The Evil Queen’s attempt to wage war on the Realm had not exactly been a success. Her army had fallen at the first hurdle or, rather, fallen into the moat belonging to Baron Hardup. To compound her problems, it had emerged that King Thrushbeard was thus named such due to picking up a regrettable malady in Snow White’s brothel so her designs on him had taken a tumble. Across the Realm the Prince, Percy, Beauty and the irritating Leprechaun had encountered the Griffin.
“I think,” began the Prince. “That if the Evil Queen’s army is really this lame, we should go and intercept them now and put a stop to this farce.”
“I would agree sire,” said Percy. “Although we will have to face the music concerning the Tin Soldier Man.”
“It’s a risk worth taking I’d say.”
“To be sure, to be sure…”
“Listen,” the Prince turned to the Leprechaun. “I have been thinking and, now we have established I am not a you-know-what, perhaps it would be for the best for us to go our separate ways?”
“But I am enjoying myself!” insisted the Leprechaun.
“Yes, I understand but I don’t think it could work out, not in the long term. You are very different from the rest of us…”
“Are you being a racist again?” asked the Leprechaun.
“No and will you stop saying that…for the hundredth time!”
“I am not going anywhere until I am completely reassured that Prince Charming, the hero of the Realm, is not a massive racist.”
“I would just like to point something out,” said Percy. “Can you have a ‘massive racist’? Surely either you are racist or not? I have often wondered why people remark he or she is ‘a bit of a racist’?”
“That’s an interesting point Percy, you clever horse,” said Beauty.
“It’s similar,” added Percy. “To when someone says ‘I’m not a racist but…’ and then goes onto say something critical of a person while focusing mainly on the colour of their skin.”
“I have to put up with that sort of prejudice all the time,” announced the Griffin.
“You are mixed species, not mixed heritage!” said Percy scornfully.
“Oh come on!” the Prince ran out of patience. “Let’s go and pay the Evil Queen a visit!”
Across the Realm, the Evil Queen was consulting King Thrushbeard about their future prospects regarding warfare.
“So what next then…Thrushbeard…can I call you something else?” she sighed.
“Why?”
“Because every time your name comes up, I remember that you have thrush of the chin!”
“Well I am sorry your Majesty, but it’s been my name for years…”
“Why? You can’t have wanted it to be?”
“No, that is true. It became a nickname.”
“I mean,” she was indignant. “How did you get thrush on your chin? Why couldn’t you get it where everyone else gets it?”
“Well, I am sure you can work out how exactly I got it?”
“No, how the blazes…oh…doing…” the Evil Queen seemed pleased for a moment. “You like doing that do you?”
“Your Majesty, can we talk about your army please?”
“Yes.”
“We badly need reinforcements. Either from the Warlock conjuring them up or you paying to recruit soldiers.”
“Paying? I don’t have the wealth any longer!”
“So we’re reliant on the Warlock?” King Thrushbeard groaned.
“It would seem so,” frowned the Evil Queen. Well, perhaps it was a frown? Under all the Botox and make up, it was difficult to know for sure.
“Yoo hoo!” the Warlock said from across the clearing of the forest they were in. “I’ve conjured up some more creatures!”
“When you say ‘conjured up’, you mean abducted them from across the Realm!” the Evil Queen told him.
Nonetheless, she went to join the Warlock, followed by King Thrushbeard.
The Warlock looked rather proud of himself and standing behind him were several figures. First there a sinister looking man in a black cloak. Then came a young woman in a robe and finally a person who the Evil Queen immediately recognized.
“You?”
“What am I doing here?” the man asked in surprise.
“Apparently, hanging out with the Grim Reaper, an able bodied Tin Soldier Man and errr…who is the woman?”
“Did you give me back my leg?” the Tin Soldier asked of them all.
“I did,” nodded the Warlock proudly.
“Oh really?” the Evil Queen gave him a dirty look.
“Yes, yes…” he blushed.
“He is one of my enemies!” she raged. “And you helped him?”
“Can you tell me about the Paper ballerina?” asked the Tin Soldier Man.
The woman to his left nodded keenly.
“This is her!” the Warlock gestured to her.
“But she’s human!”
“What can I say?” he shrugged. “Sometimes I impress even myself.”
“But she was made of cardboard before being burned alive?”
“Then your courtship can be rekindled!”
The woman looked distinctly unimpressed while the Tin Soldier suddenly had a swing in his step.
“Does this all mean the Warlock isn’t a complete failure?” the Evil Queen looked her brother up and down in surprise.
“Yep!” he declared gleefully.
Within the next hour, the Evil Queen was avidly summoning her mirror back in her palace.
“Long time no see,” remarked the sprite in the mirror.
“Yes, well things have been going well.”
“And now?”
“Don’t play the innocent with me you fool!” yelled the Evil Queen. “You can damn well see exactly what’s been going on!”
“I guess you mean the further growth of your enemies?”
“I really don’t understand why so many people are willing to come out and oppose me?”
“Could it be the subjugation and oppression you inflict on them?”
“Enough!” she snapped. “I need you to tell me where Prince Charming currently is!”
“I see right,” the sprite in the mirror suddenly starting frowning with eyes closed in concentration.
“And?”
“I’ll need a few moments,” the Sprite in the mirror vanished from view.
“Oh,” The Evil Queen. “The last thing I need is for him to become a prima donna!”
“I can see him!” came the voice of the Sprite in the mirror so that the Evil Queen peered back at him with interest.
“And?”
“He’s nearby relatively speaking,” explained the Sprite.
“Where?”
“In the forests south of here.”
“That’s promising,” nodded the Evil Queen.
“I say if you ride out to him, he can be intercepted within an hour, defeated because your troops will outnumber his motley crew. The Prince can be thrown in chains and swiftly brought here.”
“Stripped to the waist and wearing chains,” the Evil Queen was rather flushed and produced a fan with which to cool her face down.
“Chained to a wall in my dungeon!”
“Typical…” sighed the Mirror. “We are on the brink of ending this conflict and you’re fixating on your sex life.”
“How do I look?” she peered into the mirror.
“Your trout pout looks more ridiculous by the day.” The Mirror replied.
“I paid a fortune for this!” she pouted all the more.
“You got ripped off!”
“I’ll be pleased once the war is over,” she gave the Mirror a hateful look. “And so then I can dispense of your services.”
“You’ll find me irreplaceable,” the Sprite in the Mirror insisted. “And what do you plan on doing with me?”
“I hadn’t really thought much about that,” she shrugged.
“I was expecting to be handed over to the victors.”
“Oh no,” the Evil Queen vehemently shook her head. “I won’t help them become even more powerful!”
“So what then?”
“Charity shop? Or a jumble sale?”
“Oh that’ll be a huge jump up the career ladder!” the sprite in the mirror turned their back on her.
The Warlock arrived back in the room.
“Everything okay?” he seemed very chirpy.
“Yes,” the Evil Queen gave him a look of disdain.
“What’s wrong with you?” he sighed before looking at her and doing a double take. “Gosh, what have you done to your lips?”
“I dread to think,” remarked the Mirror.
“They look errr…lovely.”
“Anyway, what do you want?”
“I was wondering how the war was going?”
“I think there’s currently a cease fire.”
“I take it you’re not exactly delighted by that?”
“No, I’m bloody not, no.”
“But why?”
“I wanted this war to completely destroy all my enemies with plenty of prisoners!”
“Did you tell your Generals this?” asked the Warlock.
“I believe I did yes,” she replied.
“So why have things been going around in circles for months?” wondered the Warlock. “You outgun them ten to one! If your army just went for the jugular, the conflict would be over in days.”
“My dear brother,” the Evil Queen gushed. “Just occasionally it strikes me that there is more to you than meets the eye.”
The Warlock immediately checked the button down flies on his gown.
“Phew!” he gasped.
“I think you are in line for a promotion,” she told her brother.
“Me?!” he was gobsmacked.
“Yes,” she nodded enthusiastically.
“To what?”
“Lord Protector!”
“Oh wow!” he bowed in respect. “What will my duties be your Highness?”
“You will command my armies and protect my castle!”
“That’s quite a responsibility!” the Warlock replied.
“And you will be richly rewarded!” the Evil Queen was feeling unusually generous.
“Really?”
“Uh huh!”
The Warlock immediately left the room to begin compiling what he would do with his new wealth.
I could buy myself a wife!” he clapped his hands together.
“Where has the Warlock gone?” the Evil Queen demanded of her mirror.
“He’s removed his clothes and is fantasising about a future wife…”
“That’s all I need to know!”
“Now he’s reaching for some lubricant…”
“That’s all I need to know!”
“Oh don’t spoil it,” the Mirror protested.
“You are my Mirror and obliged to see across the Realm!” snapped the Evil Queen. “Not give me a blow by blow account of what my brother gets up to in his private quarters!”
“There’s been no blowing,” remarked the sprite in the Mirror.
“Shut up!”
“This isn’t the last you’ve heard about this!” the Sprite promptly vanished and the mirror was empty. “You know,” the Sprite in the mirror crossed his arms. “I don’t have to take this!”
“Stop whining
“Good!” sighed the Evil Queen. “I will have to rely on my brother to see what is happening in the Realm. He won’t moan as much!”
Within the hour, the Warlock found himself summoned back to the throne room belonging to his sister.
“Yes your Majesty?” he bowed with a flourish before her.
“I expect you already know,” she arose from her throne to pace the room. “Yet my Mirror has seemingly gone on strike.”
“Really?”
“Where to?”
“’Strike’ isn’t a place!” she rolled her eyes in frustration. “It means he is refusing to work.”
“Really?”
“Yes the disloyal little bastard!”
“And?” the Warlock yawned.
“Alongside your new role as Lord Protector,” she casually explained. “I want you to do what the Mirror used to do.”
“But, but,” the Warlock sighed. “He could see the whole realm! And he was contractually bound to tell you that you were the fairest of them all in the Realm!”
“Oh, but I am!”
“Well…” he sounded unconvinced.
“He told me I was!” she snarled.
“No!” the Warlock was clearly rattled. “I cannot do what the Mirror could do!”
“Why not?” she glared at him.
“Because it would be dishonest! And, seeing as I am your brother, a bit creepy.”
“Fine!” the Evil Queen swept from the throne room and stomped to her private quarters.
“Great,” the Warlock rolled his eyes. “I am not going to hear the end of this.”
To be continued…
Athon 