleaded with me to stay. He said he’d never met a horse like me, that I was a most wonderful horse, he’d been having funny feelings for me and that he couldn’t carry on if I left. But left I did, so that he was reduced to lying to the King and pretending that the other horse was me.”

“Yes, that’s it!” Archie nodded quickly. “Exactly! I didn’t like lying to your Majesty…”

“But you did,” the King gave him a dark look.

“I just hope the King understands why Archie was forced to do what he did,” shrugged Percy. “And he doesn’t decide to punish Archie with hours of horrific, agonising torture followed by imprisonment or even execution.”

“Father!” the Prince saw the bloodthirsty glint in the King’s eye. “Now I know Archie should not have lied but he did it for the best! You’ll not touch a hair on his head. He’s crucial to helping me save damsels in distress.”

“But we haven’t had a good execution in ages,” the King’s face fell. “As for torturing, I’ve got new thumb screws. State of the art don’t you know!”

“No, father!” the Prince was adamant. “You won’t do anything!”

“Oh I see!” ranted the King. “Just because you’re gay, we all have to be airy fairy and hippie-ish! This Kingdom was not built on peace, love and equality you know! Nobody ever got anywhere by being nice. They got there by torturing and executing people!”

“I think it’s time to leave,” the Prince told Archie, Percy and the Dwarf.

“Maybe you could be tortured instead?” the King regarded the Dwarf. “Disfigurement wouldn’t make much of a difference to you, now would it? If I was you, I’d embrace being executed. It would save on all the terrible shame and embarrassment, would it not?”

Our intrepid adventurers rode from the castle to seek injustice where ever it reared it’s ugly head.

“It was brave of you to cover for Percy,” the Prince said to Archie as they galloped through the forest.

“You did what?” the Prince pushed his manservant up against a tree and proceeded to beat his head against the bark a minute later.

“I…well…it was a mistake…” replied a dazed Archie.

“Damn right it was!” the Prince yelled before the Dwarf tried to separate them.

“There must’ve been some terrible misunderstanding,” coughed Archie. “We had no money you see. I was desperate! The tradesman must have misunderstood the terms and conditions of the deal.”

“Oh no,” Percy chewed on the long grass. “He told me you actually paid him to take me to the knackers yard.”

“That’s a complete lie!” stammered Archie as they all gave him accusatory glances. “That damn troll is clearly trying to stitch me up! If I ever run into him then I’ll teach him a lesson!”

“I overheard some of your conversation with the troll,” started the Dwarf.

“Aha, yes!” shouted Archie. “Now we’ll hear the truth!”

“And Archie did take the money for Percy to end up in the knackers yard.”

“You ugly bastard!”

Prince Charming edged away to pat Percy.

“I am very disappointed with you Archie,” he looked away. “For you to do something so awful to Percy is beyond me.”

“I’d like to know how he got away,” Archie gave Percy a dirty look.

“Yes,” the Prince added. “I wondered how.”

“Especially as I was assured he would be securely locked up before they took the axe to him.”

“My story is one of amazing feats and dazzling deeds,” Percy reached for the Prince’s hip flask, took a swig of whisky and lit a pipe while leaning against a tree.

“Oh, it would have to be, wouldn’t it?” groaned Archie covering his face.

“Having found myself in the back of a carriage bound for the knackers yard, where I was to be turned into dog food and glue, I was in a terrible situation. Alone, betrayed, hungry and cold…”

An hour later Percy brought his story to a welcome end.

“Percy, you are a true hero!” the Prince slapped his side.

“So then?” Archie demanded. “You’re saying you single handedly overcame twenty machine gun wielding trolls…whatever machine guns are, to then overthrow the mighty Ogre in charge of the knackers yard, free all the horses waiting for the chop and then lead a Kingdom wide revolt against knackers yards everywhere?”

“It wasn’t just me,” Percy casually lit another pipe. “Some other ponies lent a hoof.”

“But where are we going to get glue from now?”

“That’s really not my concern.”

“Dogs everywhere will be going hungry! You’re a bloody liar! Isn’t he?” he nudged the Dwarf who awoke with a start and immediately pulled his sword from its sheath.

“I think our respective records speak for themselves on the truth front,” shrugged Percy.

“Yes,” the Prince pointed at his manservant. “Archie, you’re a fine one to start accusing others of dishonesty!”

“I think we should all just put the past behind us,” Archie told them. “It would be a shame if our dynamic unit of damsel defenders were to be divided by petty squabbles and recriminations.”

So they shook hands and hooves before having a lovely old sing song around the camp fire.

The following day they rode about the Kingdom in case they might discover any tyranny from a wicked step mother or suchlike. Along the way they encountered several horse drawn carriages that were hurriedly fleeing a nearby village.

“What’s the rush my dear fellows?” the Prince asked of them as they briefly paused.

“A dragon!” whimpered one. “A dragon is attacking our village!”

“Is it really?” the Prince gulped.

“Who are you?” the man asked.

“No one,” the Prince shook his head.

“No one?” the Dwarf spoke up. “Ah Prince, don’t be so humble!”

“You’re a Prince?” the man’s eyes lit up.

“No!” the Prince glared at the Dwarf.

“Not Prince Charming?”

“No, I’m not Prince Charming!”

“Sire,” the Dwarf began. “Now is not the time to be bashful!”

“You are Prince Charming!” the man punched the air in delight. “So you can slay the dragon!”

“Come on sire,” Archie spoke out of the yokel’s earshot. “I’m sure we can deal with a dragon. There are three of us and the Dwarf’s ugliness is bound to distract the beast while we strike.”

“Oh okay,” the Prince reluctantly relented. “I’ll slay the beggar!”

“Great!” cried the man. “Better watch out for his fire breathing though!”

With that he cracked the whip so his horse began galloping away.

“Fire breathing?” spluttered Archie and the Prince in unison.

“Oh yes,” he shouted as he disappeared over the horizon. “He burned half the village down with one breath!”

“Thatched roofing,” Percy sighed. “Always a fire hazard.”

The Prince turned to them all with a doubtful expression.

“I think I’ll give this one a miss,” he shrugged.

“But my lord,” reasoned the Dwarf. “That dragon could destroy the village.”

“Well, what’s one village? I’ve always thought there’s too many of them in the realm as it is! You can’t move for villages. Anyway, villagers are weird. They don’t take to strangers and are all related to one another. It’s probably for the best.”

“My lord,” Percy neighed. “We really must go and help them.”

“The Prince’s decision is final!” barked Archie.

“It’s our duty,” Percy added.

“Useless flipping knackers yard,” Archie muttered under his breath.

Our intrepid adventurers headed towards the village to do battle with the fire breathing Dragon. As they got closer they saw several cottages going up in smoke whilst the locals all fled screaming. The Dragon, a red scaly beast about twenty foot in height, prowled about the place exhaling flames from his mouth and smoke from his nostrils.

“We’ve got a live one,” observed Archie.

“He’s burning everything!” the Prince trembled. “How am I supposed to cope with that?”

“You’ll be fine,” Percy encouraged him. “We should send in someone first though. Just to test the water. A person not as good a swordsman as you. Someone who is expendable.”

They all turned to Archie.

“Hang on!” he exclaimed. “What about the Dwarf? Third degree burns wouldn’t matter to him. In fact, they might be an improvement!”

“Go on Archie,” the Prince advised him. “You get in there. Have a quick parry with him and then come back to give us an idea of how lethal a beast he is.”

“But sire,” Archie went pale. “I’ll die.”

“No!” the Prince gave a hollow laugh and patted him on the back. “Of course you won’t!”

Archie rode forwards on the mule with his sword in his hand. The Dragon was pounding the ground only a few yards away. On spotting him, it fluttered it’s mighty wings and strode to meet him. Swinging his sword above his head, he cantered toward the Dragon.

They met so that the Dragon immediately breathed a ball of flames which Archie narrowly avoided by sliding off the mule and falling to ground. Rolling over, he quickly arose and charged at the beast with his eyes closed.

The others all watched with interest.

“It’s not going very well, is it?” frowned the Prince.

“No,” agreed Percy. “He was meant to test him out. Not get singed and then put between the Dragon’s teeth and be shaken about like that.”

“He’s really overdone it,” said the Dwarf. “We never told him to get his head repeatedly beaten against a tree.”

“Typical Archie,” the Prince rolled his eyes. “He always has to complicate matters. Why’s he getting his legs chewed like that?”

“Sire,” Percy spoke up. “I think we should lend a hand.”

They headed towards the Dragon who was about to swallow a shrieking Archie. The Prince removed his sword from it’s sheath and began slashing it about in the region of the Dragon’s throat.

“Let him go!” he yelled.

The Dragon obliged, spitting Archie through the air so that he hit an oak tree and slid to the ground with a thump.

“What do you want?” the Dragon asked grumpily.

“We want you to stop terrorizing these villagers,” the Prince pointed his sword at the beast threateningly.

“I’ll do what the hell I want,” spat the Dragon contemptuously. “Who are you to come up to me, telling me what to do?”

“Now come on,” the Prince told him. “There’s no need to get aggressive. We’re all friends here.”

“Get stuffed!”

“Be nice!” Prince Charming continued pointing his weapon at the beast.

“You don’t understand,” grumbled the Dragon. “Nobody likes me! I’m a social outcast.”

“Why ever would that be?” the Prince wondered.

“Everyone assumes I’m just going to set them on fire or gobble them up. As soon as I swoop down to a village or a town they all start screaming and come running out of their homes pointing pitch forks at me.”

“But you do set them on fire and gobble them up?” pointed out the Prince with a puzzled frown.

“They drove me to it!” and the Dragon wept despairingly.

Archie rose gingerly, saw his tormentor was vulnerable and immediately picked up his sword.

“There, there,” the Prince patted the Dragon. “Many of us have to live with being alienated by society. Look at my steed Percy. He’s a talking horse.”

“Yes,” Percy nibbled on some grass. “People think I’m some performing circus act.”

“And the Dwarf is incurably ugly.”

“I can’t deny that,” nodded the Dwarf.

“Yes,” the Dragon agreed. “I didn’t want to say anything but he really does have…eh…unique features.”

“And I’m a homosexual,” shrugged the Prince. “Which in this Kingdom isn’t accepted. So we all have our crosses to bear as far as being accepted by society is concerned.”

“You’re a what?” gulped the Dragon.

“I’m a homosexual,” the Prince cheerfully repeated.

At that precise moment Archie charged towards the Dragon with a roar and his sword held aloft. The Dragon simply breathed fire over him so he went away screaming until having to extinguish the flames from his hair in a horse trough.

“You’re a homosexual?” sneered the Dragon.

“Oh yes.”

“I hate queers!” the Dragon arose and took a deep breath.

“Oh dear,” Percy remarked quietly. “A homophobic dragon. I think we should make a tactical withdrawal.”

“A what?” the Prince held his shield in front of his face.

“Run as fast as our legs will carry us.”

“Righty ho!” the Prince dashed away from a ball of flames and mounted Percy.

“Bloody mincer!” the Dragon leapt at them.

Percy galloped away as did the Dwarf who was joined by Archie on his mule.

“I knew this gay stuff would get us in trouble sooner or later!” whinged Archie as they made their escape from the village. “It’s all Percy’s fault!”

The Dragon flapped his mighty wings and ascended into the air to pursue them from above.

“Archie!” the Prince exclaimed. “Now is not the time to be moaning about homosexuality.”

“It bloody is! If you had been straight and normal and healthy like everyone else then we’d be fine, but oh no! Now you’ve gone and pissed off a Dragon of all creatures!”

“He does appear to be very angry,” observed Percy between breaths as he tried taking his master away from the plumes of orange being aimed at them.

“What are we going to do!” Archie moaned as the mule struggled to keep up with the others.

“Do you know what?” began Percy. “I wouldn’t be at all surprised if that Dragon is gay.”

“What?” cried Archie. “Well why not try telling him that?”

“What makes you say that then Percy?” the Prince asked his steed.

“It would explain his homophobia. He’s probably in the closet!”

“Oh right,” the Prince stopped Percy to ponder the point. “So you’re saying he’s gay but is desperately trying to suppress his latent homosexuality and therefore taking out his anger on gay men as a form of aggressive denial.”

“Very much so.”

“I can hear you know!” the Dragon hovered above them.

“Are we right then?” the Prince raised an eyebrow at him.

“Maybe,” the Dragon landed next to them, blushing profusely.

“Oh no,” Archie held his head in his hand. “Not another one!”

“No one understands me,” the Dragon said with his head down. “All the other dragons laugh at me. I’m the only gay dragon in the Kingdom you know!”

“I’m sure there are more of you!” said the Prince chirpily.

“No, there aren’t,” the Dragon exhaled a little cloud of smoke. “There are only a few dragons in the realm.”

“I know a place where there are other dragons like you,” the Prince patted him on the wing.

“Where?” his eyes lit up.

“Elf land,” the Prince nodded. “It’s just North of here. I could take you there.”

“No, no, no, no!” shouted Archie. “There will be no going back to that place!”

“But he might become one with himself!” replied the Prince.

“I am not going back there again!”

“Temptation too much eh Archie?” grinned Percy.

“Exactly!” Archie dismounted his mule to march up and down. “I am worried that if we go back in there we might all be overcome with rampant lust and try….hang on!”

“You want to suck cock don’t you?” Percy sniggered at Archie.

“How dare you?” he stamped up and down in anger.

“Is there really somewhere I could be free?” the Dragon asked of the Prince.

“Yes, by all means,” he said. “We shall be your guides.”

“Oh no you don’t my lord!” protested Archie. “Enough is enough! Talking horses? Gay Prince Charmings? Gay dragons? This is getting ridiculous.”

“But you forgot…” piped up the Dwarf.

“And hideously ugly Dwarfs!” he added.

“What do you mean Archie?” inquired Percy.

“I’ve had enough!” Archie began riding his mule away sulkily. “I’m going back to your father’s kingdom sire! At least they’re all normal back there! The King doesn’t have any truck with all this gay nonsense! He’s a man’s man!”

“So I hear,” muttered the Dwarf.

Everyone stared at him, not an easy thing to do. Archie halted the mule and turned to regard him.

“What did you just say?” he frowned at the Dwarf.

“Oh nothing…” the Dwarf avoided their gazes which was quite a relief for some of them.

“No!” Archie rode back to him. “What are you insinuating ‘o’ pug faced one?”

“Me?” he shrugged innocently. “Nothing…nothing…”

“Do you know something we don’t about my father?” the Prince asked suspiciously.

“I really cannot say my lord,” the Dwarf shook his head.

“I command you to,” the Prince was insistent.

“Oh okay,” the Dwarf was sheepish. “A little while ago I chanced upon a mighty sorcerer up in the mountains.”

“That’s why you look like you do!” Archie cried.

“Eh?”

“He put a spell on you did he?”

“No,” the Dwarf was puzzled. “Anyway, he told me of many wondrous secrets. One of these was that your father…” he pointed at the Prince. “The King, used to like same sex relationships.”

“What?” the Prince said.

“Now come on!” raged Archie. “This is treason! Are you trying to tell me that the King is or was gay? I’ve never heard something so ludicrous!”

“We must hasten to the mountains to speak with this sorcerer!” the Prince pointed ahead and rode Percy away.

“But what about going to the place where I’d be happy?” grumbled the Dragon.

“Don’t worry!” the Prince replied as the party made for the hills. “We’ll do that once I get to the bottom of this!”

“This is all going to end in tears,” remarked Archie miserably. “Am I the only normal person left?”